'AITA for telling my wife I don’t want to spend Christmas with her family every year?'
"AITA for telling my wife I don’t want to spend Christmas with her family every year?"
My (30M) wife (28F) comes from a very close-knit family. Every single Christmas, we spend the holidays with her parents, sister, and her sister’s family. It’s always the same—wake up at their house, open presents, big lunch, and an evening spent playing board games.
Don’t get me wrong, I love her family, and the tradition is nice. But here’s the issue: in the six years we’ve been married, we’ve never had a Christmas that’s just us or even one with my side of the family.
My parents live across the country, and traveling to see them during the holidays is expensive, so we usually end up visiting them another time of year. This year, I suggested we do something different. I wanted to spend Christmas just the two of us and our daughter (5F) at home or even go to my parents’ for once.
My wife immediately shut it down, saying Christmas is meant to be with her family, and it would break their hearts if we didn’t come. When I pressed the issue, she said I was being selfish for not valuing the traditions that are important to her. I told her it feels like her family’s feelings always come first and that I want to start our own traditions, even if it’s just every other year.
Now, she’s upset and told me I’ve ruined the holiday spirit. Her parents even got wind of the conversation (not sure how) and are now saying they “don’t know what they did to make me feel unwelcome.” Am I the jerk for wanting to switch things up for Christmas? Or should I just accept that her family’s traditions are the default?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
CinnamonBlue wrote:
“Got wind of…”. She told them.
PastorBlinky wrote:
NTA - There is always give and take with these things. Honestly having a huge family Christmas every year sounds exhausting. Especially with a kid at this age it’s so much more meaningful to have it just be your family, not the extended family. When you use the word family, who does she think of? I’d ask her. Because at this age it should be her partner and child. That’s her immediate family.
Sounds like she sees you as an addition to her family, not that the two of you form a family unit. That’s not a healthy outlook long term. Because all solutions to this problem come from that foundation. Whatever negotiations you make start there. It really sounds like it’s time to forge your own traditions as adults, whatever shape that takes. Her parents aren’t helping acting hurt.
The first thing you have to learn as your kids grow up is that they have their own lives and commitments. I’d want my daughter to love someone enough that she wants to create new memories with that person. Even if what I really want is for them to never leave home. They’re not helping. This sounds like you need a long conversation with her about what family means, and how to be fair in a relationship.
agnesperdanitt wrote:
NTA.
"Her parents even got wind of the conversation (not sure how) and are now saying they “don’t know what they did to make me feel unwelcome.”"
My guess: your wife ran to mommy and daddy and complained that you want to break up their "close-knit family".
It is absolutely valid that you want to spend the holidays with your family, be it just your wife and child or with your own parents, who probablydefinitely would be delighted to spend one Christmas once in a while with their child and their grand-child (maybe even with their DIL, who knows?)
Inside-Wonder6310 wrote:
Does your wife not realize the family both of you have created with your daughter? That should come first. However, I do see the importance of seeing BOTH sides of the family if you can. For instance, my wife's dad lives in the same city as us, so it's not a big deal to go over there as well as have our own Christmas.
We also try and make it to my grandparents for a Christmas gettogether as they're close by too. Now, my wife's mother lives about 900 miles away, so it's pretty hard to ever make it out that way. But we also don't have any kids, and we don't mind going to multiple Christmases each year.
However, my wife and I also discussed that when we do have a baby, we aren't traveling to see anyone and dragging a baby all around. We will do Christmas at our house and any family that wants to come see us are more than welcome to come to us. I'm just glad that her and I had all these discussions prior to having kids.
DimGrund71 wrote:
The problem isn't your intentions, but your timing. You have to start at the beginning of the year and work out a plan, not try to change things last minute. As long as you live close to her family you're not going to have much women out unless you have a better reason than you just don't feel like it. If there are reasons for what you feel then you need to share that with her.
While I would say that you are NTA I do remember that tradition I've always going to my grandparents place over the Christmas holidays every year. All of my grandparents are gone and the entire family is fractured and nobody does anything together anymore. I would give anything to go back to those days and those memories are precious.