'AITA for telling my son that I think he’s taking advantage of his girlfriend?'
"AITA for telling my son that I think he’s taking advantage of his girlfriend?"
My 59F son 23M has a baby with his ex girlfriend. The child is two. I don’t want to break the subreddit’s rules but essentially, she baby trapped him and it was a very toxic relationship. There was a massive issue with the paternity of my grandson but I’m very proud of how he dealt with the situation. He never stopped loving and caring for the child, usually on his own, even when he wasn’t sure if the baby was his.
Now, my son is dating a much nicer girl, Grace (19F). She is the best friend of my youngest son (20M). Grace loves children. She adores my grandson and often calls him "her baby." My grandson likes her too and it’s very adorable. I’ve known Grace for a long time and I think she’s just perfect.
The issue is, my son has started to give her a lot of child care responsibilities. My grandsons biological mother is hardly involved and my son is usually co-parenting with her parents instead of her so we have our grandson for most of the time.
Once, Grace spent the night in hospital with my grandson while my son was studying for an exam and it seems like her life is slowly starting to revolve around my grandson and his naps, his feeding schedule etc. Every free moment she has from college and work is spent with my grandson. I don’t want interfere but I’m going to be realistic, they have only been together for a year and what if they don’t work out? Then my grandson will be attached to someone he won’t see anymore. Additionally, she is very young and needs to live her life instead of being a mom so young.
Last week, my grandson was sick and my son had returned from work to come check on him. Grace was cuddling him at this point as she had been with him the whole day. My son tried to take him but he wanted to stay with Grace, so she said she would stay up with him and call out of work the next day. This is also not the first time she’s missed work or school to care for my grandson
Grace took him upstairs and my husband made a comment about how my son didn’t need to try so hard with his ex anymore to get her to parent when Grace was right here "being his mother." My son then said Grace was a godsend because without her he’d "get no sleep."
I took him aside and told him that I thought he was taking advantage of her and her time. He asked me what I meant and I told him that at 19, he was partying and having a blast every weekend but Grace was busy caring for a sick child that wasn’t even hers. I pointed out that she was missing out on work and school for him and my son got pissed and accused me of calling him abusive.
He also said that it was good she wasn’t partying because it wasn’t ’good or safe’ anyway. He then took Grace and his son back to his place and hasn’t let me see my grandson since. My husband thinks I was out of line because Grace is helping our son through something difficult and I’m starting to feel bad. My son wants an apology and he wants me to promise not to bring this up to Grace and give her any ideas.
EDIT:
Just want to clear something up. My son is not partying and leaving my grandson with Grace. I told him that at 19 he was out partying and at 19, Grace is being a mother to a child that isn’t hers. I was making a comparison.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
PracticalPrimrose said:
NTA. The sentence that seals the deal is that he doesn’t want you to give Grace “any ideas." In other words he 100% knows he’s taking advantage and (grossly) doesn’t want to rebalance. He will make Grace a terrible long term partner.
mistora said:
NTA, if I can ask how long have they been dating? As this seems to have moved very quickly as it sounds like she's taken on the full mother role. He is asking alot of her and while it's her choice if that's what she wants, it's good someone is making sure the arrangement is fair. Because honestly if she's missing out on work and school it's not 100% balanced as your sons life is taking priority in the relationship and that's something she may regret later.
Skydiving_Sus said:
I mean, it seems like he got offended because you're right. But ultimately, it's Grace's decision if she wants to be a mother to this child. You'd like to hope that your son would be like, "She's great and I really love her." Because... like, does he? Because you definitely didn't clarify his feelings about Grace, other than him seeing her as a godsend.
If he's scared that you'll scare her off with this sort of talk, it makes it seem that's the priority there, not actual affection for Grace. If he cared about Grace, he'd want to make sure she doesn't feel like she's being taken advantage of, and that knowledge would come through conversation, not ignoring the question. NTA, imo.
UMAbyUMA said:
NTA. But the behavior of your son and your husband makes me feel a bit disgusted. Their comments may not be intentional, but it seems deep down they just see Grace as a convenient mother figure, rather than someone to care for and respect as a person. This is indeed a form of exploitation.
Your son asking you not to speak up about it indicates that he also knows his behavior is problematic. I'm not saying he doesn't have a chance to change, but I can only hope that your upbringing is honest enough to prevent him from going too far down the path of exploiting women (although your husband also worries me, so I'm not too hopeful).
Authentic_Jester said:
NTA, your son definitely is taking advantage of that girl. He's 4 years older and she's a friend of the younger sibling? Yikes all around imo.
Bitter-Accident-1776 said:
NTA. He’s only angry because he knows giving her more freedom will ruin his good time. If she’s staying home from partying, he should be there with her.
mortefina said:
NTA. I think its worth it to get Grace's perspective, don't approach the conversation with any specific perspective but ask her what her perspective is and how she sees her role.