'AITA for telling my husband's friend that he was selfish and hurting his wife?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband's friend that he was selfish and hurting his wife?"

My (32F) husband (36M), has a high school friend (36M). Let’s call him John. John is a typical jock. Athletic, good looking, popular with girls. But I’ve been around enough to see and hear him being questionable towards women.

To the story: we were in a group of friends, and I was introducing them to my new baby (0F). Important info: I had a miserable pregnancy. The topic of having kids came up, and John started saying how him and his fiancee (32F) would be the next. More important information: his fiancee, Janet, is an amazing lady. Kind, smart, gentle.

Recently, she has been through a lot: lost her dad and her health has been terrible. Not going to say what, but she has a disease that causes headaches, weakness, dizzy spells, fainting, extreme fatigue. She has become more and more emotionally and physically dependent on him. On top of that she (and I) come from another country. It means her family and support system are not here.

Back to the situation: I asked her if they planned to have kids after the wedding, that is in 2 years. I thought that because it gives her time to recover.

He doesn’t let her answer and say they agreed they would only get married after having kids.

I am surprised for two reasons: she always said she wanted kids after marriage and her health is not good. She doesn’t say anything, but looks sad. I argue that it doesn’t seem like a good plan, and that a pregnancy now could put her health at risk. He said her “fertility window is almost closing” and that is now or never.

I start getting angry, and we discuss. I ended up saying he is selfish and this decision is only based on his wants and needs and is hurting her. Basically a form of a--se. The room gets quiet and we ended up leaving. My husband later agreed with me, but said it was not my place to say anything. Our friends are mixed, saying someone had to say it, but that I was too harsh.

I feel maybe was not my place and I was being a busybody, but after being through a hard pregnancy myself, without my family, I know how hard it is. And my husband is a great supportive guy. Meanwhile John leaves her alone all the time to party and enjoy life. He is dooming someone that trusts him blindly into a horrible situation. AITA?

People kept it honest in the comment section.

brogangles1 wrote:

What you said was the truth, but you were a little harsh. I think you were right to say it because the guy obviously doesn't care how he treats his wife. I also think you should ask *his fiance in private how she feels about her situation.

OP responded:

I agree that I came out too strong. I feel protective towards her. She is so sweet and nice. I feel she doesn’t deserve the way he treats her. But when I say something in private, she keeps repeating herself loves her and she never met a men like him. I feel she thinks that he is out of her league or something.

Wooden-Seasaw-3741 wrote:

Honestly, I would be pissed if someone started talking and arguing about MY health issues in public. I’m a really private person. Does the rest of the group know about her health issues? You didn’t speak to her, but made assumptions. She might not confide in you anymore. He might be an asshole, but she is an adult and you could have made it worse for her.

I had two awful pregnancies and was alone without family around, but my husband is amazing, as well. I get where you are coming from, but seriously be more aware next time and show your friend some respect. And don’t talk about people’s medical history in front of people. ESH (obviously not your friend).

OP responded:

I see your point. The group started with some people that studied together and expanded with their SO. We meet often and are friendly. When she got sick, we took turns visiting/checking up on her when she was alone for a reason or another.

Everyone seems to try to be her support system, but seem afraid to say anything to John.

It is almost when they get together, they regress to high school mentality and he is the “leader” and no one wants to confront him.

Once he left her for two weeks alone, knowing she had some test/procedures and we kept her company. I asked her if she was okay with him going skying when she is so ill, but she keeps repeating he loves her so much, and she is so lucky to have him. I held my tongue until this last time.

Anonymians wrote:

ESH (except his wife). In this conversation/fight both you and John are treating his wife as if she’s a child that can’t make decisions for herself. He is talking over her but you are also making assumptions about their decisions based on her “looking sad”.

OP responded:

I admit I should have talked to her first. But we just had a conversation about her health and she was telling me how somedays she can barely make out of bed. His smugness made me so angry, as if he knows what is best and no one can question him. I will apologise to her and ask if there is anything I can do.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Update: Thank you for all the answers. I am blown away by all the perspectives and was able to see further into the situation. I reached out to Janet and invited her for a coffee. We usually talk with more people around, so this was the first time fully alone. I started by apologising.

I said I should not have said all this things in front of everyone and acted as if she cannot speak for herself. She said she was initially embarrassed, but after further thought she started questioning if it was really a good idea to have kids now and has scheduled a talk with a specialist.

She said John doesn’t know, and she wants to have more information before talking to him. She also said he was furious afterwards and they had a terrible fight. So you guys were right, it was not the right move, and he did blame her, saying she should have defended their position and that she knew having kids was a must for him.

He also said that a woman would only be a real woman if she gave her man biological children. She asked him what if she could not, and apparently he never answered. It seems more has happened in the fight, but I decided not to pressure her and let her tell me what she was comfortable with.

Lastly, she decided to take some time off and go home to her mom, and I think it is a great idea. The saddest for me was that she cried saying someone like her would never get a men like him, and that she was scared of losing him. That it was like she found a golden ticket. I held my tongue, because I personally do not think he is a prize. But again I took the advice and did not pressure further.

I also had a long talk with my husband, and we are at odds. He still thinks I am overreacting and that John poops gold. I am frustrated, but not much I can do for now. Not a fantastic update, but it has only been a few days, so I will let you know if there is anything big happening.

The internet was fully invested.

ThrowRArosecolor wrote:

Ooof. There a trend of American dudes who specifically choose foreign partners from certain Asian countries because they consider them meek and docile. It’s been a thing for decades. This dude is definitely one of those.

The friend is an absolute carrot and no reasonable woman should be with someone like him. He’s also almost definitely not going to marry her after she gets pregnant and will remind her constantly that she’s damaged goods now.

captain_borque wrote:

I'll bet money that John is the kind of AH who is always accusing women of "babytrapping" men, and hates "anchor babies."

dialemformurder wrote:

Surely, at some point, most people grow out of thinking that someone is amazing simply because they're athletic and good looking. I understand there's a societal (unconscious) bias towards attractive people, but his fiancée described John as a "golden ticket" and OP's husband thinks he can do no wrong, even though John is clearly an AH. Get some higher standards, people.

peter095837 wrote:

This is one of those situations that really is tough to say. But I have a feeling this isn't the last we will see this.