'AITA for not telling my wife that our baby passed away because of me?' UPDATED 3X

"AITAH for not telling my wife that our baby d-ed because of me?"

I (M25) and my wife (F24) had our daughter Angela last year in November, we met at university, we dated for 2 years and got married after graduating, it's our first marriage and we are very in love.

My wife, who we will call Kim, got pregnant during our honeymoon and we were both very excited, my parents are out of the picture and Kim only grew up with her dad, we both knew that we wanted to have children and give them the best life we could.

Kim's pregnancy was normal, it was our first child, the baby was born healthy and beautiful, she was perfect, chubby legs and round face, I never thought that one day I could love a woman more than I love Kim, but my daughter stole my heart completely.

Everything was perfect but we were very nervous, since we didn't know anything about babies, Kim's father constantly called us and also gave me advice, my grandmother also taught us how to change her correctly and feed her, we were blessed with a lot of help Kim's family came from their home country to meet our daughter for Christmas, they were going to stay until the new year.

But on December 28th Kim's father had a heart attack and was taken to the emergency room, we went to the hospital and my father-in-law had to remain under observation since his condition was serious (to give you an idea, he might not wake up again). I told my wife that I would stay with her, but Kim asked me to go with Angela home, whatever had to happen, would happen in the next 24 hours.

She didn't want to leave her father's side but she didn't wanted leave the baby at the hospital all night, we agreed that I would stay at home with Angela and she would stay at home with her father and her relatives at the hospital. The next 24 hours passed and my father-in-law began to improve, so the stay was extended to 48 hours, after 72.

Kim came to get some clothes and see our daughter and she returned to the hospital. Due to her concern I had not slept in those two days, so after giving her bottle to my daughter I put her to sleep and I myself fell asleep. When I woke up it was almost night, Angela was still asleep so I decided to have a coffee and watch television, after two hours I decided to check on her and she seemed asleep.

However, my heart stopped when I realized that she had vomited and when I picked her up she was cold. and I wasn't breathing I panicked, I shook her, I patted her on the back, I just desperately wanted her to breathe again, I called an ambulance begging for help, the operator gave me instructions to do CPR, when the doctors arrived we immediately went to the hospital.

I called to Kim and between my mess of tears and hyperventilation I tried to tell her what was happening, when we arrived she was already there. Kim cried and screamed at the doctors begging to save her, I did too, they did everything they could for about an hour, but in the end there was nothing to do, my baby passed at only a month old.

They explained to us that Angela had vomited while she was sleeping and choked on her own vomit. She tried to calm us down by explaining that this can happen and that it wasn't our fault. Kim and I are a mess, I haven't told her that I fell asleep while my daughter was choking, I want to end all of this, I can't continue with this.

I miss her, I want to hear her crying, having her in my arms, I want to change her diapers, change her clothes, I want to hug her with all my strength, I want to see her, I miss her so much, I hate myself so much, it should be me and not her, it's my fault, I want all this pain It's over, I want to end everything.

The internet had a lot to say about this tragic situation.

Sweet-Fancy-Moses23 wrote:

Reading the last paragraph was gut wrenching. Nothing can be more devastating than the death of a child.You are not guilty.You did all you could to try to save your child.

Both of you need therapy to get over this tragedy.You both need to be there for each other.

Stoked4breakfast wrote:

NTA. I’m a doctor. This does happen, not just to children but also to old adults who aren’t able to adequately manage their own secretions, etc. See a therapist and a psychiatrist (both is better than just one) and you’ll get through it. You’re NTA. At all. Sometimes bad things happen. It’s sucks.

MerryMoose923 wrote:

NAH. Please, please get grief counseling. This is not your fault. Even if you and your wife weren't dealing with a family emergency, and even if you weren't exhausted, your darling baby could have passed in exactly the same way during the night, or a nap.

Even the doctor told you that it wasn't your fault. Like any other parent, you feel responsible for what happened. That's natural. So please get therapy. If not for yourself, think of your wife. How would she cope with losing both you and your daughter? Also, encourage your wife to get therapy. She's hurting as much as you are.

