'AITA for telling my father I won’t allow him to walk me down the aisle?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA For Telling My Father I Won’t Allow Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle?"

Just some backstory. I (35F) have a bad relationship with my father. Others in this story are Mum, Grandfather, my brothers E (33m) and A (27m). I could go into some stories, about the way I was treated by my dad. One example, when I was 5, my dad constantly said I was no good & said my sister, his other daughter, was much better than me.

I asked my mom about this sister, that I’d never met btw, when I was 7, & Mom explained to me that he’d never seen his other daughter, as he didn’t get on with the mother. When I was older, she explained how he’d basically abandoned the child, very much against my mom’s wishes.

This is just 1 example. There are loads, it would take a lot to get into all of them. But my dad is a hugely toxic person. For this reason, I am VERY low contact with him.

This dispute that I’m asking about, has literally been going on for years. I’m not in any relationship atm, my dad knows nothing about any past relationships I’ve been in, because he likes to interfere, which is a story for another time. He’s always said he can’t wait to walk me down the aisle & that he can’t wait for a man to ask his permission to marry me.

As a child I didn’t say anything. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve made it clear that no one will be asking his permission, & he will not be walking me down the aisle. I said as he had not acted as a proper parent to me in any way, that he had no right to demand any of the privileges of a father, where I was concerned.

His arguments against my personal decision are that it’s traditional as my Father, ETC.

My response was that he’s never been much of a Father, and it’s still my choice. That Grandpa can do it if I want. My dad moaned and groaned about it to everyone, but eventually shut up for 3 years. As he’s always been afraid of my grandpa. However, my grandpa died recently.

My dad decided to bring up, that as grandpa is now dead, who would I ask now? I was furious. So I told my dad I have 2 brothers. That was my mistake. My dad went to my brothers (E was his Golden Child, A came in 2nd) & told them they’re forbidden to walk me down the aisle. E, came to talk to me about this a few weeks ago.

He tried to say I was being unfair to my dad, & that he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle. A said he didn’t understand why my dad was going on about it, as I didn’t have a partner, & until I actually had one there was no point to it all.

Something I very much agreed with. But E said I shouldn’t ask him as he didn’t want to hurt my dad. This is where I may be the AH. In basic terms (character limit) I told him that as my dad’s favourite, he should maybe stick up for me, and not tell me what choices to make. So I took it out on him a bit.

E’s annoyed with me, & my mom thinks I shouldn’t have been so harsh on him, as he can’t help that Dad favoured him. My answer is that it’s not about Dad favouring E. it’s about E helping my dad control my choices. E doesn’t get to tell me my dad isn’t so bad. So Am I the AH?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ChewMyFudge said:

NTA at ALL! First of all, your Dad is the biggest AH here. Why LC? Just cut contact. He's adding nothing to your life besides drama. As for E, you think that you took it out on him, but in reality he went out of his way to come to you and say his dear old Daddy is hurting and he doesn't want to upset him. Boo-freaking-hoo, that man has been toxic to you for years! Decades even!

And this brother has the gull to say stuff like that? E should have just not done anything and said he didn't want any part in the drama. Best thing would be to stand up for you, but he's a coward so whatever. Instead he took your F's side and it more than justified your reaction towards him because he was now doing F's dirty work for him.

Gareth666 said:

NTA at all. I am someone who believes that a wedding is for the bride and groom, no one else. So do it how you want. In my opinion he is lucky if he even gets invited. If it was me I wouldn't invite him at all as he is clearly going to be an issue on the day.

thatrandomanus said:

NTA. Walk down the aisle by yourself! To me it seems you are the one who has helped yourself the most to get where you are. You can also ask your partner to walk with you. If/when you get married that day is your and your partner's. You guys decide everything. You don't have to take anyone's shit on that day. Your father's feelings can go straight to hell.

Venusbellarosa said:

Nta You shouldnt have any of them walk you down the aisle, you do you. When that time comes.

