'AITA for telling my ex's sterile affair partner to have her own daughter?'
"AITA for telling my ex's sterile affair partner to have her own daughter?"
My ex (44M) cheated on me (40F) and ended our marriage so he could be with his affair partner/wife Jen (42F). This happened several years ago when our kids were very young. My ex gets our kids 6 days a month.
He works out of state frequently so this was the most consistent schedule where our kids would be with a parent (me or ex) instead of being left with a babysitter or his wife.
According to my ex and Jen she is sterile and can never have kids. I never asked but they offered this up in hopes I would "share" the kids with her more and encourage them to embrace Jen as their second mom. I have not done this and I have told them we are not friends and they are not to expect favors from me after going behind my back and doing what they did.
Jen was someone I knew before learning the truth. She was dating someone in my ex's friend circle and made a point to get to know me. I found out why after. She was expecting us being friends would help me not to hate her afterward.
I bring all this up because of what's currently going on. Jen was a big cheerleader in her youth and volunteers with local cheer groups. She wants my daughter (10) to get involved in cheer. My daughter told me about it the other week because Jen was trying to make her go and my ex was backing Jen on it.
She told me she didn't want to and she needed my help. All the kids are aware of the fact stuff like that has to be agreed on by both me and their dad. I reached out and told my ex our daughter will not be put into cheer against her will and that he needs to stop pressuring her to join.
He didn't respond back the way he's supposed to (through app) so I noted his reply on the app and got a lot of cussing back. Jen tried to call me but I didn't answer. She approached me a few days later while we were in the same store and she told me I can't keep punishing her by depriving her of my children.
She said she's been in their lives since they were little and she has every right to bond with them and share stuff with them like that. I told her she does not get to force my kids into stuff like that against their will. I walked away and she followed me around for a bit and told me how it was her dream to share cheer with a daughter and all the crap that I don't care about.
I told her she should have a daughter of her own if she wants to share it and leave mine alone. She stopped following me after that and I heard from ex a few times after saying I was cruel to say that to her when I know she can't have children. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Lol, you have no idea that you're raising entitled brats.
No it's not. Entitled brats never have to do anything they don't want to. My kids still need to go to school, do chores, not eat junk food all day. They just don't get forced into things that could put them in harms way due to a lack of interest. That's your opinion. I disagree and will continue to allow my kids to say no to activities they don't want to do.
Like I said, the same people cheering you on here will use that same child as an example of why they'll never have kids.
Look, I understand what this sub is about. Get that pettiness fuel, you're in the right place.
For not wanting to do an activity? I think you are grossly exaggerating about that. If I said my kids never have to do a damn thing and nobody can make them then sure, fair, say I'm raising them to be entitled. For activities they don't want to do? If your kid saying no to something like that makes you not want kids then maybe you're not suited to parenting.
And look at the people here who point out the injuries associated with cheer? You'd rather I force my daughter to do that, risking injury, to make my ex's affair partner happy? No way. Not for anyone. I love dance. I never forced my daughter to try it out.
Or either of my sons. Because I want them to enjoy activities and be free to speak their mind about something like that and especially when injuries can happen.
Huge_Mistake_3139 wrote:
NTA - I love it when people think they can force kids to do stuff, forget adding the affair into the mix. I don’t know everything about the app you mentioned, but you might want to add what happened at the grocery store. Keep documenting the harassment and pressure they are putting on you and your kids. They can figure out a different way to play “house.”
Cute-Profession9983 wrote:
When it comes to cruelty, nothing beats cheating on your spouse or befriending someone to steal their spouse. Those two soulless c**ts can pound sand. NTA. She gets NOTHING from you. Him either.
stiggley wrote:
NTA. First she steals the spouse, now she's after the kids. Remember to record all the interactions with Jen in the parenting app "do it as a 'you're wife approached and harassed me in the store over stuff we have already discussed in the app regarding activities the children do not want to do, but she does and you are pressuring the kids to accept it."
Document, document, document - and then push for Jen having reduced contact with the kids due to the ab-#ive pressure she is putting on them.
SwimmingProgram6530 wrote:
NTA. Not only was your ex a s--t husband, he’s also a s--t father for allowing his AP wife to inflict her motherly desires on your children.
OP responded:
It's been a problem in so many ways. It's all documented though so at least when the kids get to a certain age if they want to see him less I'll have documented proof of the problems.
Elguapo1966 wrote:
Jen is trying to force the daughter to do something against her will to the point she needs to go to OP for help. OP is just supporting her daughter. Jen can never be a mother, not because of anything biological, but because she can’t understand this.
OP responded:
I'm supporting all my kids the best I can in this. We've had other issues. This has to be the most forceful about anything they've had to deal with. I hope this doesn't become a trend.
anna_replika wrote:
NTA as far as I am concerned. She is trying to share your relationship with your children. It's wrong on so many levels. Her circumstances are unfortunate, but why should you have to give something up for her, particularly with the way things happened. She will take more and more if you start giving. Be aware of that. Hopefully your kids have a boundary with her she can't cross and try to take over.
OkLocksmith2064 wrote:
NTA. I bet with you for my house that she would have let your ex get her pregnant before you even knew that they were cheating on you behind your back. I swear to you, this scum of the earth would have done anything to get him and to hurt you in the process. And now she is projecting her own failed dreams onto your child? Hell to the NO. You being cruel? What a joke!!!!
OP responded:
I think so and I also wonder if she could have kids if mine would be discarded entirely. It mostly seems to be Jen's dreams of motherhood that keeps him maintaining any kind of custody schedule.