'WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?' UPDATED 2X
"WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?"
I (M47) have a comfortable and fulfilling life. I have a job I truly enjoy, I live in a nice suburb, and and am blessed with three wonderful children (M8, F6, F4) and a lovely wife, Emily (45). I've always felt Emily and I were an ideal match.
However, a recent email I received has deeply unsettled me and planted a seed of doubt in my mind. Emily lived in the UK between 2010 and 2015, during which time she pursued a PhD. Because she lived there so long, she developed many close friendships and has made it a point to return every couple of years to maintain those ties.
This past August, she traveled to the UK for three weeks to attend the wedding of one of her close friends. After some consideration, we agreed that it would be best for me and the children to remain at home, as I could not take that much time away from work, and the children were unlikely to find much enjoyment in such an event.
Emily departed, returned as expected, and life returned to normal for us. Last week, I received an email on my work email address. It was supposedly from the wife of Emily's friend—I'll call him Jake (M44).
According to this woman, she has a very strong reason to suspect that Jake and Emily engaged in an affair. She listed off her suspicions, noting Jake had picked Emily up from the airport, spent considerable time at her hotel, and how the two of them frequently went out to dinner alone.
She even included pictures of my wife's earrings that she said she found in Jake's pockets when she was doing the laundry and pictures of a lipstick stain on his shirt. The colour is one I recognize as something Emily often wears. There is some other evidence she listed off, for the sake of conciseness I will not include them here.
All this was a lot to absorb, and for a while, I thought it was some sort of joke, so I tried my best to ignore it, but it kept coming back into my mind. I remember that before her trip, my wife would talk to all her friends there. I don't know if this email is influencing my memory, but I think she probably spoke with Jake the most.
Additionally, I know Emily never liked Jake’s wife, though I can't say why. I've never pried into Emily's phone or social media accounts before, but I feel very tempted to now. However, I know I'd feel terrible if I looked and found nothing. Also, if I start acting suspicious, wouldn't she just delete everything out of fear of being found out?
I am unsure of how to move forward and would welcome any guidance on handling this. The best I can currently come up with is asking to see her phone immediately after confronting her about it so as to not give her know time to delete anything, though part of me thinks this would upset her and potentially not even show anything.
WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?
Edit - I forgot to include, my wife no longer has these earrings. She wasn't wearing them when she returned and when I asked, she said she lost them.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
TickityTickityBoom wrote:
NTA and show your wife the email from this person and ask the question.
OP responded:
I guess I will, here's hoping it turns out to be nothing.
Contribution4afriend wrote:
NTA but you might have to understand what are the things that will probably happen (could be more):
A- Your wife might not have cheated and will be devastated when you ask.
B- She will deny and will call Jake wife to yell at her.
C- She will confess and say it was a 1 time thing.
D- She won't say anything. Deny. Not even call Jake or Jake's wife. And leave the house. No answers. Nothing. It will be limbo.
Last, I feel you should ask other friends about it and answers the email requesting if she faced Jake. Her actions will speak volumes. But mostly is you checking her cellphone. Type in the search for: I missed you; I love you; Get together; Last night was.
You have 3 steps ahead to find those texts, the time frame of each call and duration, pictures, and her other friends from UK phone numbers. Find the names your heard the most. And ask if they are aware of something between your wife and Jake from years ago and this trip. Was there really a wedding? Might be wise to see the wedding pictures.
Virtual-Instance-898 wrote:
Your first point of contact should be Jake's wife. Get the full details of her evidence and have her mail one of the earrings to you (she'll probably want to keep one as evidence on her side). Discuss with Jake's wife what she plans to do with her marriage to Jake. Ask her if she knows anything about your wife's prior trips to Europe and especially about your wife's time as a grad student there.
In particular ask Jake's wife if she has an ability to access Jake's email, phone and messaging apps. If she can, ask her to share it with you. Then coordinate with Jake's wife on when you will confront your spouses. You do not want Jake's wife to confront Jake before you confront Emily, since Jake can then warn Emily and she can clean all her email, phone, etc. accounts.
