'AITA for telling my wife the house we're gonna build won't have 5 extra rooms for her family?'
"AITA for telling my wife that the house we are gonna build won't have 5 extra rooms for her mom, her 3 brothers and her cousin?"
I was looking at house plans to submit to the town hall for approval for an acre we own out in Minnesota, 4 bedroom, one for wife and me one for each of our 2 kids and an extra room as a play room/game room. "Where's my family staying?"
She already promised them that they would move in with us, and she is now furious that "You only care about yourself. What about me?" I told her that I didn't agree to that from the start. Now she's looking to sell the land from under me to prove a point, I guess.
Info: The land is owned jointly by me and my wife. It was purchased using the life insurance payout we got for the death of our one year old girl in 2021. Between then and now, I got a manufacturing job with a federal government contractor.
Her family has no stake or rights to our land. I got a call from the town's registrar about the "ownership change inquiries" for the land. We actually own 2 parcels, and I offered her to sell one parcel to her siblings for market value, but she declined. The house will be paid by me. I told her if her family want, I can do an ADU, but they will pay market value for their rent, per room. So, about 900 each. She declined.
My current course of action is to transfer my ownership of the land into a trust with my kids as primary owners with express instructions that only direct descendants of me may build and live on the property.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
LK_feral wrote:
NTA. I'm guessing her family would also be a financial burden? Why else would they need to live with you? That many functioning adults should be able to pool together, buy their own land, and build their own house.
However...who owns the land? You may be selling it soon to divide the marital assets anyway, if you really don't want your wife's relatives living with you. If the land is in her family or was her inheritance, I'd change my vote. But, if you purchased it together, my vote stands.
Seanthebean24 wrote:
Info. Who actually owns the land? Your Wife, you, or is it a joint marital asset? If it’s yours then she doesn’t get to tell you what to do with it, if it’s hers then she can sell it if she wants, if it’s a joint asset neither of you can sell it without the other person. My solution is is that if it is hers she can sell it and then divorce her. Don’t waste your time building a life to get stuck taking care of her family.
medicoreapples wrote:
Omg. Heck no don't let them live in the same home as you both. That will end all intimacy for sure. IF she is 100% on having her family live with her, then an idea is that on the same land you both can build a tiny small place for them to stay at that is seperate from your house.
No-Donut-8692 wrote:
NTA because those sort of decisions need to be made by both, regardless. But I’m confused. How could she sell the land without your permission? You said it was an acre that “we” own. Did you both contribute to buying said land?
I’m just trying to think why her family feels an entitlement to move in. Your story is light on the financial details that might shed some light as to why this whole disagreement is happening.
LLD615 wrote:
It sounds like you guys may have a communication problem if you were already submitting plans and she thought there would be five extra rooms and she already told five extra people they could move in. It’s not like she said one or two people could come visit. Five people moving in and you didn’t even know?
KroftSurvivor wrote:
ESH. There's no way this is a total shocker to you - which one of you legally owns the land? What percentage are each of you contributing to the home building? Where do her family members live now, and is her mother a co-owner of the land? Cancel plans for building a house & get into marriage counseling.
immoral_support wrote:
This feels beyond the scope of AITA. You own land but with zero communication as to what you’ll do with it? Your wife promised her family they’d move in? This feels highly likely to result in divorce and you may need either a real estate or a divorce lawyer, or both. If I had to give a grade, ESH I guess.
Sweaty_Painting_8356 wrote:
How did you get to this stage without once talking about the plans? And how does anyone think it's a good idea to potentially have 11 people living in one house? If 3 brothers and cousin start finding partners it will be 11 people.
That's before you factor in pets and future children. 11 is a lot of people to trip over while trying to make breakfast in the morning in a shared kitchen. Honestly, I know the internet always says this; this is divorce level incompatibility. Everyone involved sounds like an AH.
GuyfromLI747 wrote:
NTA but also ESH. You’re leaving out a lot of the story and I feel like you’re being dishonest to get people to agree with you.. if you say is really the truth NTA for the fact that what’s wrong with where they live now? What’s next you work 5 jobs to support everyone...you both need to start going to counseling or get a divorce.