'AITA for telling off my ex and saying: 'don't contact me?' She wants closure.' UPDATED 5X

Some relationships are simply doomed, and the healthiest thing you can do is accept it.

In a popular post on the AITAH subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling off his ex after she pestered him for "closure." He wrote:

"AITAH for telling my ex to f*** off and not contact me again after we broke up?"

Me [24m] and my ex [26] were both from the same friend group. To keep it simple, after awhile we dated for some months. During the relationship she would always want to do some really dangerous stuff (hike, bang jump, car races) and honestly I am not the person for that and would have days absolutely terrified for her life.

So after one of her friends got a serious injury, I put my foot down and told her I couldn't live like that anymore. We got heated, and she told me "I'm a boring sad person who will die alone" so I said "I hope your hobbies have the consequences I expect them to have" and after that we both parted ways mad and never spoke again.

We still are from the same friend group and we both while not speaking specifics just said "we couldn't compromise on something" and since then, for the last four months I haven't hung with them much as they're more her friends than mine.

The current issue came up when one of my friends from this group asked me if I wouldn't mind he giving her my new number, as she wanted to "get closure" and I accepted because I didn't cared enough. So, she did call, and it started decently, just small talk, and she asked why I'm so reclusive now, nothing that mattered much, but soon enough, she started talking about her life.

She spent a whole 25 minutes speaking about her new boyfriend, how she's able to do what she wants and how fun and amazing it is to have support on the things she liked, how much she missed out when we were together and that maybe I should change my views a little and my life would improve like hers did.

I told her "ok" and she replied confused, quickly enough I said I couldn't care less for her new life and honestly to f#$k off and never contact me again if she just wanted to brag. To be fair, she wasn't really condescending with her tone but hearing from your ex how their life is so much better without you, gets into you.

After that I blocked her, and as quick as I blocked her all of my friends started texting me about how rude I was and that she was just making small talk and I shouldn't have been so angry that she's happy. So idk, I didn't think I was being an AH, but I guess they do. AITAH for what I did?

Soon after posting, OP shared two small updates/clarifications in the post.

[Edit] Well the situation just got a little worse as all of these people I call "friends" are pressuring me into talking to her more, which I don't want to do so now they are pressuring me into going out tomorrow. I'm not stupid, so I know it's gonna end up with only the two of us speaking.

I really didn't want to go but one of those guys is kinda that my boss girlfriend so I don't want to get on her bad side....I will update soon enough.

[Edit 2] Okay, so I did as I said and hang out with them, and holy s#$t I'm going to make an update tomorrow because it got even f#$king worse, I would like to update today but I'm currently typing this while my phone is being bombarded, sorry to make this a cliffhanger but I will take a break from all before updating.

Like clockwork, the internet shared their thoughts and assessments.

Thebohomama wrote:

NTA. Why did she bother calling in the first place? If she was concerned about your hermitude, she wouldn't feel the need to say her life is so much better now without you, and if you would, again, try to change to be more like her (even though that wasn't even in the cards when you WERE together), you'd be happier- and you already know playing her games does not make you happy. That's on her.

Centaur_taur wrote:

Hope you told your shared friends that she's a narcissist - she didn't want closure, she wanted to brag.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 wrote:

NTA.

Closure or not spending anytime, preaching to people about how they should live their life will get you the dial tone.

Ready_Competition_66 wrote:

It honestly sounded like she was actually trying to sound you out about getting back together. The confusion after you said "okay" would fit with that. The condescension she's shown you when you broke up (and probably before that as well) would tend to fit your view that she was mostly calling to brag. She apparently really does feel superior because she's doing those risky things.

That's not uncommon. Lots of really active people tend to look down on those not like them. You might have taken the time to verify her motives in calling first but I don't blame you for being irritated and upset still. At the very least she was being incredibly insensitive and full of herself. (Again, par for the course with her.)

Three days later, OP shared another update.

Hello again friends, as I said before, I did went to hang out with them (more worried for my job than anything) and it went as I expected. I got there, oh wow what a surprise everyone was late except my ex, never saw that coming, and by what was clearly a coincidence the host had to buy something, leaving us both in the house, how unexpected right!!