I am presuming that you have no ability to examine Emily's email, phone or messaging accounts without her approval. Once you have received the earring from Jake's wife, you can confront your wife.
Start by asking her how/where she lost the earrings. After she entangles herself in whatever story she makes up, you can produce the earring and state that since she is lying about fundamental aspects of her relationship with Jake, you would like her to open all her email, phone, and messaging accounts for you to examine.
She will vociferously object. You will tell her that either she does this or you lose all trust in her and your marriage is over. Tell her that you can forgive cheating (even if you can't), but dishonesty is unforgivable and that she needs to go full open kimono if there is to be any chance of saving the marriage.
Depending on the domestic family laws in your state you can also wave child custody issues in front of her. She'll either go ballistic and into full fortress mode or eventually let you look at her accounts after many tears are shed. At that point you'll have the information you need to make your next move.
Over a week later, OP shared an update:
A few hours after sharing my first post, I confronted Emily; she confirmed my fears. She claims she’s in love with Jake and can’t live a lie any longer. She still claims to love me and the kids but says she can’t stay with us any longer.
According to her, she was waiting for a "better time" to tell me and the children. Apparently, this has been going on since March, with Jake flying out here occasionally and Emily secretly meeting him.
We’re getting divorced. Emily is moving to the UK soon. She confirmed that in August, in addition to the wedding, she attended a job interview, and she’s set to start around the new year. She’s already applied for a British Visa. She plans to live with Jake once she moves.
As for custody, Emily is voluntarily surrendering her chance of full custody. She doesn’t want to uproot the kids, so they’ll stay here in Canada with me. There’s a part of me that appreciates that decision, but there’s also the part that is astonished at how easily she’s walking away.
She wants to pay child support, but I’d rather raise my children without her financial influence. That said, the court will likely insist on support, regardless of my feelings. Emily is also seeking structured visitation rights, which, given the circumstances, will likely be granted.
Based on what I’ve been told, the court generally leans toward arrangements that allow both parents to maintain relationships with the children, even when one is relocating to a different country.
The lawyers are still working out the details, but it seems she’ll have visitation during school breaks and holidays, with the possibility of virtual calls in between. I’ve been keeping things as amicable as possible, and the more cooperative I am, the more Emily seems to agree with my demands.
We are also discussing the future of our home. Emily has expressed a desire to sell the property and divide the proceeds. While I am reluctant to part with the family home, it is unlikely I have much of a choice since it was bought during our marriage.
For now, our lawyers are still working through the details, and no final decisions have been made. Given the situation, it could be a good while before we reach a resolution. In the meantime, I’ve been advised not to make any major financial moves.
As much as I want to stay here with the children, I know selling is most likely inevitable. As of this writing, Emily is in an airbnb and Jake has flown here to stay with her. They plan on travelling to the UK at some point in the near future.
My lawyer tells me that adultery isn't grounds for special treatment when it comes to custody or property division. Therefore, it won’t influence how assets are divided unless marital funds are directly involved. Emily likely used money from her personal account. Unless it can be proven she used our joint finances to fund the affair, it’s unlikely this will make any difference in court.
I have been in regular communication with Jake’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Eleanor, primarily through email, and more recently, we’ve spoken over the phone a few times. Eleanor apologized, saying she felt guilty for telling me about the affair and worried that if she hadn’t, maybe my marriage could have been salvaged.
I reassured her that, for me, the gravity of the situation made divorce inevitable, and I'd rather not remain in the dark about something of this significance. She even sent me messages and other evidence of their relationship, but since Emily is openly admitting to the affair, it doesn't really matter in the context of the law.
Eleanor has also told me a lot about Jake—apparently, this is the third time he’s cheated on her, and she’s had enough. There’s no chance of reconciliation this time, she says, and he doesn’t seem interested in trying. She mentioned that Jake has zero desire to raise children who are not biologically his, which explains why Emily’s not fighting for custody.
