'AITA for telling my GF it wasn’t okay to wake me up in the middle of the night, even if she felt unsafe?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my girlfriend it wasn’t okay to wake me up in the middle of the night, even though she felt unsafe?"

So, this happened recently, and I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong here. My girlfriend called me in the middle of the night after being out drinking with friends. I had an extremely important and long workday ahead (she knew it), and I was already running on too little sleep. When she called, she said she missed me and just wanted to talk.

I told her I really needed to sleep because of my early start and how tired I was. She asked if I could stay on the phone with her for another 10 minutes, and we ended up having a nice conversation before I went back to bed. The next day, I told her that while I understood she wanted to talk, it really wasn’t okay for me to be woken up like that, especially when I had such a demanding day ahead.

Her response was that she felt unsafe walking home at night and that she needed to hear my voice to feel better. I stuck to my point. Then she said I was being an AH for not understanding the female perspective and how unsafe it can feel to be alone on a street at night. Also that I am an AH because she needed to ask for my help.

I told her I get that it can be scary, but I still think she could have called someone else who was awake or even ordered a taxi instead of waking me up when I had such an important day ahead. I obviously want to be there for her when she needs me, but I still think it’s unreasonable to wake someone up for a non-emergency in the middle of the night, especially when it’s going to mess up their day. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

PoTuckerGas wrote

YTA. It honestly sounds like you’re only there for her when it’s convenient for you, not when she needs.

Why is sleep and work more important to you, than your girlfriend’s safety?

Edit: Guys being on the phone with someone, while walking or in a taxi is in fact a safety measure! You can’t exactly call 911 while being attacked, but the person you’re talking to can.

Edit 2: The point is you should be able to rely on your partner. You should be able to call them at any time day or night if you need them. Sleep and work should not be more important than your partner. You should be willing to stay up all night when your partner needs you, then go work all day. If both parties aren’t willing to do that, you are in the wrong relationship.

Final edit because I wasn’t clear in what I meant: OPs gf shouldn’t be going out drinking without planning a safe way to get home. She should have told OP she felt unsafe on the call rather than the next day. She was wrong for both.

However. OP said he thinks it’s unreasonable to wake someone up at night if it’s not an emergency. That is why I think he’s an AH. There are many reasons one might call their partner in the middle of the night when it isn’t really an emergency but they are needed. You should be willing to be woken up by your partner if they need you no matter what, they should too!

It’s a two way street on this people.

The way OP talks about the call it sounds like he was woken up for no more than 30 minutes. While his gf wasn’t right in not planning, he was woken up for 30 minutes so his gf could feel safe walking home.

I’m sorry but 30 minutes once isn’t a big deal. Occasionally losing sleep for your partner is just what you do for the person you love. Each person sacrifices for the other. If you still think I’m wrong that’s cool. You don’t have to do any of that for anyone if you don’t want to, but hopefully one day you find the person that does.

XivinXiviir wrote:

Soft YTA here. Your desire for sleep is totally reasonable, and in general yeah if you’ve communicated you need to rest before a long and demanding day she should avoid calling during sleep hours. But feeling unsafe when walking home alone, that is an emergency. That’s a “I feel like I’m in danger, can I be on the phone with you so I’m not in as much danger” moment.

That’s what a partner is for! Sometimes you sacrifice a little to support them. Ten minutes isn’t that long, it’s not going to make or break your performance the next day. Suggesting she should call someone else is fine, but it should be suggesting she TRY calling someone else FIRST. But if that’s not enough, and she calls you, you pick up.

Now, if that continues and happens extremely frequently exactly when she knows you are indisposed, I’d question her risk assessment capabilities (either in determining how safe she is or in figuring out other options besides possibly risky behavior), but as it stand I think you’re slightly in the wrong here.

GladEar512 wrote:

As a woman whenever I took a cab late at night I called my boyfriend so that he knows my location at all times and the cab driver does not try something just because he thinks I am tipsy. If my boyfriend had said the same thing that OP said I would have been pissed because that means he does not care about my safety.

This goes the other way too, if my partner is travelling at any time and he wants to stay awake and not fall asleep I make sure that I am there talking to him no matter how sleepy I am or what plans I have the other day. So YTA.

genesis901 responded:

Absolutely. Shocking how many men in these comments think they understand how women feel when they’re alone. There have been plenty of times when I’ve got in a cab alone after a night out. My boyfriend sometimes wakes up at 3am to work - he still makes sure he is awake to make sure I get home safe. It’s not OP’s girlfriends fault we live in a world where we need to fear men.

Part of being a solid partner and someone who can be depended on is going out of your way sometimes to make the other feel good, safe and cared for. Even if it’s inconvenient for ourselves. To all the guys saying ‘he was barely conscious’ - spare me.

Let your girlfriend call you - it’s a preventative measure against harassment - and to the men saying ‘why not just call the police’, as I said, being on the phone with someone is preventative, to get potential har--sers to think twice or deter them from engaging with you because they know someone else is involved, even if on the phone. Calling the authorities is not preventative, it’s reactive.

After receiving feedback, OP jumped on with an update.

Edit: Thank you so much for helping me reflecting myself. I was definitely the AH because otherwise the „I want to be always there for you“ are just empty words.

Also I was mad of myself for not having enough sleep and the 30minutes I gave her is in no relation to give her the feeling of safety. I think the main reason, I wanted to set this boundary is because of another conflict which had nothing to do with that one.

The comments kept coming.

Littlelionmomma wrote:

Regardless of whether you're an AH or not, she'll stop calling you when she feels like she needs you since you were upset about being there for her and chastised her about it. Don't really see this getting better for you.

thrawacct4obvrsns wrote:

Dude, doesn't matter if the internet thinks you're YTA or not. You GF thinks you're an AH, so that's all that matters.

Mean_Zucchini1087 wrote:

Here's the thing. Being in a relationship can be inconvenient and there's a lot of give and take sometimes. When you care about someone though, it shouldn't matter, and you can put up with this sort of thing once in a while.

It's not all logistical and technical all the time. Yes TECHNICALLY you needed sleep and it was a bit annoying but if you can't bend for an inconvenience like this you should be single. It's not like she's always doing it. YTA.