'AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?'
"AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?"
I work in a job where they are certain times that I do not have access to my phone or I am in the middle of nowhere.These times are well scheduled in advance and basically take up my whole day.
There are a ton of safety regulations I have to follow during this time.
My wife was pregnant and at the time I planned to take off work near her due date. Unfortunately she went into labor early ( about a month early) and I was on an inspection.
I only learned about her going into labor when I got signal again. By the time I got to the hospital she has already given birth.
This was about a 1.5 years ago and I am involved father. The issue is every single time we have an argument she will bring up I missed the birth.
It happens almost every single time form serious arguments to what fast food should we get. Today was my breaking point, we got into an argument about her wanting to change the daycare situation. She wants to change daycare to one closer to the home. I do drop off and she does pick up. The only one closer to our home is too expensive and we can not afford it.
In the middle of the argument she pulled out I wasn’t there for the birth again. I told her she needs to get over that and stop using it in every f-ing argument we have. She called me a jerk and left.
AITA?
The internet was quick to share their thoughts in response.
SkyKingtheGreat wrote:
NTA but I wouldn’t have brought it up at that moment, during the heat of an argument. I would wait till after things cooled down and talk to her and say how hurtful it is that she keeps bringing that up and that she knows that you had no control over it.
If she keeps trying to use it against you, that’d be a more serious conversation.
Edit for clarity:
Because apparently some people think I’m gleefully defending the wife here, I wanted to edit to say 1. My comment was before the OP clarified that he had already had this discussion with the wife before and it has continued and 2. I speak from experience when I say to wait after things have cooled down before speaking.
This is why many of yall can’t have functioning relationships, because you immediately jump to hell fire. With that said, especially because of the added info from the OP, I definitely don’t blame the OP for snapping, but obviously heating conversations will never resolve anything.
As I said in another comment down below early on, the OP doesn’t deserve the resentment from the wife, and I agree with many people that she needs therapy. Only the OP and wife can decide what to do from here, and hopefully, for the sake of the kid, can find a resolution that will leave neither with hurt feelings.
OP responded:
I guess I should have put it in the post that we have talked about this before.
She claims she is fine that I missed it when she is calm but it still always pops up during an argument.
FeelingGross99 wrote:
INFO: Did she have anyone with her during the birth? Did baby have to stay in hospital after birth for more than a few days? I ask because I was like your wife. In a way I still am, but I've talked about it both to a therapist and my ex that missed the birth. It's scary and I'd hazard a guess a little traumatic too.
That doesn't mean she gets a free pass to throw it in your face at every disagreement. BUT if she's still hurting from it, don't expect it to go away with one conversation. NTA and I hope you guys can get through it together.
OP responded:
Her mom was there.
Baby was pretty healthy and only stayed an extra day since she was born early.
twelvedayslate wrote:
Info: does your work not have an emergency on site person that can be reached in case of… well, emergency?
OP responded:
She didn’t call my company, we do and they can contact me but she didn’t call them.
Nowordsofitsown wrote:
You should discuss this in depth. I get the impression from your post that you believe that she thinks you were a bad father for not being there. But she probably brings it up all the time because she felt so vulnerable and alone without you.
But: It was really, really bad luck how things went down:
A month early
On a no signal day.
Happening so quickly that she went from noticing the birth had started to having given birth within what? 8 hours maximum? The average labor for first time mothers is 13 hours. (If you ever have a second baby, be prepared for a very, very short labor! Like risking having the baby at home or in the car kind of short!)
Unless there is something you are not telling us?
INFO Was there any sign of labor before you left for work that day?
Because if there was, that would be a very different story.
OP responded:
Not really, it was a surprise for both of us.
ShutUpMorrisseyffs wrote:
Have you thought about couples therapy? She has unresolved anger towards you. I think you need a professional to sort this out.
OP responded:
She isn’t the type of person who likes therapy.
tallcardsfan wrote:
The problem with her continuously bringing it up is it also reminds you that you were not able to be there when you wanted to be. Sounds like it was a once in a life time event you wanted it attend. She is reminding you of your own sadness of missing the event.
You can’t fix it. Life happens. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and get back up otherwise you just end up down and out. You’re telling her get over it, but I think you mean we need to move past it.
It’s unfixable.
It’s a serious hurt though. You do not want to continuously pick at the scab. You want to heal from that. Have a conversation to let her know how it hurts you to be reminded. NTA.