'AITA for telling my roommate I don't cook food she likes because I don't cook for her?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my roommate I don't cook food she likes because I don't cook for her?"

I (21M) and my girlfriend (Emily, 20F) live together with a roommate (Alice, 31F). We all contribute equally to our monthly "house food" (food meant for everyone, not one specific person) budget. We can still have our own food, and as long as we communicate so nobody eats someone else's food.

A couple weeks ago, I made myself and Emily some spaghetti with the house food. Just noodles and generic brand canned sauce, nothing fancy. Quick and easy because I was feeling lazy. Alice was at work until late that night, and myself and my gf ended up finishing all the spaghetti.

When Alice came home, she saw the dirty pot in the sink and made a comment about being sad there was none saved for her. I asked if she wanted me save some for her next time I made it, but she didn't really give me a straight answer. I got the feeling she wanted me to though, so I made a mental note to do that next time I made spaghetti and moved on.

A few days later, I made some pork chops. Again, nothing fancy. Emily wasn't hungry and didn't eat her portion, so I offered it to Alice when she came home. She accepted, however when she put the food in the microwave to warm it she made a face as the smell hit her. She tried not to let me see, but I could tell she wasn't thrilled.

She took the food into her room to eat, which isn't unusual for her, so I don't know if she finished it or what. Since then, whenever we're in the kitchen together and I'm cooking, she's been kind of hovering over my shoulder and trying to give me advice on how to season my food. And honestly, sometimes it's good advice.

I'm one of those people who views cooking as a constant learning thing, so I don't mind taking suggestions. However, she gave me an attitude whenever I didn't do something how she wanted or liked. It was always subtle and unspoken, until yesterday. I was making spaghetti again. When I make spaghetti, I keep the noodles and sauce separate, so everyone can choose how much sauce they want.

Alice has seen me make spaghetti before, but this time she said I made it "the white people way." I feel it is important to note that she is also white. She said I should mix the sauce in, and I told her that wasn't how I make it. She told me that she liked it better when it was pre-mixed, and here's where I maybe went too far.

I told her I don't care how she likes it, because I wasn't cooking it for her. I told her that when I cook, mine and my gf's preferences are the only things I consider, because the food is being made for us, not for her. If she doesn't like it, she has her own food to make, and there is nothing stopping her from eating that.

She got all huffy and stormed off, and later on Emily said my tone came off a bit angry. I wasn't angry, I was just stating a fact, but maybe there was a way to put it more gently? I don't know. I'm told that I can sometimes come off as an AH without meaning to, that I have one of those resting faces that makes me look angry all the time even when I'm not. So AITA?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

East_Hospital_2775 wrote:

NAH, as it sounds like y'all are all working a system that doesn't make sense. Like, if I contributed financially to the food you're cooking, I, too, would like to want to eat it lol. Y'all need to just have separate everything and cut the drama.

many_hobbies_gal wrote:

Change up how you do groceries, you and your GF buy your own and let Alice buy her own Things like basics condiments, spices, flour, sugar make community property.

Alice is wanting someone to cook for her that's the bottom line. You told her straight up and many times people see being straight forward as rude, abrasive...etc. When I say something I say it, I don't use a lot of pretty flowery language. But that's me. NTA

Ambroisie_Cy wrote:

I think you all need to sit down and rethink the whole food dynamic:

If you continue to pay the food together, then you need rules. For example: The person cooking has control of the recipe without the other one hovering over their shoulders.

-You pay the food separately. To each their own. You pay for yours, she pays for hers. I'd go with NAH, leaning towards NTA, only because I think she is more of an AH than you here. Nowhere you mention her cooking for you. If someone were to cook for me that often, I'd shut it and eat what is on the table. If I don't like what they are cooking, I'd cook my own meals.

Glittering_Search_41 wrote:

INFO: does she ever cook for you and your gf? Is there some agreement that cooking is a shared responsibility for the whole house where you all take it in turns? If so, she can cook how she wants it when it's HER turn. If not, she doesn't get a say and she can simply decline your cooking and make her own. Either way, you are NTA.

OP responded:

I cook for myself and my girlfriend, Alice cooks for herself. House ingredients are for use by everyone, but our meals have always been separate up until now. Sometimes we offer each other leftovers if we don't want them, but that's kinda as far as it goes. So I guess the short answer is, nobody really cooks for the whole house. We cook for ourselves and sometimes share.

maddyline wrote:

What the F is White people spaghetti? I'm Black and I make it like you make it, sauce and noodles separate. This is not the first time I heard this shenanigans. Actually, the correct way is to brown your ground beef, add mushrooms, diced garlic and diced yellow onions and pour Prego over it and simmer.

Serve the cooked noodles in a colander over steaming water and the sauce from a pan directly on top. My whole family is Black and I've never seen this mix it all together way. I mean Chef Boyardee comes all mixed together, but he's white, right?

Unrelated_gringo wrote:

YTA - The food you're making comes from common funds, she has the same amount of "rights" as you two to eat it and to comment on how it's made. BTW - That "shared food" fiasco is a bad idea and you'd all be better to let go of it.

Hours later, OP jumped on with an update.

Hey, so I posted on here and then f-ed off for a bit, and the post sorta blew up. So I wanted to pop in and clear up a few things. There is a character limit that had me really pressed trying to fit in what I thought was the most relevant info, so I'm sorry that not everything was super clear. That's my bad. One common misconception was that I was only using house food for the spaghetti, so allow me to clarify.

