'AITA for telling my husband's affair baby's family to get the kid or I'm calling CPS?' UPDATED

"AITAH for telling my husband's affair baby's family to either come get the kid or I'm calling CPS?"

My (F53) soon to be ex husband Roger (47), whom I forgave for his affair, came home with a baby four months ago. His girlfriend (22) could not handle it anymore and brought the baby to him at work and left. To the best of his knowledge she is in Spain. I allowed him to stay so long as I didn't have to do anything. Anything. Well, about a month ago Roger had a heart attack.

It didn't k-ll him, mores the pity, but he is very weak and incapable of doing anything for himself. Since he isn't up and about he cannot care for his child. He also cannot drop of and pick up his son at daycare. I have been helping but I'm done. My kids are full grown. I shouldn't be having grandkids any time soon. I do not have any desire to care for a baby.

I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother's parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services. They just left with the baby. But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm.

I view that child differently. Roger is recovering and I will be moving out. The house is in his name but I have never contributed to it. I have the equivalent of twenty two years of rent and interest put away. And as per our prenup my savings are my own. I work and I don't need anything out of this marriage except myself.

My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer. I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child's family, and a few mutual friends think I am. Perhaps writing this out and seeing the responses will give me clarity.

People kept it real in the comment section.

Global_Walrus1672 wrote:

NTA - let me get this straight though - no one is upset at the real mom who took off for Spain leaving her kid? It seems like all the hostility is being misdirected toward you who got dumped on more than once. You are doing the right thing.

At some point mom is more than likely going to show back up, want the kid and money to support it. Get away from that man as fast as you can. As far as your kids go, it sounds like they think you have some responsibility to support the guy who cheated on you for life so they can enjoy theirs without that added burden.

Hopefully they will wake up and realize that is placing you in an ab-sive situation. Wait until Roger passes, and they all want a part of the house and little miss guess who (if she finds out) wants a piece for her kid too. I bet their opinions change real fast.

TopAd7154 wrote:

NTA. That child was not your responsibility. Yes, it was innocent but you're literally not responsible for raising it. You should have divorced Roger long ago.

OP responded:

And God forbid something happens I literally cannot make any decisions regarding medical care or anything.

Smooth_Papaya_1849 wrote:

NTA. Basically everybody is trying to dump their responsibilities on you. The baby should be with family. You’re not cold to not want to care. It’s weird they wouldn’t want to take the kid in anyway. Poor child…your grown kids can take care of their dad. When he cheated, your relationship ended and he’s not your problem anymore.

Animeslut69 wrote:

NTA. They should be THANKING you for not calling CPS the second your ex fell ill. You have done much more than expected for a baby that is not yours, let alone a child from your husband’s affair?

blubberf-cker69 wrote:

I’d divorce my nearly 50 year old husband for f--ing a 22-year-old girl anyways. No second chances because that’s just gross.

A month later, OP shared another update.

I am no longer divorcing roger. There were complications from his heart attack and he has passed away. I am conflicted. He was the love of my love but also a cheating piece of trash. To the best of my knowledge the mother will not return from Europe. The child is currently with her parents. They asked me what I wanted to do.

I recommended adoption. Not that I adopt the child. That they put the child up for adoption. They didn't like that suggestion. Neither did my children. They said I am being cold and cruel.

I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either. I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate so I imagine lawyers will be involved in getting the child some sort of support. I will pay whatever is ordered by the court out of the estate. I will not pay one cent out of my money. That is all I have to say on this matter.

People had a lot to say in response.

GotMySillySocksOn wrote:

Get a paternity test before you allow of your husband’s estate to be taken.

P_0456 wrote:

They shouldn’t be asking you what to do with this baby, they should be talking to their own daughter. She’s the baby’s mother. You have no responsibility to this child.

petula_faerieIII wrote:

It’s funny how people are so vocal when it comes to what they want out of you, but then have nothing to say when it’s pointed out they could be doing that thing if it was so important to them.

Azsura12 wrote:

It is funny that everyone else expects you to take care of a child you have no connection to at all. Like I would get it if your children want to take in their half-sibling. But that baby is literally has no connection to you at all. Like this is nor your child nor is it your mistake.

And tbh a kid should have a loving parent and well getting past the issues with the kid will be hard so its not like you would even make a good fit for the kid anyways. Did your husband have any siblings or cousins or other family which could take them in. That might be the best solution.

But I entirely agree with not paying one cent out of your own savings. Also if your children have an issue with it, tell them they are free to adopt them. The AB (affair baby) has more of a connection to them then you. Since it has no connection to you other than your late husbands mistake.

Edit: One thing I forgot to note. It is especially extra funny the parents are pushing the OP. When their own daughter is in some far off land not wanting to take care of the child. That is the actual person they should be trying to guilt and give custody to.

Though again the same issues arise with, would that be a better life? Living with someone who will abandon them at a drop of a hat. BUT at bare minimum she is the childs mother. Like the best life for that child would likely be adoption (even though the adoption system is sketch as hell in general).

Broad-Discipline2360 wrote:

NTA.

I think people must be extremely dense to think you are "cold."

HE was unfaithful. His AP (a-s piece) was a c-nt and homewrecker that just ran away from her kid and that's YOUR problem? What kind of mental gymnastics are people doing? I think you were smart to call your kids out and tell them they can take care of their sibling if fAmiLy is so important. Big big hugs to you. Sorry for your loss.

Professional-Fact157 wrote:

This is one of those situations where as soon as you helped a little bit, it made it LOOK like you should keep helping. But if you had kicked him and the kid out right away, or if you had moved out right away without helping, the perception about you being responsible for this child would be completely different.

A woman getting mad and leaving her husband because he cheated and brought home an affair baby sounds completely reasonable. It is so hypocritical of people to think that just because you kept a level head about the situation and didn't burn everything down right away that you should just be a doormat forever. You haven't done anything wrong.

lapsteelguitar wrote:

Not your monkey, not your circus. You, personally, owe the child nothing. I find it interesting that your children, half siblings, think that you should care for your hubby's kid, but that they should not be involved. Assuming that somebody sues for part of your hubby's estate, please be smart & get a lawyer to represent you. NTA.