Seriously, can't believe I actually got set up, I knew I would but the fact it really happened, insane. As for what was said, we sat down very awkwardly, then she actually said she was sorry (surprisingly) she said she acknowledged how she sounded like a #$tch, but that she was sad I cut her out before she could say anything.

After that, we started to have a conversation about our relationship and whatnot. But I s#$t you not, the second I asked, "what about your boyfriend" she got dead silent and looked lost for some seconds before saying some random info about him and randomly started telling me she actually missed me a lot and we complimented each other.

Her current boyfriend is too much like her and she feels in danger sometimes for not having someone who tries to be careful. It went like that until she noticed I wasn't really caring much for what she said and typed to someone, then out of LITERALLY NOWHERE all my friends ambushed me to tell me I should stop running (???).

They said I continued to isolate myself and drive them away because I couldn't get over the break up was wrong and they are worried for me. I honestly got really overwhelmed with it and said I needed a break, then they tried to stop me saying this was an intervention and I can't run from it.

I started to feel really bad and I thought I might have a panic attack, they noticed I was having problems breathing and let me in a room away. then they sent my ex to comfort me, and as much as I fucking hate to say it, it somehow worked, I hate that having her cuddle with me worked and I was able to go control myself again.

After that I said I needed to go home and would speak with them later, she literally asked "can we try to get back together?" and all I did was say, "give me time to think" then I walked back home and my phone started receiving messages from everyone telling me I should give her a chance and that we clearly still had feelings.

I honestly feel awful, I stated to actually doubt myself in it all, I'm still suffering with my anxiety almost making me explode, but I wanted to update before anything. I'm starting to think maybe I could give her another chance, but I quickly doubt that idea, than I doubt the doubt, I feel like a mess and I honestly just want some help, maybe I could repost this in the relationship advice subreddit but idk.

The internet kept it real in the comments.

BeautifulPhantom1 wrote:

NTA, that is some really weird, messed up crap. Interventions are intended to save someone's life. So an intervention should have been with your ex to save her from all the dangerous stuff she is doing. Instead, they schedule one with you to try and get you back together with the ex. You need to take a serious look at these people's priorities and decide if you really need them in your life.

HumanityIsBizarre wrote:

She and they are all manipulating you, forcing you into uncomfortable situations to weaken your resolve then having your ex comfort you to build an emotional contact. Does her boyfriend even exist as it seems in your first post she went out of her way to describe the polar opposite of you that’s amazing, now suddenly he’s awful and she has to take time to give you random info.

I think if you took a step back and looked at this all objectively you’d realize that this has been a scheme set up by all of them to try and get you back, and in no way has your opinion or feelings been considered.

I think it’s time you really cut contact with them all, tell them the bulls**t stunt they pulled was disgusting and the kind of thing you’d pull as a last ditch attempt on somebody that’s suicidal/alcoholic/drug dependent. Not wanting to be in contact with an ex and wanting to do what you want isn’t a reason to try and imprison you against your will.

I’d also let your so called friends know the only reason you even turned up was because you were scared it would affect your employment otherwise you’d never have come as you knew they were going to pull this s**t and they knew you’d hate it, that you have now lost any trust in them and seriously are reconsidering if you want them in your life from now on.

They should sit down and think how they’d feel if everyone ganged up on them and involved themselves in their relationship when it wasn’t wanted. Honestly whether you have feelings or not (I suspect you do but everyone does regarding an ex unless it ended VERY badly) you also realize that you are incompatible, the only way you can realistically be together is for one of you to give up on what you believe/enjoy.

The instant you do that resentment will build until you end up HATING each other. It’s better to have ended things when you did, maybe one day you could be friends but you aren’t ready and the timescale for when you are is dependent on you and not anyone else, if they can’t accept this then they aren’t truly your friends.

Bunyanthem wrote:

NTA but run the f#4k away from everyone there. Seriously, f#$k. Quit your job and find another.

That's f#$ked up that your ex enlisted an entire gang to basically try to peer pressure you into getting back with her.

