'AITA for telling my father that it was his fault he missed my son's first birthday party?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for telling my father that it was his fault he missed my son's first birthday party?"

My son turned one this past weekend. On Sunday, my husband and I threw a birthday party for him at a local kids venue. We confirmed the date, with both the venue and our guests, a few months ago. One of those guests was my father. Back when I informed him of the date, he told me he'd come. A few days before the party, he asked if there was any way for me to reschedule it.

I said no, as we'd already confirmed everything with the venue. My father then told me he'd be late to the party because there was an event at his girlfriend's church on the same day, and she wanted him to attend. I should say that my immediate family, including my father, is technically catholic, but none of us practice it.

However, my father's girlfriend is VERY religious. Like, Jesus as her phone wallpaper religious. Since they started dating (a little over a year ago), my father has been attending church with her on a semi-regular basis. He has explicitly told me he doesn't like it, but does it to make her happy.

I told my father I was fine with him being late, as long as he came to the party at some point. He said he'd show up as soon as the church event was done. A few hours before the party ended, my father texted me the event was still going, and he thought "it would be in poor taste" for him to leave early, so he probably wouldn't be able to come. I didn't hear from him again that day.

On Monday, my father called me to explain that the event went on for longer than he expected. He didn't apologize, but asked if I was angry at him, and I said yes.

He said he had no way of knowing the event would last as long as it did, but that's not what I'm upset about.

I told him he still chose to prioritize an event he didn't even want to attend over his grandson's first birthday party, made several other choices that led him to completely miss the latter, and didn't inform me about any of that until the last minute. All of those decisions were his, so the fact he ultimately didn't come to the party was his fault.

My father is still refusing to apologize, and insists I have no right to be angry over something he had "no control over."

I'm starting to feel odd about this. My husband is on my side, but my sister told me I'm being dramatic. AITA?

The internet did not hold back at all.

Tough-Combination-37 wrote:

NTA. He made his choice, asked if your were upset, was told “yes” you were to which he said well actually I was expecting you to placate MY feelings about missing the party and prioritizing my gf (who is an adult) over my grandson. Don’t. You seriously do not need to soothe his feelings.

Say to him clearly once more, “I’m upset you chose to miss the party. Why you missed it is beside the point. It’s not like you were in the ER with a ruptured spleen after a massive car wreck. You were with your gf. Period”. He doesn’t get a free pass on your feelings just because he values his own comfort over yours.

OP responded:

During that first phone call, it did kind of feel like he thought he was a victim. As if missing his grandson's birthday party was something that had happened to him, not something his own decisions had led to.

GhostParty21 wrote:

NTA. He prioritized another event over his grandson’s party. He prioritized his girlfriend’s church’s event over his grandson’s party. He ABSOLUTELY had control over it.

"Jesus as her phone wallpaper religious."

Also, this is killing me lolol.

OP responded:

I wish I were making this up.

Odd_West_8860 wrote:

NTA. Your father is an adult, and he made a choice to attend a different event. He asked if you were upset, and you answered him honestly. He chose his girlfriend over his grandchild. It's understandable to be disappointed in him and upset that he made the choices he's made. It's very possible he'll do this again in the future.

I do think hanging onto your anger only eats away at you, though. Doesn't seem to be bothering him all that much. Make peace with the fact that he's going to choose the girlfriend. Adulting sucks sometimes.

OP responded:

I don't plan on hanging on to my anger or anything, but I'm definitely still upset. My father has an odd work schedule, so this isn't the first important event he misses, but it's the first he chose to miss.

No-introduction3808 wrote:

NTA “it would be in poor taste to leave early” no it wouldn’t, unless he was giving a speech at the end or had an important role like organising it; it would be very understandable to leave to see his grandchild for their birthday. If anyone at church judged him for it then maybe they should reread the bible and learn how to be less judgmental.

A little over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hey guys. I intended to update sooner, but I've been busy these days. I think my main takeaway from your comments was that it's not my job to placate my father's feelings. He made several conscious decisions that led him to miss the birthday party.

He had the right to make those choices, but the consequences were, indeed, his fault. After deliberating for a while, I called my father to discuss the subject again. I told him I don't expect him to apologize, and I won't hold resentment towards him forever, but he can't expect me to pretend his actions didn't anger me, or that it wasn't his fault.