Eleanor's divorce will most likely be much longer and more drawn out than mine given that both her and Jake want full custody of their children, and can't agree on several other issues.
I haven’t had much time to process everything. These past two weeks have felt like a blur in every way. But one thing I can say with certainty is that I have nothing left for Emily. Not because she betrayed our marriage, but because of how easily she's walking away from our children. I never thought I could hate someone I once loved so much, it's a strange feeling.
The hardest part in all of this is the children. My two youngest daughters have started asking why their mother isn’t around as much anymore, and it’s been very difficult trying to communicate with them about the nature of the situation. My eldest seems to understand a little more and, as a result, he has become quiet and withdrawn.
I'm fortunate to have a family that has been incredibly supportive so far. My children have received numerous thoughtful letters from some of their cousins, which I've been reading to them each night. All my siblings have also sent gifts for the kids, and one of my brothers, along with his wife, drove up to visit over the past weekend.
My sister-in-law even prepared plenty of food, some of which is still in the freezer. They also kept the children entertained while I met with my lawyer. My other siblings have also offered to come by and look after the kids whenever I need them.
Beyond that, my parents have been calling daily to check in on us, and my 78-year-old mother has already made plans to stay with us for two weeks in November to help around the house. The collective effort of my family has made this experience much more bearable, and I’m deeply grateful for all their support.
To everyone who encouraged me to speak with Emily after my last post, I’m grateful. I was tempted to ignore Eleanor’s message, but it kept gnawing at me. Your advice gave me the courage to act. Emily has shown herself to be a liar, and I have no doubt that her idea of a 'better time' was simply when it would cause the least inconvenience for her and Jake.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
TaiwanBandit wrote:
So sorry for the outcome here OP. I had not expected her to just drop the marriage and take off with Jake, a known cheater. Can't imagine that relationship will last long. And your wife walking away from her kids to be with him is beyond the pale.
Continue to listen to your lawyers, be amicable to get the best settlement, and take care of your kids. Good you have a supporting family. Thanks for the update. I wish you and your kids well.
rocketmn69_ wrote:
Take her support payments and put it into accounts for the kids. Keep investing it for them and give it to them when they are 30. Hopefully they will be in a good place where the money will really help them.
thaigoodlife wrote:
She is in the affair fog. There's a 90% chance that within the next few years, she'll realize what a mistake she has made, especially regarding the children. Plus, if he's a serial cheater, he'll cheat on her when the new relationship excitement wears off. You can almost set your watch by these kinds of cheaters. Don't ever take her back.
theworldisonfire87 wrote:
"Well kids, Mommy decided that a new dong is more important to her than you kids are."
Get them into therapy, at the very least.
About a month later OP came back with this update/venting:
Think of this less as an update and more as a chance to vent a few things now that I’ve had more time to process my situation. I know that Emily often travelled back and forth to the UK during our marriage. She claims her affair with Jake only began in March 2024, but I’m convinced she’s lying.
It’s almost certain that this has been going on for years. Given how much she had already prepared by the time I confronted her, it’s become clear to me and everyone else that she had been planning this for some time.
In fact, within a few short days of our confrontation, she already had certain legal documents prepared. Additionally, Jake arriving in Canada shortly after I confronted Emily, made it clear that they had planned for her to tell me roughly around this date in advance.
It makes sense that Emily was well prepared and was just waiting for things to be better lined up for herself. After all, she’d long since applied for her visa, secured a job, secretly appraised her car (our family car, though it was under her name), and sent personal items with Jake to the UK during his secret visits, all right under my oblivious nose.
I have a feeling I’m only scratching the surface and have no real idea of how far this actually goes, not that Emily would ever tell me its depth. In addition to all of this, Emily had already been in touch with her lawyer long before I confronted her.
