'AITA for telling my stepdad's family he's not my dad and I'm not his son?'

"AITA for telling my stepdad's family he's not my dad and I'm not his son?"

My parents weren't married but both were in my life until my dad died when I (17m) was 10. When I was 5 my mom met my stepdad and they got married when I was 8. I have mixed feelings on my stepdad. Mostly I don't think he's a bad guy. But he annoys me when he talks like he's my dad.

He always kinda did it, but after my dad passed he went from doing it sometimes to all the time where it felt like he was trying to claim he owned me or something. Even before dad passed I'd say it bothered me and I didn't like him doing it. That I had a dad and he wasn't him. My mom told me I should be grateful to have two dads and if I opened my heart I really could. So speaking up like that didn't help.

My stepdad was more involved after my dad passed because there was no 50% of my time with dad. There was no dad for Father's Day stuff. He would drag me to father/son Father's Day activities with him (picked me up and put me in the car three years in a row). He would say I was his boy and he was a proud father to me.

He'd get pissy when I corrected and said my dad was actually deceased and he was just my stepdad. The just part bothered him most but all of it bothered him. Because he wouldn't stop, I went from not disliking him but not loving him, to actually disliking him. I told my therapist before, I don't care if he's proud of me, I don't want or need him to be proud. He's not important enough to me for me to care.

My stepdad's family are so bad at saying I'm his son and trying to say we look alike. Yesterday mom insisted I join them at his parents house and his parents and his sisters kept calling me his son and calling him my dad. I got so tired of it that in front of their guests and in front of younger kids (my half sibling and stepdad's nieces and nephews) that he's not my dad and I'm not his son.

I said my dad is (dad's name) and he passed but he did not abandon me or pass me off for him to claim. I told them I was a person and not a car he could claim. They were angry I rejected him so openly and that I'd correct them saying dad/son. AITA?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

No_Cockroach4248 wrote:

NTA, they refused to respect your boundaries, thinking that if they repeated themselves often enough (read bully you sufficiently) you will accept your stepdad as dad. How would your mom or your mom’s husband like if either were to die and your half siblings to welcome a shiny new replacement mom or dad?

OP responded:

They wouldn't. But even if they divorced, if one got a new spouse who insisted on claiming my half siblings it would get awkward. Dad had a girlfriend for a while too and mom was jealous of her and she was never any kind of parent to me.

Foxysockzgirl wrote:

NTA. You've been clear about your boundaries, and they keep pushing the "dad/son" narrative despite how you feel. It's understandable that after years of this, you finally had enough and spoke out. Your stepdad may mean well, but trying to replace your dad or force a relationship isn't fair to you.

You’re allowed to honor your real dad and not accept your stepdad as a father figure. It’s your life, and you shouldn’t have to keep correcting people who won’t respect that.

Hungry-Book wrote:

NTA. You are old enough to recognize who is your dad and what a dad means. Yes, stepdads play a crucial role in the upbringing of a child/children, however, most know their spot. Your stepdad and everyone else have no right to dictate your feelings and thoughts on the matter.

notthelizardgenitals wrote:

I'm so very sorry that your mom is not listening to you and trying to force you into a relationship you don't want. Are there other trusted adults you can lean on during this time, maybe parents of your friends? I wish you all the best.

RedRxbin wrote:

NTA. They’re being excessive and violating your explicit boundaries. And whoever was trying to claim you look like the guy you’re not biologically related to was a bit odd.

However I want you to consider - do you think your Stepdad is a bad guy, at heart? Like is he a bad person?

If you guys aren’t in family therapy I’d recommend, and maybe look at a way he can exist as a trusted adult in your life without ‘taking over’ from your Dad. As someone with 0 fathers or father figures, I’d have killed to have one, let alone two. Outside of you feeling he’s trying to replace your Dad, do you have common interests? Anything to get along about?

OP responded:

Not really. I just don't think he's someone I'll ever be able to get close to or get along with. We were okay for a while but he's just too pushy about this stuff and we don't have any shared interests. Plus I feel like he sees me as something to claim, not a person.

The way he went from doing this stuff sometimes to all the time right after I lost my dad too gives me a bad vibe about him. He also refuses to accept how I feel about it and ignores it so that also goes against him for me.

Shashi1066 wrote:

It sounds like your step dad has his heart in the right place. But it also sounds like your rejection of him is because you’re still grieving for your father. There is no time limit on grieving, especially when he died while you were so young.

Can’t you just have a direct but polite conversation with your step dad and say that you need time to grieve. And that your dad can never be replaced? To try to replace him, is like diminishing his memory. Go ahead and grieve all that you need to. And my very best wishes.