VeritatemQuarens said:

NTA. Men only walk their daughters down the aisle as a throwback to the time when their daughters were literally property to be transferred from one man to another via marriage. There's no reason to participate in that tradition with your father, who clearly sucks. Or your brothers for that matter, since they're not supporting you at all in this situation.

If you really want to be 'given away', ask another relative, a mentor, or your mother to do it. Otherwise, I'd say walk down the aisle alone, or together with your husband.

Verdict: NTA!

After some time went by, OP shared this update on the situation:

Now, the TL;DR for my last post is, my father has been arguing with me for years, also trying to rope my younger brothers in, about how he’ll be walking me down the aisle if I get married. I’ve told him no many times, as he’s treated me like garbage for most of my life. My grandfather died just over 2 years ago now, and my father had the nerve to say now he’s dead, my father should be my only choice.

I told him to bugger off. Now for new info. Most people, who commented on my last post, were of the opinion that I should stop talking to him completely. I can’t say they were wrong. At the time I felt I had no choice, for a few reasons.

So just over a year ago now, my father insisted on my Mum and her GF going with him and his GF to get fish and chips, by the seafront. My Mum didn’t want to go unless I went with them, as she gets super anxious when going out without me, due to mental health issues. She also has some pretty nasty health conditions which make it hard for her to walk.

So I said to her that if she really wanted to go, she should take her mobility scooter. It folds down, and can fit in most car boots. When we got there, I find out that my Mum’s scooter isn’t in the car. I asked her why, and my Mum’s GF told me that my father and his GF said they wouldn’t put it in the car, as it wouldn’t fit. I’m annoyed by this, as my Mum finds it very difficult to get around without it.

I say to my Mum’s GF it absolutely could fit. At no point did I speak to, or insult, my father or his GF. I was talking to my Mum and her GF. So my father’s GF decided she was going to start a fight with me, came over to start yelling in my face, about how wrong I was. I backed away and told her to get out of my face, as I’m not interested in fighting with her, as she’s an old woman.

This is when she decided to hit me. Full force. She didn’t hurt me, but she clearly wished to. She simply didn’t have the strength to hurt me. I’m not going to lie, I lost my temper. If it wasn’t for my Mum and her GF, I probably would’ve hit her. I go completely red rage when someone physically attacks me.

She jumped back into my father’s car and started whining that I attacked her and that’s why she hit me. Which was completely untrue. I told my Mum she can call the police if the woman wants to say that, but as my Mum and her GF stopped me from slapping her back, she’d be getting arrested, not me.

My father, of course, started hugging her, stroking her hand, asking if she was alright. He was in the car, doors open and must’ve heard the whole exchange. But he was more interested in his GF, then the fact she attacked me. I literally looked at him and asked him if he was serious. He was like “You’re not my problem. You scared GF.” I was already angry, but at that point I lost my temper on him fully.

I basically told him he’d always been the worst possible parent. He’d never cared about me or my feelings, he’d always made it very clear he favoured my brothers, and didn’t care about me. But this was simply the last straw. His GF attacked me, and he didn’t even ask if I was okay. I cut him off then and there.

It’s now been a pretty blissful year and a half, and not only have I cut the man completely from my life, I found myself a boyfriend who’s amazing (was seeing him before this incident happened) and we’ve decided, depending on how things go, that we may well do the marriage thing in a couple years.

Karma hitting my father, is that my brothers and mother refuse to speak to me on his behalf. So for the first time, I’ve cut him off without any guilt tripping or family interference.

Moral of this story? Cut off toxic family members as soon as you can. It’s not easy, but once it’s done you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Like you’ve finally removed a toxic tumour that’s been poisoning you for years. It helps. It makes you stop feeling bitter, because you’re not putting up with it anymore, and it’s finally in the past. You can move on. At least that’s how I feel.

As I said before, if there’s interest, I’ll post some of my toxic father stories. I might even do it just for venting purposes at some point. Hope everyone is having a great day.

Kudos for setting such a major boundary, OP!