Motherofdoggos4 wrote:

OP you didn't unalive your baby. Reflux is really common with infants, and it's a toss-up if you're awake the first time it happens. Look--my son died at 9 wks old because of a genetic mutation that ultimately caused his heart to fail.

He almost died at 5 wks from reflux and I almost didn't catch it because he was choking and couldn't cry out to me. If I hadn't been 3 ft from him and wondered what that weird clicking noise was, he would've died right then. He was purple by the time I leaped up and picked him up, it happened so fast.

When he died at 9 wks we were surprised to find several cemeteries had sections for children--because babies pass that often still. He has over a hundred little peers in there, and the cemetery we chose wasn't even in a hugely populated town. This stuff happens. And now 10 yrs later I'm trying for kids again (this time with a much healthier marriage, my ex really sucked).

And they're testing me to see if my son wasn't a fluke mutation, if he actually got it from me since I do have a similar condition. And I'm having to grapple with this again, after I'd made peace with my grief and accepted that I didn't k-ll my baby by giving him lethal genes.

And OF COURSE the results are taking weeks longer to come back than they should because why wouldn't we drag out this suspense 😮‍💨 So....welcome to the dead child club, where the only benefit of membership is knowing you're not alone. Life is so fragile. We always seem to forget that until it's our turn to lose someone.

You're looking for someone to blame but in this case there isn't any. Wish me luck when my results come back...if I do have the mutation that k--led my son ima be right back in that grief again. Life is cruel sometimes. So....welcome to the d-ad child club, where the only benefit of membership is knowing you're not alone.

Life is so fragile. We always seem to forget that until it's our turn to lose someone. You're looking for someone to blame but in this case there isn't any. With me luck when my results come back...if I do have the mutation that killed my son ima be right back in that grief again. Life is cruel sometimes.

Four days later, OP's wife made an entirely separate post.

AITAH because my family is broken since my baby died and I don't know how to fix it?

It's not easy for me to talk about this, it happened very recently and I don't like talking about my problems with strangers either, but right now I(F24) feel alone and lost because I can't talk to anyone. This is the situation...as the title says, my baby passed recently and my family is broken. This happened on New Years while my husband (M25) was taking care of her.

My family (my father M66, my aunt F57 and my two cousins F28 M30) had come to visit my husband and I to meet our newborn daughter for Christmas, I told my father that we could go ourselves halfway through this year (2024), since due to his delicate health I was worried about him making such a long trip, but he insisted because he wanted to meet his granddaughter.

For a few days everything was fine, my dad loved my daughter very much, he kept saying that she was just like me when I was born, I was able to see my cousins and my aunt again (she was the closest thing I've ever had to a mother) Everything was fine until my dad started feeling bad a few days after Christmas dinner, in a moment he just collapsed due to severe chest pain.

It didn't take us long to understand that it was because of his heart, so we took him to the emergency room where he stayed for at least 3 days. During all that time, my husband stayed at home with my daughter, because I did not want to leave my father, since his condition was serious at first. When he started to get better I went back to my house to see how my daughter was doing.

I felt calm when I saw that my husband was taking good care of her on his own, however I asked him if he needed me to stay with him, he told me to be calm, that he would take care of everything and that I focused on accompanying my dad, my husband knows how important my father is to me so I was grateful to have a man like him supporting me.

I returned calmly to the hospital, but a few hours later my husband called me crying, it took him a while to calm down enough to tell me that my baby was dying, he had drowned. I remember very little what happened after that call, at one point my husband had already arrived at the hospital with my daughter but they were unable to save her.

Before you think it was negligence, no, my husband did not neglect her, the doctor explained to us that the baby passed of SIDS, she choked on her own vomit while she was sleeping, my husband could not have prevented it unless he had been watching her non-stop. 24 hours a day, so no, it wasn't his fault.

My daughter's body was cremated as my culture dictates, and her ashes are now in my house, in her room. The most difficult thing was to tell my father, he woke up from his comatose state on January 1st, but I couldn't go see him until the next day, prudently, my father had not been told anything about what happened.

I tried to put good face until my father asked to see my daughter, I tried to excuse myself, but eventually he had to find out only a couple of days later, I wish he hadn't told me since it caused him to relapse and this time It has taken him a long time to recover.

