'AITA for telling my sister the truth about why I moved out so young? My mom is upset.'
"AITA for telling my sister the truth about why I moved out so young?"
I (27F) have a younger half-sister, “Emma” (17F). We share the same mom, but different dads. Our mom had me when she was really young and struggled a lot. By the time Emma was born, she was in a much more stable marriage, so Emma had a totally different upbringing than I did.
I moved out at 18 and was pretty much on my own from that point. I worked multiple jobs to pay for school and rent, while Emma has always had my mom and her dad’s full support—paid extracurriculars, a car at 16, and they’re even covering her college tuition.
I don’t resent her for it, but it does make it hard for her to understand my perspective sometimes. A few days ago, I was at my mom’s house visiting, and Emma made a comment about how I "chose to move out early" and how she didn’t get why I wasn’t around more often. She said it like I just wanted to leave and be distant.
I told her that it wasn’t exactly a choice—that once I turned 18, I was pretty much expected to figure things out on my own. Our mom and her husband were focused on their own lives and supporting her, and I had to become independent a lot sooner. Emma got really quiet and later told my mom what I said.
Now my mom is upset, saying I made it sound like she “abandoned” me, when in reality she was just young and struggling. She said I should’ve let the past go instead of making Emma feel guilty over things she had no control over. I wasn’t trying to make Emma feel bad, just explain why our experiences were different. But now I’m wondering—AITA for saying anything at all?
The internet had a lot of thoughts.
SweetHellBelle666 wrote:
Most definitely NTA! I left an ab-sive marriage with my 3 children and brought them up myself without their fathers help. He gave up his job, so he didn't have to pay me child maintenance. Sometimes I didn't eat, so they could. They didn't have as much as their friends did, but they tell me now (they re all in their 40s), that they didn't ever feel they were missing out on anything.
Now my youngest, a son who has moved in with his gf, she, doesn't understand when he talks about his upbringing, as she had a very different time. I think she thinks his dad couldn't have been that bad a father, or maybe he s exaggerating how little we/he had. Even going as far as suggesting maybe his father could attend their wedding!
Being brought up by very loving parents and having everything she ever wanted, she just doesn't understand. Your sister asked a question, and you gave her the honest truth. Your mother should be proud of what you have achieved and not make YOU feel bad because you told the truth. This sounds like your mother feels guilty, about her past.
You sound like a wonderful person and I'm proud of both of us for having worked through difficult times.
I wish you all the best, lovely 🥰🏴🏴
BellaTrix4Change wrote:
NTA, she asked a you answered truthfully. Your mother’s feelings are not your problem just like yours were not hers when you were 18.
LushLoverr wrote:
NTA. You didn’t say anything wrong. It’s not your fault your experiences were different, and it’s totally valid to explain that to Emma. She needs to understand where you're coming from, not feel sorry for it.
bmyst70 wrote:
NTA. Emma is old enough to understand exactly WHAT your mom did. It's frankly really fucked up that, as soon as you turned 18, you were basically out on your own. So, yes, SHE DID ABANDON YOU in effect.
My mom was a single mom who had me and my sister (8 years younger). Times were always tough for her. Know what she did NOT do? Kick me out as soon as I turned 18 and force me to do everything on my own. That is all on your mom.
ZeppelinMcgillicuddy wrote:
NTA. She was resenting you for something she didn't have the full truth about. Now she does, and it can make your relationship better. It sounds a bit like your mom was expecting you to say nothing, let your sister resent you for the wrong reasons, and you cover for mom while looking like the bad guy.
It's okay for your mom to have a healthy conversation with your sister, and it's also okay for you to explain that your mom was struggling and didn't do anything maliciously.
starsofreality wrote:
NTA. A good mom would validate you and your sister had a different experience and that she is sorry you felt neglected. That isn’t making Emma feel bad it’s just explaining the truth. Emotionally unsafe parents don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. She let you down and can’t own it.
justme7601 wrote:
NTA. OP - I have lived this. My mother was very young when she had me. My father died when I was very young. We struggled. Mum moved on and remarried. I have younger half siblings. They had an easier life than I did. I moved out early because there wasn't enough money or space for me to stay. One of the siblings still lives at home, the others moved out in their late 20s.
We did not have the same experiences as children.
Don't beat yourself up trying to get her to understand. It sucks that your sister doesn't get that her experience is not yours, and she may never be able to fully grasp that.
The only saving grace is, she is young and immature. If you can, try to maintain a relationship with her, and she might get it as she gets older. She also might not. It's ok to not be close with your siblings, and it's ok to create distance if that is what you need for your mental health.