'AITA for telling people I'm not having fun when they ask and I'm genuinely not?'
"AITA for telling people I'm not having fun when they ask and I'm genuinely not?"
This one is general. I am a guy who, when I don't enjoy something, I'll tell you I don't, but if I commit to something, I'll see it through to the end without complaining. This comes to a head where I was on vacation with my older brother in Arizona, who wanted to do a lot of nature hikes.
Nature hikes are fine. I don't mind them, but I do dislike walking up large hills. Walking downhill is the easiest thing ever, it's like being nature's passenger princess. You just put your foot forward and let gravity do all the work.
Walking uphill conversely is very draining and leaves me sweaty. I don't make a point to complain about something when I do it, so when I was walking uphill, despite not liking it much, I held basic conversation with my brother.
As we were heading back down, he asked me if I was having fun and I said no. Not because of any fault of my brother, I just didn't find the activity fun. Not even bad, just satisfactory. Later when he was driving me to the airport for my flight home he told me "If I ask you if you're having fun, don't say 'no.'"
I understand that it can be demoralizing to hear someone's not having fun, but I don't like it when people ask for my opinion and get upset when I give my honest answer. If I'm not having fun, I'll just say I'm not having fun.
The internet had plenty to say about OP's quandary.
Kebar8 wrote:
YTA.
"It's been a fun day hanging with you, but man this hike is steep" "I'm looking forward to the down hill bit!"
That's the sort of polite answer people are looking for. You acknowledge your enjoying your brothers company which was what he was looking for, but you can also acknowledge the hike is hard/difficult etc. It doesn't matter how much the activity sucks, people want to hear that you're enjoying their company.
CoverCharacter8179 wrote:
"Walking downhill is the easiest thing ever, it's like being nature's passenger princess. You just put your foot forward and let gravity do all the work."
Said the fiction writer who has never walked down a steep or uneven hill, or been on a nature hike with elevation change in AZ.
EDIT: I forgot to say YTA for fiction writing.
Helpful-Tell-43 wrote:
YTA. You are perched on your self anointed pedestal and expecting everyone to treat you like a little princess. Your brother probably regrets ever going on a hike with you. Sometimes in life you have to walk up hill to get to where you're going.
impl0sionatic wrote:
NAH, but I think you and your brother would both benefit from understanding each other a little better. There’s nothing wrong with giving him an honest answer but it obviously hurt his feelings.
Unless he already knew your feelings about that kind of hike and/or the things you do find fun, or unless you explained the context of your feelings afterward, your words made him feel guilty about failing to give you a fun time. He’s wrong to say you shouldn’t be honest but most people aren’t used to that kind of bluntness and you failed to consider his feelings.
In the future, you might benefit from finding a better balance of keeping your commitments without complaint and being more open about your preferences and desires. People feel good when they can have a mutually good time and people tend to feel worse about a situation if they realize they’re the only one enjoying themself and the other is simply indulging or tolerating them.
Throwawayhika90210 wrote:
Hello! NTA. As an autistic person I find myself having to think about what other people WANT to hear instead of what is the APPROPRIATE response. I think in this case you can give more context (if it seems right) WHY the activity is or isn’t fun without diving into detail.
Expressing your own needs isn’t necessarily complaining unless the problem has been addressed, (or there is more nothing to be done) and you bring it up to guilt other people.
Maybe say like “Not very fun for me because long uphills aren’t my thing!” And cut off further response without being rude. I think bringing it up beforehand to your brother might help too so the two of you can compromise.
SignatureDifficult24 wrote:
You’re NTA, but in situations like this sometimes it’s better to just spare feelings. Saying you’re not having fun really sours the experience. I would hate to hear that from someone I was doing an activity with. If you’re already committed to doing the activity, what benefit is there to saying you’re not having fun other than offending whoever you’re with?
You don’t even necessarily have to lie. He asked if you were having fun while going uphill. You could’ve said, “This incline is k--ling me at the moment but I’m glad to be experiencing this with you” or some variation of that.
throwaway_6755534 wrote:
Did he know beforehand you don't really like steep hikes and forced you to go? I can see where you're coming from with being authentic with your answer. I used to feel like that too where I was confused when my honesty was treated with hostility.
In dealing with that, approaching the person and event with a positive answer helps a lot. You can be honest in saying it's tiring, boring etc. but add to that with an enjoyable part of the trip, such as the scenery or talking to your brother.
It makes your brother feel a bit less bad that your time bonding together wasn't wasted or miserable for you. It also benefits you in approaching things in a more positive light, therefore a positive mindset. Don't invalidate the negative ways in how you feel, but there's also always something good to take out of something bad to be mentioned. NTA.