'AITA for telling my parents that I'll only support them if they move back to their home country?'

"AITA for telling my parents that I will only support them if they move back to their home country."

My parents moved to North America from a developing country when I was four. My siblings were two and six months. My dad worked hard to make a life for us and my mom worked hard making sure we didn't waste the opportunities they were providing for us.

They also sent money home to help my grandparents. Sometimes to the detriment of our family here. My sisters and I are are all married with families now. My parents are getting ready to retire and they want us to supply them the way they supported our grandparents.

The problem is that we cannot afford to pay for everything here. Even with my parents' savings and my dad's pension they cannot maintain the lifestyle they have while my dad works. However with their money and ours combined they can live like gods back home. We could sell their house, use that money to buy them a villa in a gated community. They could fly back to see us all the time.

They could literally live in the top 1% there instead of scraping by here.

The only problem is the grandkids. They want to see them all the time. They think that my sisters and I are exiling them. We are offering them a chance to have great lives in a country with no snow.

Where food costs are 1/4 to 1/6 those here. Where the health care is actually rated higher than here. We are looking at the next twenty years. When everything is said and done I offered them the exact same amount they sent their folks. It will buy their groceries every month and that's it. They think I'm being stingy and mean.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Varlane wrote:

If they worked all their life, they should have put aside enough to live once retired.

This whole ordeal of needing to pay for your parents' retirement is BS. NTA.

OP responded:

They sent a lot of money back home.

Mollywhoppered wrote:

NTA. They should have invested all that money they sent back home to make sure they were secure in their future, and you should do the same with any money you’d give them. This whole cycle is WHY they need someone to fund their retirement in the first place.

deefop wrote:

Definitely NTA. I try not to judge other cultures from a place of ignorance, but the idea of future generations supporting previous generations is basically a ponzi scheme. It's such a bad way to build a society. Your parents are being stubborn; they want to have their cake and eat it too. They didn't support your grandparents living in the states, they supported them living in your home country.

You're being generous by offering to do the same. I will never be able to afford the retirement I want, either. Because my ideal retirement would mean a beautiful house in the Carribean, a yacht to get drunk on, and a membership at the nicest golf course nearby. Probably ain't gonna happen, but I'm sure as hell not going to make that anyone else's problem.

Yoongbi_SB_shop wrote:

Your grandparents didn’t have the luxury of being near you and your sisters during your childhood. Your parents did not pay to bring them here and support them here. Why should they expect any different?

Original-Winter-5334 wrote:

ESH. You can't tell them where to live, it's understandable that they would want to see their grandchildren, and whilst quality of life is important, it's not the only thing. You could live in a mansion with all the money and comfort in the world, but still be lonely and unhappy. But they are of course in the wrong too.

You are offering to support them with what you can, and they should adjust their expectations to fit in with their financial situation. If they wanted to live like kings where they are, they should have planned for it instead of assuming they could rely on you. What happens if you get sick and can't work? They have to be sensible, and you are right to not want to detriment your family.

Itchy_Appeal_9020 wrote:

NTA. They immigrated to a place with different values than their home country and chose to raise their children in the culture of the new country. It’s not unreasonable that you want to live out the values of the place that you were raised in.

I think it’s very generous that you’re willing to support your parents financially at all. That is not the norm in your parents’ adopted country. You’re not being stingy, you’re following the norms and traditions of your culture by prioritizing your children’s welfare over that of your parents.

Fun_Two_6638 wrote:

NTA. I'm in the same boat. My parents spent their lives doing for their parents, and many times we were left without. They're guiltily me now, as I their oldest son. In your instance tho, it's all in the presentation.

Tell them how much you and your siblings would like to have the opportunity to vacation in the old country but how, between the travel and accommodations is something you can't do as often as you'd like.

Make a plan to spend certain holidays visiting them, and for them to spend some time visiting you and your siblings. You're not exiling, you're expanding.

KBD_in_PDX wrote:

NTA you're not forcing their hand in anyway. They're asking for a handout, and you're setting proper expectations for what you can provide, and options to make that go further. If your parents refuse to move, you'll offer the money you can, but it won't go as far as they need. They'll need to decide what to do when they can no longer afford to live where they're living.

You need to decide for yourself what that amount is, and let them decide on their end what they do with it. Don't put conditions on it, but make it clear that this is the extent of financial assistance you can provide. There will be no additional money offered later on, as elder support is a long game.