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'AITA for telling my husband to figure out how to take care of our son?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my husband to figure out how to take care of our son?' UPDATED

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"AITA for telling my husband to figure out how to take care of our son?"

TL;DR; I’m taking a day away from my husband and son to be comfortable with going back to work. Husband has never had a day alone with son so I asked him to try to figure it out but I’ll be available if needed. He told his mother to come and help. I said no. He thinks I’m ridiculous.

I (30F) and my husband (33M) welcomed our first child this past September. I have been fortunate to be on maternity leave but that ends next week. My husband had 2 months off and has been working full time since.

He’s off on Sundays and Mondays. I have never left my son except to go to a wedding in December but we were only away for 3 of his wake hours. My in laws watched over him and everything was fine. I go back to work next week and my son will be attending day care. My husband is off this entire week and we’ve just been taking a staycation.

I told my husband though I want one day on my own to get more comfortable from being away from our baby and that I want him to have the day with the baby on his own. He has never been alone with him for more than an hour. He is a good father though and will help out when needed.

But he has never been there for the full blown cries and fussiness while having to take care of the house.

A few days ago, we went to a friends house and our son was screaming bloody hell. Whenever I held him, he would calm down.

Whenever my husband held him, he would just scream and cry even louder. So my husband just passed him along to me. I was getting frustrated cause I just wanted to relax with friends and he couldn’t calm him down for a minute. Today he tells me that his mom will be coming to help out. I asked him to tell her never mind cause he should be able to do it on his own.

He called me ridiculous and it shouldn’t matter but I think it really does. I can’t be bothered at work unless absolutely necessary so I wanted t this to be our “trial”. His mom will also be working on Mondays so it’s not like she will be available to help out then. His mom is taking his side but of course she will cause our son is her only grandson.

So AITA for telling husband to figure it out and step up?

This is my first AITA post and I’m frustrated just writing this so if you need more details to decide, just let me know and I’ll respond.

Not long after posting, OP shared a series of updates with more information.

ETA: I had a c-section and I exclusively breastfed so I physically could not leave the baby in the first 2 months. My lactation consultant told me not to pump until after 2 months as I needed to establish my milk supply. He took care of my while I took care of baby. He doesn’t do NOTHING. When I started pumping, husband was already at work. Husband does do feedings now.

ETA 2: This isn’t a punch towards his mother. I adore her. It’s really about him being independent with the baby. She helps us and I always appreciate it. Idk why yall think I’m spiteful.

ETA 3: When my husband is home, I do separate myself from them by going to a different room. But he does often come to the room for help. I’m not just dropping him off.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

bigbettie-0101 wrote:

NTA. He is the father of this child and should be able to handle him on his own. Is it just the crying that he can't seem to handle?

OP responded:

He doesn’t seem to understand the types of cries - hungry, tired, uncomfortable. I try not to insert myself physically so I tell him what he needs. He also doesn’t understand the necessity of baby exercises.

He plops baby in a bouncer which is a container when I’ve asked him plenty of times to let him be free on the floor mat so he can stretch, do tummy time, and learn to roll. I educated him more than enough times about that.

pottersquash wrote:

NAH. "Ok, what is your plan for getting comfortable alone with your child?" I'm giving him grace that he is just scared, and that like you, he wants a trial run before game time. Fine. Then whats ya plan cause "I can never be alone with my child" is not an option and that rubicon must be crossed within the next 72 hours cause at anytime he could have to be parent all by himself.

I get its scary. My first time 100% alone, mom traveled out of state and kiddo had 100 degree fever. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. But thats normal. All new parents are terrified and don't know what to do. You just gotta do it and find out you can and no one can do it like you.

Don't you ever pick that baby back from him while screaming. Make him figure it out. Blow on a belly, suck on atoe. I found that my kid found it HILARIOUS that I could put his entire fist in mouth.

Dads gotta figure it out just like moms.

poweller65 wrote:

NTA but this is a situation of your own creation. “Will help out when needed” is not parenting. You’ve spent the last 4 months allowing your husband to pass on all parenting duties to you.

HollowAnubis420 wrote:

NTA. I’m a stay at home dad it isn’t that hard. When we had our first my brother in law stayed with us for a few months to help us during the adjustment period(he has 3 kids all over the age of 10 so it was helpful) one thing he helped me do was force my wife to take days to herself. Normally I’ll do the grocery shopping but we had her do it.

As simple as hey babe can you go to the store and get some noodles for spaghetti tonight or hey we need gas would you mind running to the gas station. We slowly increased the amount of time she was out of the house to help her adjust to going back to work and being away from our daughter during the day. From what you said it sounds like he’s dealing with the fantasy vs reality issue.

Basically new dads having an expectation all fun games teaching moments fishing at the pier learning football etc and reality hits with those days are far off in the future right now it’s all care and comfort. He needs to be more hands on if he’s worried about failing or messing something up send him to r/daddit a lot of new dads come through there’s no judgment and it’s insanely helpful.

Ok-Consideration8724 wrote:

NTA. Father of two girls here. This often happens with breastfed babies. They develop an uber connection to mom and dad is just a dude who is there while momma feeds me and nurtures me.

So when dad does try to get involved, the baby goes into stranger danger mode and flips out. He’s just gotta keep working at it. That being said having his mom around may help a bit. She could teach him calming techniques, playing with the kid the right way, help around the house, etc.

As long as he is taking care of the kid and his mom isn’t doing everything, then I don’t see a problem with it. But he has to show growth. Also what worked for us was my wife handing me the daughter and walking out of sight for awhile but not leaving the house.

He does what he’s gotta do to get the kid to calm down. Also having an article clothing with your scent on it and wrapping it around the kid might help. But you gotta let him bottle feed the kid. Like every other feeding is what we did. I’m not saying it’ll work for yall but just some ideas to consider.

Sources: Reddit
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