'AITA for telling my wife that I don’t want to be with her if she wants to open our marriage?'
"AITA for telling my wife that I don’t want to be with her if she wants to open our marriage?"
To start I (M33) have been with my wife (F29) for almost 6 years. I have a good job, don’t drink/party, am home every single night after work and don’t go out on weekends. I cook dinners, help with the kids and do absolutely anything I can to help make her life easier and make her happy. I should also include that I absolutely hate arguing and am extremely passive.
She was married once before and has younger children from her previous marriage. When we first met she would constantly talk about how mean and terrible her ex was (in every way) and how she was so incredibly happy to have met someone like me. While she has a lot of insecurities from past trauma I’ve made an effort to spent our entire relationship building up her confidence and self esteem.
I constantly tell her how beautiful and great she is (even if she treated me poorly in the moment). Fast forward about two years into our relationship and now she is feeling much more confident (and incredibly beautiful). With that she has spent the last three years on ups and downs of being incredibly nice to me, then treating me poorly and telling me that I need to change x, y, and z in order to meet her needs. She asked me to go to therapy which I am completely on board with and support.
I went to therapy for a bit but couldn’t afford to keep going due to costs. I make an extremely strong effort to learn how to talk and handle situations but it is never good enough for her and she constantly says that I will never meet her needs as a partner. I am incredibly confused by this because in the beginning she was the one pushing for me to marry her (against my previous thoughts on marriage). Her love feels conditional and I feel as though I am constantly walking on eggshells trying to make her happy even though I don’t feel she ever will be.
The few weeks ago we got into a pretty heated argument and she discussed wanting to open our marriage so her needs could be met since I can’t do that for her. I explained to her that I wasn’t into this or continuing our relationship and she would have to explore on her own. She responded by telling me that I was being controlling (something I am completely against and have never done in any aspect) for not giving her the option to do this within our marriage since she doesn’t know what she wants.
With that being said I felt as though I am being supportive in doing what I can to help her be happy in life, with or without me. I don’t know how normal it is for a partner to start daily arguments or be unhappy with their partner in the way she feels with me. Am I the odd one out and AITA for not wanting to be a part of this, especially after all of the hurtful things she has said over the years? Feel free to ask me anything and I am more than happy to elaborate.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
CarpeCyprinidae said:
It isn't "being controlling" to say "no adultery" within marriage. When she pushed you to marry her she pushed for a relationship which the state and society defines as strictly monogamous. She wants out. Permit her the exit she needs. There is no need to discuss it with her.
JustAGuy401 said:
NTA. You having boundaries withing your mariage, and being clear about them is not the same as you being controlling. In what way does she feel like her needs are not being met, if the doesn't even know what she wants?
superflex said:
NTA. The theme I'm picking up on from your entire post is that every time there is a problem, challenge, or disagreement, her position is that you are the problem and you need to make changes. TBH she sounds entitled and manipulative. Not a partner, but a user. If she wants to be with other people, she can do it on her own as a single woman.
YourPervertedDaddy said:
Opening a marriage is to modify the existing contract. Both parties have to agree to modify an existing contract that both parties agreed to. There is nothing wrong with not agreeing to new terms or conditions in a contract that you do not like. The fact that she even wants an open marriage almost always means that she is already cheating, and you should end the marriage ASAP.
josephinebrown21 said:
NTA. Her love feels conditional and I feel as though I am constantly walking on eggshells trying to make her happy even though I don’t feel she ever will be. Your wife sounds like a narcissist, and doing therapy will not solve the issue. She wants to open the marriage. Try to see if at-fault divorce is an option, or if an annulment is. Please contact a family law attorney.
Shdfx1 said:
NTA. You should divorce her for suggesting this. She wants to sleep with other men badly enough that she tried to get you to agree to it. Break up with someone who makes you walk on eggshells for years. This is not a healthy relationship. Set her free.
Alarmed_Lynx_7148 said:
NTA. Looks like you’ve been the bear husband a wife could ask for and now that her confidence has reached pretty high, she’s starting to snub the relationship she has with you. Probably feeling that she’s out of your league. I think it’s time for a reality check. Let her know if she opens the marriage or steps out, you will divorce her. Simple as that. You got into a monogamous relationship with her and hence the marriage, if she changes that, then the marriage is over