We had a long discussion about it. Throughout all of it, my father kept trying to play the victim. He'd talk about how he wanted to come to the party, and was upset he'd missed it. At one point he said, "You don't understand, I didn't want to go to the church."

I told him I don't care, what matters is that he did. He could have told his girlfriend he didn't want to go, but he didn't. He could have left the church early, but he didn't. He could have prioritized his previous commitment and not attended the event in the first place, but he didn't. Everything he did that day was within his control.

I won't get into the specifics of the discussion itself, but I will say that it took a while. I explained that if he wants to prioritize his girlfriend over his grandchild, the least he can do is be upfront about it. That means either not making promises he can't keep or acknowledging his responsibility when he makes regretful decisions.

My father did end up apologizing (and, more importantly, taking accountability). I forgave him, but I intend to be wary from now on. Looking back, I don't feel like I was ever able to truly rely on my father. Back then, he would miss events because he had a complicated work schedule.

But now that I know he's also capable of doing that willingly, I don't want to enable it. If my father ever prioritizes anything, be it a girlfriend or an event, over a commitment he made to my son again, I will stop inviting him. Same goes for any children my husband and I have in the future. I've informed my father of that, and he agreed.

His girlfriend, from what I've heard, is pissed at me, but I couldn't care less.

This will be my only update. I don't think I have anything else to add, but feel free to ask me any questions you may have. Thank you for your feedback on my last post.

The comments kept coming in.

Fleurtheleast wrote:

"You don't understand, I didn't want to go to the church."

Unless he was dragged there at gunpoint, I don't see how he could try to claim this was anyone's fault but his own. He made a series of choices but wants to act like his hands were tied.

At his age he should know how to stand up for himself and not be strong-armed into these kinds of situations, and to stop expecting a pity party when he disappoints people. Good on you for not letting him wiggle out of his accountability. As for the girlfriend, what does SHE have to be mad about? She got what she wanted! She can get bent.

OP responded:

I think my father told her he's not going to her church anymore. I can't be certain, but he told me he wanted to do that.

Anyway, I don't think she's my biggest fan.

throwawtphone wrote:

The kid won't remember as some have commented, that's true. But you, his daughter, will remember. This is more so about a promise your dad made to his, you his daughter to celebrate with you a momentous and special occasion in your life and in your husband's ie his son in laws life.

You know the people who are, in fact, your fathers actual family. He doesn't value you. You are right he should just be honest with you. You are an adult and can see through his bulls-t. I think you handled it correctly. NTA.

Acrobatic_Ear6673 wrote:

I once watched someone back out of a commitment to staff a volunteer event at the last moment. The person in charge said, "Well, that's disappointing."

The volunteer tried to get the event organizer to say it was ok, or that she understood, or that it wouldn't be a problem, and the organizer just said, "Look. You get to decide what you do with your time, but don't expect me to be happy with your decision."

This is what is happening. Your father expected to make his decision and not have to deal with the consequences of this decision.

SMcDona80 wrote:

I was curious what your relationship with the crazy religious gf is? Are you both friendly or is she more of the 'I'm going to make this man mine and separate him from his family' type? She either sprang the event on him last minute to see if he'd choose her or the daughter and grandson, or your father really is just that dumb.

OP responded:

Meh to all of the above, honestly. We're cordial with each other, but far from friends. I wouldn't say she acts territorial over my father (and his first post-divorce girlfriend tried to convince him to have me over less often than my sister, so I know what that's like), but there have been times in the past in which she looked a little jealous of the rest of the family.

My son is the first baby born to my father's side of the family in years, so he's been getting a lot of attention. I don't think she likes me much, but it's got more to do with the fact we are very different people. I'm pretty sure every life decision I've told her about was met with an awkward silence.

Recent-War9786 wrote:

Have they been together long? I would think a gf would want to come with him to his grandson’s birthday party. Even if she isn’t bffs with you she could still be cordial and want them to have a good relationship.

OP responded:

They've been together for a little over a year. I met her a few weeks after my son was born. Back when I invited my father to the party, I told him she was welcome to tag along.

AwayPossible1398 wrote:

And how do you know that she’s pissed at you? Did your father tell you that? Idk this wouldn’t be over for me…she has no right to be pissed at you. Your father kind of sucks for not shutting that down.

OP responded:

My sister told me. She still lives with my father.