'AITA for telling my vegan friend I don’t want to come over for Thanksgiving Dinner?'
"AITA for telling my vegan friend I don’t want to come over for Thanksgiving Dinner?"
I (54f) have a friend (55f) who went vegan 10 years ago. We’ve been friends 20 years or more. We have a large group of friends 15-20 and there are a few of us that switch off cooking dinner on Thanksgiving for whoever is in town.
Since “Ann” went vegan we’ve always accommodated her dietary restrictions with at the very least some tofurkey, one side dish and one dessert being strictly vegan.
This year Ann jumped in early and for the first time ever said she wanted to cook Thanksgiving this year. Not a problem. Until she informed us in the group chat dinner will be 100% vegan. Some of us offered to bring more omnivore offerings, including a turkey and she insisted we eat vegan while at her house.
She declared that vegan food “tastes exactly the same” as omnivore food. It does not. I’ve been to her house and choked down bean burgers and chocolate cake and probably a dozen other meals each of which she insisted tasted just like the real thing. She even tried to fool me once with a beyond burger, insisting is was a regular hamburger.
I have only found a limited number of vegan dishes I enjoy and none of them have ever been made by her. After thinking it over and discussing it with my husband we decided to privately tell her we were bowing out of dinner on Thanksgiving this year. I told her I wanted turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie that were made with traditional ingredients.
I could have lied and said we had plans to travel to see family but I don’t want lie. Ann has become angrier and angrier with me since I told her this about a week ago. Then she went and complained to some of the women in our group about me refusing to attend just because she’s cooking.
Which is sort of true but still made me angry. So I ended explaining to the other ladies that we all very considerately make vegan dishes just for her at every party and get together any of us throw and it’s really unreasonable for her to insist that I strictly adhere to her dietary choices when I have never demanded the same from her.
So that blew up because all the ladies have now jumped to my way of thinking and decided they will have Thanksgiving at one of their houses instead. (We will not be attending their Thanksgiving either)
My husband says we probably should have lied about going out of town or at the very least I should have not explained my reasoning to the other ladies. I’ve decided to stay out of it from here on out but somehow Anna blames me for the whole debacle. AITA for declining to attended a vegan Thanksgiving?
The internet did not hold back.
Discount_Mithral wrote:
NTA. You accommodated her many times over, but she refuses to do so when hosting. I get that being vegan is a choice most people make for ethical reasons, but the BS line of "it all tastes the same!" is so asinine. It doesn't - and they know it.
I often eat vegan meals of my own making, but never once have I made it thinking "this will taste just like that meat dish I made yesterday!" I KNOW it doesn't - and I'm happy with my veggies. Hopefully Ann takes this as the eye opening it needs to be.
Her beliefs and choices are not something everyone will adopt, and the more she forces it on people, the more those people will reject the idea. I hope she enjoys her Thanksgiving alone, because until she returns the graciousness of providing food for everyone at the table to enjoy based on their dietary choices, that's how she'll be spending it.
Entarotupac wrote:
Pescatarian here. I am pro [food] choice. There are plenty of vegetarian/vegan dishes that are lovely by themselves. The ones that almost always suck are the ones that are pretending to be something else. Playing food dress up on a holiday defined by the food served will go poorly. NTA.
Tinkerpro wrote:
Staying out of this now is a good strategy. You didn’t do anything wrong. You told your friend you would not be attending giving her more than ample notice (instead of just not showing up). You asked if non Vegan food could be available and she said no. that could cause problems for people like me because soy products are off my list as well as bread and other “fillers.”
Honestly, I don’t want just salad for my thanksgiving meal. You didn’t encourage anyone else to back out, you were honest when they asked. This doesn’t have to be a debacle. Ann turned it into that all by herself.
OP responded:
This makes me feel so much better. Because I was instrumental in the rest of the group bailing on dinner too. But I feel like Ann brought that on herself by complaining to everyone behind my back. Thank you for validating my reasoning!
Kind-Dust7441 wrote:
My favorite part of this story is the “I’ve stirred the pot enough and now I’m going to step back and watch it bubble over” ending!
ETA: NTA. I am pescatarian but I don’t care what anyone says, Thanksgiving is about the traditional turkey and all the fixings.
Ok-Horror-1049 wrote:
NTA! Most people who say vegan/non-vegan stuff tastes the same are themselves a vegan (you almost never hear a non-vegan say "I can't tell the difference! We can😕.") For many, TGives is the World Series of annual dinners! I get that Ann would like to host, but if she isn't even willing to allow others to bring non-vegan dishes.
Then she should expect that some people will not want to attend. Her house, her rules, but it is also up to the guest to decide if they would like to join. Invitation, not a summons😡....