Taking all this into account, it’s hard not to wonder if she secured her job even earlier than she let on, perhaps to make her actions seem less calculated. Two of Emily’s friends have since reached out to express shock and disappointment by her actions.
One of them, Janet, mentioned that according to another friend, Emily had been consulting her divorce lawyer as far back as late August or early September, and this other friend also confirmed my suspicion that Emily had been sending some of her belongings to the UK during Jake’s visits.
I’ve been losing sleep, replaying the past few months in my mind, maybe driving myself a little crazy, but certain things stand out. For example, when Emily went to the UK in August for the wedding, she was carrying three fully loaded suitcases.
She told me that they were filled with presents for her friends and I didn't question it, even though it seemed a bit excessive at the time. When I picked her up from the airport after her trip, I noticed the bags were suspiciously light.
I can assume that in addition to the job interview she claimed to attend, she transported a bunch of her personal items to the UK which would explain why since her return, she seemed to have been wearing a smaller selection of her clothing.
Despite this, I was somehow blindsided, and I completely blame myself. Looking back, I can see there were signs I ignored, and I guess I didn't think Emily was capable of this sort of thing. A part of me wonders if this outcome could have been avoided entirely had I been more assertive and vigilant in the past.
The worst part of all is that my children are now dealing with the consequences of my ignorance and stupidity. While I twiddled my thumbs, my wife had essentially started a new life.
Most people in my life now know about my separation from Emily. I’ve stopped wearing my wedding band, and I’ve explained the situation to friends and colleagues who noticed its absence. One of my close friends, and many others who reached out privately, have suggested I get DNA tests for the children, given Emily’s travel patterns and tendency to lie.
While I understand where they are coming from, this is something I'll never do. I'd never assign my children to another man. Nothing will change that.
Life without Emily has thus far been difficult. Mornings have become a hectic rush; between getting the kids ready and getting myself out the door, I’m barely on time for work for nearly half the week.
It’s frankly exhausting trying to keep up with all the extra parenting duties I have to perform throughout the day. Our current home has a large driveway, so on top of everything else, I’m already dreading the task of shovelling it once the snow starts falling.
The kids are feeling the strain, as well. They don't particularly like the food I prepare most days and they hate how I’m always busy. It's incredibly frustrating to know that while we’re here struggling, Emily recently departed for a relaxing vacation through Europe with Jake.
Communication between us has dwindled, and I only learned of these developments recently. I have no idea if she plans to return to Canada after her vacation or settle directly into what will likely be a very comfortable life in the UK.
On a more positive note, I was able to get the kids to see their doctor recently. She gave me a bunch of useful resources and advice. She placed an emphasis on how time and clear communication were the most important factors for their adjustment.
While I’m optimistic, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. It’s still early, I know, but they remain quite upset about the entire ordeal and act out regularly as a result. It is abundantly clear that they’re having a hard time adjusting to our new reality.
Throughout all of this, my family has been a tremendous support. My mother arrived as promised early last week, and things have already become significantly easier. The kids enjoy her cooking and spending time with her. Her presence has also freed me to handle other tasks.
Whenever the divorce is finalized, I plan to designate my eldest brother and sister-in-law as legal guardians for the children. They live relatively nearby and have already agreed to take on that role if needed, which brings me some peace of mind.
However, I highly doubt this will be any time soon given my much busier schedule and Emily dragging her feet before travelling, the whole process has slowed to a snail's pace.
One of the hardest aspects of all this has been making decisions about our family home. After considerable thought and speaking it over many times with my family, I'm leaning towards selling at this stage. Emily has already offered me a bit more than half of the proceeds since she sold our SUV right before leaving the country.
My lawyer has noted that selling the SUV before we finalized anything was premature on her part, considering I contributed significantly (40%) to the purchase. He thinks I have strong grounds to seek reimbursement elsewhere in our asset division, which aligns with Emily offering more of the house.
Getting more than half seems fair, given that I contributed about 65–70% of the down payment and monthly mortgage payments.