Not because she likes you but because she needs someone to take the stress of her high risk lifestyle instead of her. Yes her cuddling helped you calm down. That's the normal human response. Skin contact releases hormones that can comfort us. That the group purposefully riled you up only to send her after you is manipulative in the extreme. Run. From all of them.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Well, been a while, I am alive at the very least so hello there. I literally just got my phone back and saw all the notifications of the last posts, I might read and comment on some of the last update later. So, needless to say, I had a mental breakdown and a very bad one at that.

I don't remember much of the last week and days. I just woke up in a hospital and later was send to psychological evaluation before finally being able to leave...not alone tho. From what I heard, my "friends" got worried that I wasn't answering any of them and sent my ex to check on me, she apparently found me on the floor with some meds on the ground and called an ambulance.

I don't recall any of that but there are the medical records so it seems to be real. After that, I was completely out, maybe comatosed idk, for about 3 days and when I woke up surprisingly enough she was sitting in the couch on the side of my medical bed, she started crying and apologizing for what she and they all did.

It seems you guys were correct from what I read, it was all a grand plan to get us back together and make me less depressed. She explained how she felt like trash after we broke up and even stopped doing the dangerous stuff because she was feeling so down, and also that the supposed boyfriends obviously didn't existed and was a prop to try and make me jealous.

After that didn't work with the call, she went for the full blown plan of the ambush, they did expected me to get anxious but that I would later call her back and give my final decision. Well I guess they didn't expected me to have a mental breakdown and try what I did and their whole plan failed.

By what I heard they actually thought they ki*ed me indirectly and were all stressed and messed up for the 3 days I was gone, all of them getting medical leaves to spend time with my lifeless self. After I woke up, they all came to see me and apologized as well, saying they had the experience as eye opening and would understand if I cut all contact with them all.

After that, I went to the psychological evaluation and was confirmed to be a threat to myself (pain in the a*s) and was either gonna to have to go to a mental facility or have someone watch me 24/7. Because I have 0 contact with my family, my ex asked me if I wouldn't mind if she was the one to be that person.

I of course protested in the start but later decided it was best that than going to a mental facility again (I have been in these places often it's not fun at all).

So that's how it is currently, we are living in her house (bigger than mine).

She's been doing all of the work and chores while I do nothing and just keep my emotionless face, the girl who's dating my boss apparently is way more serious than I thought and they were engaged, so she made him give me my salary until I get better+ a up on it with the medical leave, something I do appreciate.

I know I sound like a dumb prick to start living with her, but currently we have set boundaries, she haven't even touched my arm since after the hug when I woke up, she's kinda like a maid more than anything. We of course still speak and I can hear the guilt in her voice, she definitely didn't expected things to take this turn and is ready to accept it as it is, as she stated:

"If you never gets better I'm ready to take care of you, if you do get better and wants to leave that's fine, if you are never able to love me back that's ok, it's my fault this happened" it seemed legit.

For now, it works, I don't know how I feel now as the meds have made me really numb so I don't know if I care or not for her currently. Maybe will be the last update, I will be answering any questions now tho, I got time to spare for it now.

The internet jumped on to offer support.

HumanityIsBizarre wrote:

I’d be suspicious on the report that she found you with meds on the floor, wouldn’t surprise me if she planted them there to make you seem suicidal/crazy to force you into having to rely on her as she knows you are zero contact with family. Honestly the sooner you get out of there and away from all of these people the better they are WAAAAY out of order, what they have done is psych*tic and harassment.

They decided to lie to you, invent a fake boyfriend, almost kidnap you and cause untold mental stress forcing you to have a breakdown. They are all evil and should be grateful that you haven’t tried to press any charges against them, that’s why they are all acting so nice because they are shit scared of the consequences of what they did and put you through.

Meanwhile your ex is putting on an act and being all sweet and apologetic, meek and like she understands what you feel, yet at the same time she’s got what she wants and now you are legally stuck with her for the moment whilst she tries to Stockholm syndrome your a*s. Honestly you would have been better off choosing a random on the street to look after you than the one who caused it all.

OK_Elephant_8319 wrote:

Came here to write this. This feels like a Stockholm plot. There needs to be a way to press charges for mental distress or something.

Forsaken_Dig1277 wrote:

So sorry to hear this turn. Honestly, I’m not your therapist, but I would question how helpful living with someone who has hurt and triggered you so badly is, especially as a long term solution. I’d make plans to get out and ditch this whole toxic group. They can have their “eye-opening” experience and be better friends…to someone else.

