'AITA for telling my mom not to babysit anymore when my husband changed his mind?'
"AITA for telling my mom not to babysit anymore when my husband changed his mind?"
My husband is a lawyer and I’m an engineer. We both have intense careers but he wanted a second child. I was happy with our daughter but he really wanted another child. We now have 2 daughters aged (3 and 1) and I came back from maternity leave and my mom took over full time caring for them.
We both work full time so she takes them when we work. My mom is a nurse but quit to look after our kids. I insisted we should pay her the going rate for daycares in the area which is around $1500 a child. So we pay $3000 for her to care for our children, cook for them etc.
She will also pick them up sometimes as we may need to be in the office early. My husband complained a lot about how expensive it was to pay her. He makes $140k and I make $110k so we can afford to pay her. But he thinks we are overpaying her and complained about it to her face.
My mom is not very confrontational but she got very upset. I argued with him on this for months until I decided it was better for her to go back to work and for us to use daycare. Finding a daycare was hard and now we pay $1800 a child for daycare and daycares obviously will not pickup your children nor will they cook for them.
We have less time now and at a higher cost for our children to be sick a lot during the winter season. So far this year we have been sick as an entire household 3 times. I was on a business trip and my husband was late picking up our children which resulted in a $75 late charge which my mom would have not charged extra for.
My husband is now demanding that my mom leave her job to go back to babysitting our children but I won’t let her because he did no research into the real cost of childcare and kept complaining how expensive it is even when I showed him.
My mom, even part time, makes $4300 a month as a nurse and I told my husband if we want her doing the child care we need to pay her that amount. Remember we already pay $3600 for daycare. He wants her to go back to the $3000 charge and is angry and claims my mom is asking for too much for such a simple job and that a grandma taking care of her grandchildren is a “privilege."
I told her not to quit and him that she isn’t babysitting which reduces his number of free hours and makes our lifestyle harder. He is angry at me for demanding we pay her what I feel she is owed. My mom probably would do it for free if we wanted but I definitely don’t think it’s fair. She needs to save for retirement and she has bills as well. AITA here?
The commenters did not hold back.
Shichimi80 wrote:
NTA. Where is your husband’s mom in all this?
OP responded:
She is in another state and not interested in helping.
PurplePufferPea wrote:
NTA! But I'm more concerned that your in a marriage with a man that has no problem treating you and your family as if they are all his employees.
"My husband is now demanding that my mom leave her job."
This is unacceptable, and my husband would find he's sleeping in the driveway if he ever tried to issue "demands" like that...
Mountain-Blood-7374 wrote:
NTA. My first thought before I even finished reading this was as soon as you guys switched to daycare you added on all the illnesses that come with it. You were right, it wasn’t just the cheaper price you both benefited from, but also the flexibility.
I bet if your kids did get sick your mom would still watch them, now when they are sick you call off. When you work late, she kept them, now you pay a fee. I think you are right to not go back to your mom’s help without paying more because your husband seems like he’ll keep taking advantage of her while still complaining it’s too expensive.
Quality childcare is hard to come by. You guys had a great deal before daycare. If your husband tries to switch gears and instead go for a nanny, let him know that’ll still cost more and you still won’t get all the benefits you had with your mom without paying even more on top of that.
MidCenturyMayhem wrote:
NTA, but your husband sure has big loud wrong opinions on your mother's finances, career, and time. He doesn't get to dictate what her time is worth, and he doesn't get to be angry that she holds a job now after complaining her childcare rate was too costly. I'd tell him he's made his opinions known, but he has no control over another adult, so now he needs to close his giant, gaping trap.
tigerz0973 wrote:
NTA. So husband FAFO 🙄 instead of having a loving grandmother ensuring their health, safety and well-being he begrudged paying your mother for her giving up a job (better paid at that) so his darling children could attend a daycare where they may be socialized but are at risk of catching all kinds of illnesses and there’s very little flexibility in pick up time, for a lawyer he has no common sense...
Embopbopbopdoowop wrote:
NTA. Demand your husband leave his job to care for the children. That caring for the children is ‘such a simple job’ and that taking care of your children is a ‘privilege’.
I’m glad you’re not letting him speak to your mom like that, but the complete lack of remorse and continued insistence your mom earn less (or no!!) money to care for your children? Because having two young children you both wanted is encroaching on your lifestyle? Yikes, OP. Yikes.
Awkward-Operation421 wrote:
Please tell me this isn’t real? I am speechless if this is in fact a real issue. Not sure how long you guys have been married, but I am positive that you will be divorced before your kids graduate high school if this is the way he acts when they are so young.
He sounds like a ridiculous person and if he ever hurt my mom’s feelings, we’d be done. I wish you luck though, and hope that you realize sooner rather than later that you can do better.