During the entire month of January my cousins returned home but father stayed with me at my house along with my aunt to help me take care of him, my husband practically stopped doing anything.

I focused all my energy on taking care of my father and maintaining the house in order, it was a longer and more difficult time for everyone. My father was finally able to return to his house on January 30, and since then it's just my husband and I.

He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep well, he can't work (he works from home) he doesn't want to talk to anyone, not even me. My family has tried to talk to me but I don't want to talk either, I just ask for updates on my father, I don't let them ask me about anything else.

For my part I'm back to work and I'm thinking about taking extra hours since I spent part of my savings on hospital bills, but I really want to get away from my house, I feel like I'm suffocating there, I can't get into the my baby's room without crying, my husband, for his part, spends most of his day there.

I don't know what to do, I cry to my baby every night, I cry into his clothes, his stuffed animals, his blankets, until I fall asleep, now I'm eating twice as much, I devour the portions that my husband doesn't want and I keep asking for more. The house is a disaster, I feel like we are both passing away and we are doing nothing to prevent it.

Commenters were quick to respond.

Leader_Inside wrote:

https://www.rareddit.com/1amx6kb

I think you need to read this…it sounds like your husband posted it a few days ago. It was deleted but I found the post on here. I’m so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I’m 34 weeks pregnant with a baby girl right now.

I read the other post shortly after it was posted and haven’t stopped thinking about your family. Please consider getting professional help for yourself and your husband if you can get him to agree. If you ever want to scream into a void who will just listen, please feel free to DM me. I’m praying for peace and healing for your family. And again, I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA.

The wife responded:

My God, it's him. I have to talk with him.

Big_Fly_1561 wrote:

I’m so sorry I can even be able to imagine the pain and heart break. Just take it one hour at a time, one day at a time. Anytime you can do something for yourself do it, but the main thing is to focus on working through the grief, when you are ready to talk I would suggest you and your husband do both individual counseling and marriage counseling.

A loss like is is incredibly hard on both of you individually and as a couple. Try not to loose your husband or yourself. This wasn’t anyone’s fault and I hope in time you and your husband can work through the grief and pain and find joy in life once more, my heart goes out to you. The fact that your even here expressing this story shows how strong you are.

The wife responded:

Thank you very much, I don't want to lose my marriage, we haven't talked about divorce (actually we haven't talked at all) I know we need therapy, thank you for your words.

Two months later, the husband made an update post.

Hello AITAH, I came here a few months ago to vent about the loss of my daughter. To be honest, I didn't see the post until a week later and I saw that my account was suspended, it's not important since it was just a discard account, so I opened another one just to let you know that I have read all your comments, Kim and I are not fine, however we are in the process of being fine.

Kim is also active online and saw my post, we talked a lot, we cried, and I have to say I'm glad she saw it. Since Angela is not with us I have spent most of the time in her room and Kim returned to work very quickly since she no longer needed maternity leave, but our therapist gave us a lot of advice on how to deal with grief.

I have been diagnosed with depression and I'm working on it with the help of Kim, she's also in therapy, we support each other in every way we can. My father-in-law is as well as can be, he recovered, but he hasn't been well since we told him about Angela.

Kim calls him practically every day, she can't do much more since he lives in another country and it's already difficult enough for ourselves. Right now we are looking to sell our house and move to a smaller place, we bought the house thinking about having a big family, but we are going to postpone that for the moment.

No matter how broken I am inside, my wife is my priority right now so I have to prioritize my marriage. I will not update again, I wanted to assure all the noble souls who supported us that we are still here and we appreciate your words and support, you are all wonderful people. God bless you.

The internet was really glad to hear from OP again.

mensblod wrote:

I’m not sure if there is any comfort in this truth, but your story could have been any of us. You didn’t care any less, or any worse, about your sweet Angela than any of us with babies.

It’s really hard to accept that the world is deeply unfair and we are at the mercy of coincidence every single day that we get to spend another with those we love. It’s almost a scarier thought than believing we could have done something to prevent it.

Angela was so lucky to have you as her parent. To be cared about this deeply by two people is something too few are born into. I hope you can one day feel deeply that you are a wonderful parent, Angela was privileged to be in your care, and you were struck by a freak tragedy, as if she was hit by lightning on a walk.