Some relationships aren’t worth the emotional lift you would have to do to forgive and move past. You are not a high schooler, and that whole “set up” ploy was childish. It was infantilizing, toxic, disrespectful, underhanded, and really just…dumb. Whoever came up with that has seen too many rom-coms/teen movies, and it has rotted their brain to how actual feeling work.

OP, you deserve people around you who add to your life and build you up. Also, while I realize this would have been a sobering experience for them, I would be leery of sudden mindset changes like this. People are creatures of habit.

They won’t live in this like you do (gotta hate tourists), so there really might come a point where this whole situation has faded for them and they start hounding you to get back with her again, especially with the added ammunition of her taking care of you at this juncture.

Speaking as someone with self-worth issues and depression, it is horribly hard to genuinely heal when you are around people who put you down or invalidate your experiences. It can be hard enough with what your own brain says about you without adding in trash from other folks.

This is the time to put yourself and your mental health first, and only cultivate relationships that serve you. It is not selfish to prioritize your wellbeing.

To me, the ideal plan of attack chronologically would be:

Get well enough to go to your own place. Maybe look for a therapist beyond whoever the hospital assigned because the fact that they sent you home with her send the situation is concerning. Cut the ex out. Fully blocked, hard boundaries with the “friends” about not bringing her up/bringing her around.

Look for a new job.

Ditch the whole messy group.

Build new friendships with people who will treat you with kindness and respect.

Think of your favorite person on earth. Think of how you want them to be treated. You deserve to be treated like that. By everyone. Including yourself.

Two months later, OP shared yet another update.

Hello you people, been a while, right? Anyway, I won't get into much details but that arrangement has ended some weeks ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder weeks after the post and it took a little while to get back on track with new meds, stress and everything else. Me and her are not living together anymore.

But, as much as I expect this will make some people sad or mad or call me spineless (I got a dm from an ai image of thug grinch calling me that, weird stuff) we are indeed back together, while the start was rocky it still was a decision made by both of us some weeks ago as I got more stable.

It is easy to guess that this whole account can be seen as a maniac episode adventure, so to say, we are doing well and by the power of connections I'm doing great in my career as I'm quite closer to my friend's boyfriend now, and physically speaking my legs are not broken and I'm not stuck in the house, very disappointed that my life isn't a Stephen King book to be completely honest.

Well, I hope that gave some kind of end to my story, I won't promise answering anything because every time I said I would I didn't do it, but who knows, I might pitch in to say something?

The internet kept their thoughts one hundred percent honest.

neanderbeast wrote:

Absolutely fantastic to see you are doing better and happy your gf is taking good care of you.

Current_Singer_5141 wrote:

You're an ïdïøt. You deserve what comes your way. She is going to destroy you, but you chose her. Remember that when you're in the psych ward again.

GoatDeep3485 wrote:

What a waste of advice, I can’t STAND ppl like this, anything else scr**ed up happens, just gonna say he deserves it after giving someone like his gf and his friends 2nd chances.

Ok-Abbreviations-1551 wrote:

OP, I’m glad you are getting better. I hope you find a support system that is not your gf and her friends. You made the right call the first time around, she should never had contacted you. How she’s got everything she wanted with little regard or respect to what YOU want for yourself.

Based on what you’ve posted this far, they are the ones who pushed you to having the mental breakdown in the first place, even though (it seemed) you were already over her. What they did was not ok. They did not respect you or your boundaries, physically or mentally. What good or nice person plays mind games and gets their friends to gang up on them?!

I know how right now, it feels like they are all that you have. That doesn’t mean you can’t move forward and you every right to have a safe space. I hope you get a good look at the reality of the situation. I hope you get a chance to really sit down with yourself and to figure out a way to be where you would like your future self to be. I hope you get there.

-my-cabbages wrote:

I'm glad you're alright, but I think you need to focus on building a life with is entirely independent of you gf and that f**ked up friend group. Go and make your own friends/support system. They all proved you can't rely on them to act in your best interest. All anyone has done is act in your girlfriend's best interest. She got everything she wanted, and you got a mental breakdown.

This was certainly...a journey, to say the least.