'AITA for telling my DIL 'OMG, not everything is about you' when she got emotional over a cat?'
"AITA for telling my daughter-in-law “OMG, not everything is about you” when she got emotional over a cat?"
I have had ongoing issues with my daughter-in-law (33F). She tends to make a lot of situations about her, even when it doesn’t seem appropriate. Really she is very sensitive and it happens almost every even.
My son (35M) and she have been married for five years, and while I’ve tried to get along with her, this habit is becoming harder to deal with. Recently, during a family gathering, we were talking about our old family cat.
This cat has been deceased for 12 years. She has never met this cat and I don't even think she has seen a picture of her. The conversation was lighthearted, with us sharing fond memories of the cat, mostly about how dumb she was ( she was an orange cat and had a single brain cell). Out of nowhere, my DIL started crying and talking about how she how sad it was that the cat is d--d.
She got really emotional, and the whole conversation shifted to comforting her. People were either trying to get her to calm down and standing around confused/uncomfortable. This has happens before and I multiple people have brought it up. Usally she ends up crying and my son is very overprotective of her at this point. I think she has cried at almost every event.
In the moment, I was frustrated and said, “OMG, not everything is about you, you didn't even know the cat”. My son immediately got defensive and told me I was being insensitive and she started crying harder, and now both of them are upset with me. My son think I was a jerk and need to apologize. AITA for saying that when she got emotional over a cat?
The internet had a lot to say.
Reasonable-Ad-3605 wrote:
NTA. Part of being an adult is learning how to control your emotions. Yes cats passing is sad, but her response is not appropriate.
OP responded:
It’s frustrating, she will cry at a drop of the hat. It remind me of a young child. Not to mention if you are talking to her and she starts to cry everything is confused and asking what you did.
She once cried when I asked her for her apple dumpling recipe.
t3hd0n wrote:
Info: so shes cried at every event and your response has been "she needs to stop" instead of "hey (son), im concerned, is your wife ok? Is she this emotional at home? is she in therapy?"
OP responded:
At the beginning I was worried and asked those questions (you okay ect) over time I just started to walk away or ignoring it.
First time I have ever been harsh about this.
punkrockpm wrote:
Q: Does she have a diagnosed mood disorder?
This is beyond "sensitive" and she should consider seeing a doctor.
mrmses wrote:
UPDATE: a few comments below have suggested the possibility that the girl might have a mood disorder, or just be overly empathetic, and it’s not based on attention or jealousy. So OP, before you go all scorched earth on this girl, please present a few more facets of her personality.
Does she love your son with grace and honesty and kindness? Does she treat others around her with respect and happiness? If so, maybe you’ve got an empathetic daughter in law!
NTA. But you need to see her behavior for what it is. It's called emotional manipulation, and she has your son wrapped up tight. She likes his attention - probably everyone's attention - and she's learned that when she is upset, she can get all of the attention shifted to her.
I'd start practicing some version of ignoring, exiting the situation. Like, she bursts out crying about the cat, and everyone stops talking and looks at her. If it was just the three of you (DIL, son, you), I'd just get up and exit the room.
If it was a full family group, I'd probably say something like, "oh dear. you seem extremely upset about this. We're going to head into the kitchen for a moment and give you a little bit of space."
If you talk directly to your son about his wife's behavior, chances are he's going to push back and get angry and say that you're the one manipulating. It's because he enjoys feeling like the protector of her, and she enjoys having his attention in this way. I shudder to imagine them with children. Babies are cute and take a ton of attention away from grown ups. Your DIL is not going to like that.
Someoneyoudontknow70 wrote:
NTA. Crying over someone else's cat who has been dead for 12 years already is not normal. This girl sounds really manipulative, and I'm afraid that you played right into it her attention-seeking scheme by calling her out like that.
Have you tried suggesting that your son take her into a separate room to calm down? That way you don't seem unsympathetic, and she can get the attention that she craves from your son without ruining the whole event for the rest of the family.
incrediblewombat wrote:
I’m sympathetic because I would probably cry hearing about a beloved pet’s passing because it would make me think of that happening to my cats. Also I’m pregnant so I cry about literally everything.
Reading all these comments about DIL being “manipulative” is hard because some people are more sensitive and it’s not trying to get attention it’s just having feels that can be hard to regulate
n33dwat3r wrote:
YTA. This was a really rude and confrontational way to try and handle her having meltdowns at every function. Criticize people privately, not in front of every one.