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'AITA for telling my wife I won’t hang out with her sister and affair partner?'

'AITA for telling my wife I won’t hang out with her sister and affair partner?'

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"AITA for telling my wife I won’t hang out with her sister and affair partner?"

I (26 M) have been married to my wife, Sarah (26 F) for 5 years. My wife has a sister, Chelsea (30 F) with whom she’s incredibly close with and they pretty much talk everyday. The three of us, and Chelsea’s husband, Ryan (30 M) used to spend a lot of time together, going on double dates and hanging out as couples.

About a year ago, everything changed. It was revealed that Chelsea was having an affair with a guy name Doug (35 M). This came as an incredible shock to me as we hung out so much as couples. Ryan took the cheating pretty hard and confided it in me how hurt he was for her stepping out on him. Honestly, I was devastated for the guy, and I felt a lot of anger about how everything had played out.

My wife insists she did not know that her sister was having an affair. However, given how close she and Chelsea are, I have my doubts. Her and Ryan eventually divorced and Chelsea has been with Doug ever since. Despite everything that happened, my wife and Chelsea have continued their close relationship, going to brunches and spas together, just as they did before.

However, when my wife first brought up the idea of doing a couple’s activity with Chelsea and Doug, I made it clear that I didn’t want to participate. I still think it’s messed up how Chelsea cheated on Ryan, sneaking around behind his back for so long, and then acting like nothing happened. My wife says the marriage is over now and it is time to accept Doug as part of the family.

When Chelsea brought up the idea of going on a couple’s trip with her and Doug, I reiterated to my wife that I didn’t want to hang out with her sister and her affair partner. My wife got upset, asking why I was harping on this and how it didn’t affect me. I told her it did affect me because Ryan was hurt deeply by what Chelsea did. He trusted her, and she betrayed him in the worst way.

Sarah said I couldn’t judge their relationship because I didn’t know what it was like. Sarah then told me that she still loves her sister and isn’t going to abandon her because of the affair. I told her I wasn’t asking her to stop talking to Chelsea—I just didn’t want to be expected to hang out with Chelsea and Doug as a couple.

The internet had a lot to say about OP's quandary.

Natural_garbage7674 wrote:

NTA. This happened to my dad when my dad left my mum for a younger woman. He couldn't understand why it felt different when he spent time with his cousin, who was like a brother to him, and his family. He didn't understand that they didn't just like whoever his partner was, they actually liked my mum as a person, not as an extension of him. Eventually, the cousin's wife put her foot down.

She told my dad that my mum and my siblings and I were always welcome in her home. My mum was her friend, dad's girlfriend was just some woman they didn't know. This is what's happening here. You didn't hang out with your in-laws because they're family, you hung out because you were friends. Doug is not your friend, and, quite frankly, Chelsea isn't either.

Chelsea is your wife's sister, you disagree with who she is as a person, and you aren't going to be friends with Doug. You're never going to hang out with them the way you used to with Ryan. Ryan is your friend. Maybe you can't stay as close as you were because of what Chelsea did. But that doesn't mean your wife gets to force you to make new friends with people of low moral fibre.

OP responded:

What hurts is...Chelsea and I were close too. We had a good bond, but I just cannot see her in the same light.

Glub-Bet9895 wrote:

Your wife is awfully comfortable with her sisters cheating. I’m guessing she knew everything and covered for her.

You need to have a serious discussion with your wife.

OP responded:

I have asked her in more ways than one if did she know. She says she did not, but she was not surprised by it.

LostInNothingBox wrote:

Are you sure you wife isn't cheating on you? If they are so close and she's okay with cheating, chances are she's cheating too. It's about time you dig a bit deeper.

OP responded:

She said her loyalty is with her sister and not her ex-husband. Whatever makes her sister happy, she will support.

ZeddHester wrote:

A big part of why cheating is such a FAFO situation is due to the fallout that involves people outside of the affair having a serious issue with cheating. You're NTA at all OP and your wife and SIL simply need to deal with the fact that you're one of the ones who doesn't approve of that kind of behavior.

FWIW I'm also agreeing that your wife's claim to have not known about the affair is suspicious and while I hate to say it, I'd be clocking her inclination to sweep it all under the rug as a red flag pointing to the idea that she might not be the most resolute partner as well. Birds of a feather and all.

highwaterrs wrote:

NTA. You lost a friend in the worst way possible and are being told to like the people who hurt him. No you should put your foot down. You don't have to be nice with the people who hurt Ryan and go out with them after ruining his life. How fine your wife is with cheating is a huge red flag. Make sure you're not another Ryan.

Cause you can be a good sister and still criticize your sister. But she didn't do that , she just accepted the cheating as nothing. You mentioned she's really close with her sister too which means she approved of the cheating. Or else you would have sensed friction in the relationship between them. Also have you thought about the bad influence your SIL would have on your wife.

If you and her went through a rough patch she would encourage cheating. It's important you make sure you and your wife's morals about the topic is aligned. You have lots of stuff to address with her here and bigger problems than the trip. With all due respect to your wife's family op sounds like you guys don't share the same values. Ryan deserves better!

Sources: Reddit
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