As I mentioned above, the family SUV was registered in only her name. However, I covered about 40% of its cost, so it’s frustrating she sold it unilaterally. As I've learned over the past several weeks, my sedan is too snug for the kids and inconvenient for my mother to duck in and out of when she runs errands.
Therefore, I’ll need to trade it for something larger. In return, Emily has 'graciously' insisted I keep the furniture and appliances, least she can do, I suppose.
As much as part of me would like to stay in our current home, it’s probably better for us to move. Part of me hopes this will help us avoid future interference from Emily, though, in reality, she’s just as likely to interfere no matter where we are. I’ve been looking at townhouses closer to my place of work, which would cut down my commute and place us near a well-rated school.
However, my sisters brought up that moving the kids now would mean changing schools and losing their friends, which would be yet another big change for them. An alternative option is that we move to a smaller, more manageable house close to our current one.
This would reduce my workload and allow the kids to stay at the same school. Regardless of which option we choose, the idea of a new home without Emily’s memory is appealing.
Our current home's location is yet another example of how foolish and short-sighted I've been. Its location was much more convenient for Emily's commute compared to my own. It worked out for a time as the children's school was close to Emily's work in case they needed her during the day, but now all of this is useless as my place of work is rather far.
I’ve heard nothing from Emily’s family, and frankly, I have no interest in reaching out. As for Emily’s future with Jake, I don’t wish her relationship to fail; the longer her life is stable, the less likely she’ll disrupt ours. But I take solace in knowing she remains unaware of Jake’s infidelity history. I don’t feel any moral obligation to warn her about Jake's character, and Eleanor feels the same way.
I’ve made a point to check in on Eleanor regularly. She doesn’t have the same family support I do. Her immediate family is charmed by Jake’s ample wealth and believes that she should do whatever it takes to keep him, even though it is clear that neither he nor Eleanor wants reconciliation.
Here's what people had to say after the second update:
Long view: Emily is absolutely setting herself up for a massive fail. She will miss her kids and they will hate her. She will try really hard in ten years to reconnect with them and she will fail.
She will then tell you maybe this was all a big mistake. When that day comes I truly believe you will be able to smile at her and say, "actually, that was the best day of my life!" THAT is the day you win. F&^% EMILY
I think Emily is that special brand of selfish that allows her to abandon her children and yet still feel entitled to be honored as a mother. I have one of those mothers and this feels all too familiar.
Frankly, what a stupid woman. Im sure her relationship will last with the serial cheater. Or maybe shes the one that will cheat again 🤔 /s
In the long run, your kids will be better off not having the influence of such a person. In the short term though, they will probably suffer. Hopefully, once theyre a bit older, they will firmly grasp with conviction that none of this was their fault and they were simply unfortunate to be birthed by her.
Helpful_Listen_1765 OP replied:
The more I speak with Eleanor, the more I think this guy will eventually cheat on Emily. He doesn't strike me as the kind of man who would be satisfied with only one woman. Should that happen, hopefully, they can work it out, and she decides to stay with him.
I just read all 3 of your posts and apart from your wife being a truly unlikeable person, one thing REALLY stood out. Her AP doesn’t want to have anything to do with your children because they are not his and your wife has agreed to you having custody with her having very limited visitation of HER OWN biological children.
BUT. He is fighting for FULL CUSTODY of his own children.
He expects your wife to be ok with leaving her children but wants to have his own children live with them full time.
I already know that you and your children are better off without someone who will put another man before her own husband and children. But to actually support someone who is trying to take his children away from their mother when HE is responsible for ending their relationship makes her just as morally bankrupt as he is.
Yes, I’m still in shock at how easily she can just walk away. As one of my sisters-in-law put it, "She’s off on her broomstick to fulfill her dreams of being some poor children’s wicked stepmother."
A small consolation is that Eleanor’s children, being a bit older than mine (11 to 14), will likely do their utmost to make Emily’s life difficult.