'AITA for telling my friend that her wedding plans are currently 'unrealistic?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my friend that her wedding plans are currently 'unrealistic?'"
My (30F) friend (35F) recently got engaged and I'm absolutely thrilled for her. She has spoken previously before she was engaged that her and her partner want to elope in a different (more expensive) country. I have always supported her in this and am a big believer in your wedding your rules.
The problem arises when she got engaged and said she can't wait for elopement wedding. I took her aside and said that I may not be able to come due to finances, she responded that there will be plenty of time to save for the wedding (they plan for 2026) and that the cost is "what you make of it" and that it can always be made into a holiday for the guests so they are not just flying 12ish hours for the wedding.
The country and city she plans to elope is not my favourite place in the world, somewhere I have little interest in visiting and so I wouldn't make a holiday out of it.
If I was going to attend I'd attend only for the wedding and then return home. Fast forward 6 months and the planning has started and they have invited 40ish people to come to the wedding, stating that they know other people who have eloped and have had 20 to 30 guests.
I made a comment that I believe that is an unrealistic expectation as it is lot of cost to ask people and that she should be prepared that all 40 people might not come, in fact it could be significantly less. She immediately got defensive. Stating that she isn't being unreasonable and almost saying that then cost would be the same for guests at a home wedding.
Which I totally disagree on but didn't want to make the situation worse. She is aware there will be some people who say no, I'm a very close friend to her and I think she is more hurt that I'm implying I might not be able to make it. From what I know so far the couple aren't planning to pay any expenses apart from maybe one meal after the wedding.
Ever since my friend has been quiet and cold and I want to know if I maybe have said too much and should have just politely declined attending the wedding. I am still trying to see if I can make the cost work because I would love to go, but it is an awful lot of money for me (2.5k being generous). AITA for telling my friend I think she's being unrealistic about her wedding?
Not long after posting, OP shared two small edits.
Edit for clarification: I have described it as an elopement as that is what my friend has always said it is/would be. I hadn't actually considered it as a destination wedding and hence why I have stated that it may be unrealistic to have all these people go. Also not from the US.
Second edit: There are a few comments asking about what was my point even bringing this up if the bride already knew people would say no. However, the expectation between the close friends (which includes me) has been that we will be there no matter what. The expectation is that we can all afford it and go. I've had other friends come to me and voice their worries about it, and that's why I said it.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
thinkevolution wrote:
NTA. Anytime anyone has a destination wedding, they have to be prepared that there will be people that will not be able to attend. I don’t think you are wrong for telling her gently that people may not be able to attend and that she’s being a bit unrealistic to think that everyone will.
Also, if you can’t make it due to finances, etc., just be sure to give her plenty of notice and she will have to accept that. I don’t think it’s unfair to assume that people would not be able to go.
FunAdministration796 wrote:
Technically if she has an advance plan and is inviting guests it’s a wedding, not an elopement. So, she’s having a destination wedding a 12 hour plane ride away. That means any attendees are going to be a) a VERY VERY close friend and b)interested in traveling to this particular destination and c) has the financial resources for this trip.
She needs to resign herself to the fact that out of 40 people just a few are going to meet all three of those criteria. I hope she can get 5 maybe 10 people to go.
notthedefaultname wrote:
NTA, but from here on out, let her be wrong, let others tell her they can't attend and dont try to prep her for those refusals anymore. Politely decline and say you're sorry you will miss it, but you have personal financial goals for the next few years and don't have the budget to attend a destination wedding. Then stop justifying or discussing your RSVP.
mks01089 wrote:
Soft YTA. Not for not wanting to go. That totally your prerogative. But for framing it like it’s her problem that you can’t go. I wouldn’t have mentioned anything either time you brought up how “people” may not attend because of their choices. It’s fair to let her know that you might not be able to attend and then RSVP “no”. But stop trying to judge her choices.
YearOneTeach wrote:
YTA. Plenty of people plan small elopement/destination weddings like this. The key is letting guests know ASAP so they have time to save if they would like to go. Since she's planning it for 2026, I think she's got that part covered.
You also mentioned that she knows that some people might not come.
This whole post sounds more like you are trying to convince her not to do an elopement/destination wedding because it's not what you want.
It's not your wedding, and you're being incredibly negative about her planning the wedding that she and her fiancé want. Just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't make it okay for you to constantly tell her that no one is going to come to this wedding. Just because you don't like this destination and might not be able to afford to go, does not mean that every single guest feels the same way.