Jenderflux-ScFi wrote:

I'm so glad that you two are turning towards each other to heal together, and be a stronger couple together. So many couples fall apart after the loss of a child. Moving would probably help with not having to be in the house it happened in. Get a fresh start in a new town, it'll be good for your mental health to not be near where it happened. Gentle comforting hugs for the both of you 🫂

waste-dragonfly-3245 wrote:

Best of luck to you and your wife and once again so sorry for your loss.

minecraftvillagersk wrote:

OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. None of it is your fault. I'm glad you and your wife are in therapy. I wish you and your family healing and hopefully one day in the future when you look back on Angela's life, you will be able to do so with more happiness than pain.

A few months later, OP's wife jumped on with another post.

I need help because I'm quite nervous about what to do. In November 2023 I had my baby, but sadly she passed away on December 30 of that same year, due to SIDS she vomited while she was sleeping, my husband was at home with her at that time.

I was not at home due to a family emergency, my husband and I suffered a lot from this, especially my husband, he kept blaming himself even though it was not his fault (Neither I nor anyone else has blamed him) I myself am dealing with my own feelings of guilt.

It has been a difficult and painful process to deal with grief, it was very difficult for me to have to recover from childbirth knowing that my daughter was no longer with me, my husband continues to deal with depression, it has been a struggle but we are been a mutual support through all this time.

He and I moved from our house to an apartment, we haven't sold the house. Last month, July 1st was my birthday and we went on a trip that we planned last year but had been postponed due to the pregnancy and after, the accident, we thought it would be good for us to change our routine, so I took a week off from work and we traveled to the beach.

We had mixed feelings about this trip, but it helped us a lot, my husband for a long time just stayed at home while I went back to work to distract myself from everything, but then he went back to working remotely and after the vacation he told me that you feel ready to start working outside the home again. Sorry for all this wall of text, I thought it was good to give a summary of how things have been.

Now, the reason why I am here, two days ago I discovered that I'm pregnant, since my period was late and I only took the test to rule it out and I did´n expect it to come out positive, yesterday I missed work and went to my gynecologist, I have about 4 weeks I haven't told my husband, because I myself don't even know how I feel, I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad and then excited.

But more than anything I'm scared, and I don't even know how my husband will take it, when what happened from my daughter he also came online and posted how he felt and I was very scared when I saw that he confessed that he wanted to die, recently we are finding some normality within the pain.

In that moment, the people in the comments were very kind and understanding to him, and I am looking for the same help, I need to know how to approach this with him, abortion is definitely not an option, there is no way I'll lose another child so please don't go suggesting that to me that, I am seeking your advice at this time.

The comments kept coming.

archivef-ck wrote:

I remember your husband’s post, and I think you made one as well? If I am not mistaken. I don’t have any advice for you and I’m so sorry for that. You both have been through something horrendous and painful. I hope this new child will bring you so much joy and so much peace.

CyberArwen1980 wrote:

I read your husband's post i'm really sorry for your loss. I think you should tell him asap,don't hide this from him any longer. And if you are both in therapy talk about it there. Who knows if this can be a new chapter in your life,your baby girl will be there all the time with both of you. Maybe one day you'll find the peace you need and deserve,but please tell him. Pray for you both.❤

Beginning-Stop7646 wrote:

First off sorry for your loss. 2nd, Why do you think ppl would want you to abort? Why do you think your husband wouldn't be happy about this pregnancy? I highly recommend you two go to therapy bc it's obvious you guys are still grieving. OP, please take care of yourself and don't feel like this pregnancy isn't a blessing bc it is. Please tell your husband asap before you cause yourself more stress.

DentdeLion_ wrote:

I think I've read your story yesterday. Was your first baby named Angela? Anyway, I'm so sorry for the loss of your first child and any feelings you may have regarding this pregnancy is completely valid. I wish you all the best 🦋 If you need to vent or talk, my DMs are open.

OP responded:

It wasn't her real name, but that's what my husband called her in his publication. You are very sweet, I appreciate it very much 💖💖💖