The noodles were house food, but the sauce was a specific (albeit generic) brand that I prefer to buy, so it was my food. Our house food mainly consists of staples like pasta, bread, eggs, milk, etc. Things which are easily customizable to suit each person's tastes. (The pork chops I mentioned were also my food.)

Another thing was that people seemed to be assuming that I was cooking "her portion" of the pasta, considering she would have technically paid for 1/3 of it. I can sort of see where this is coming from, but this was brought up back when she first moved in, and we agreed that figuring out thirds like that when it comes to this just complicates things further.

We operate under a "if you cook it, it's yours" mentality. So the pasta that I made was not half hers and half mine, it was just mine. This system has worked for us for over a year, and I sort of doubt that's the root of the problem. Also, with the first spaghetti meal mentioned, I made enough for two people.

Me and my girlfriend, that's it. I did not make three portions. The second time, after I figured out she wanted some, I made three portions since she would be eating with us. I don't know why people assumed I was making more than I needed, but then again it's the internet and I bet some people are really just Like That so it's not like I can blame y'all.

All that said, the answer I saw most often was that a discussion about the food budget needed to be had and things needed to be properly split between the three of us, and while I'm on the fence I do think it's worth bringing up with Emily and Alice. So that's probably what I'm gonna do. I am gonna give Alice a bit more time to calm down though, since she still seemed cold when she left for work earlier.

The comments kept rolling in.

TTV_Subject21 wrote:

One question I had, you said A was white, and you and E are also white?

OP responded:

Yes, we're all white as hell lmao. No wiggle room. I'm blond-haired and blue-eyed. That's part of why it struck me as odd enough to mention in the post.

merouch wrote:

Can I ask how often housemate cooks for the house?

OP responded:

I cook for myself and my girlfriend, A cooks for herself. House ingredients are for use by everyone, but our meals have always been separate up until now. Sometimes we offer each other leftovers if we don't want them, but that's kinda as far as it goes. So I guess the short answer is, nobody really cooks for the whole house. We cook for ourselves and sometimes share.

Appropriate_Trip_246 wrote:

NTA there and still NTA…why is everyone freaking out on the other post? I mostly just scroll and read to the bottom and rarely leave my own comments but damn…common sense doesn’t seem to be that common!

Even without the clarification, I wouldn’t think you’re using up ALL the food or owe her 1/3 of what you’re making. Like what?? If milk is shared (w/ or without cereals) and I’m having a bowl do I need to share my portion?

Or am I obligated to pour you a bowl? What if roommate wants eggs and bacon…or prefers her spaghetti a certain way...can she not like make herself some food ? Unless food preparation is planned or agreed upon that doesn’t mean ready meals are also ‘house food’ or shared...join in the cooking if you like it a certain way or plan your own meals tf.

From my perspective splitting costs on house groceries means I can make a sandwich when I want to and so can everybody else, as with other shared ingredients. And it’s understood everyone will be using mostly everything.

(Not that only one will be using ingredients and owes everyone customized meals. It makes sense to split groceries with certain households, you can buy bulk deals/ have less food waste/ save money/ have more food options at a time/ even have food made for you once in a while!

But the thing about when someone makes food and offers you some - the answer should be ‘yes’ or ‘no’, not suggesting how to make it because of your preferences and being rude/annoying about not liking it. Maybe roommate is possibly upset with something else.

The next day, OP jumped on with another update.

Alright, figured y’all should get one last update before I vanish off the face of the Earth. Myself, Alice, and Emily all sat down together last night after Alice got off work. I brought up what happened the other night with the spaghetti and explained how I saw things. To sum up what I said, I told her that while I appreciated her help sometimes in the kitchen since she had more experience than me.

I didn’t understand her insisting on something as small as stirring the sauce in or not, when she could simply stir the sauce in herself on her own plate. I was mindful of my tone and my wording this time around, and I think that helped. After I had said my piece, Alice let out a long sigh and apologized.

She explained that she had a long day at work that day, and when she came home she was pretty moody, and ended up taking that out on me. She said that growing up her family always mixed in the sauce and she had never actually eaten it the other way, so when she saw something she perceived as ‘new’ her brain just kinda flipped out about it.

I told her I understood, and I apologized for maybe coming off more annoyed than I actually felt. I also took this opportunity to explain to Alice why I eat spaghetti this way - my older sibling has Autism and is an incredibly picky eater, and when we were kids, they would refuse anything that wasn’t plain buttered noodles.

So the separation of noodles and sauce was our family’s way of accommodating them, and I guess it just sort of stuck with me since it’s how I grew up. She said that it made sense, and I told her if it really mattered I could stir her portion of the pasta when she’s having a rough day.

She smiled and said it’s not necessary, but I heard this tone in her voice again so I think I’m going to do it anyway and see how she responds. Since so many people seemed confused or concerned about the house food system, I decided to bring that up and ask if it was in any way relevant to this.

She said no, that she really didn’t mind the system we have. She said it probably would’ve happened no matter what I had made, since in her mind right then anything that wasn’t made her way was wrong. Emily also agreed that as of right now our house food system is working, and neither of them saw a reason to change it.

After that we just kinda hung out in the living room for a while, talking about weirdly specific food preferences we have in the same vein as stirred spaghetti. Turns out we’re all picky about some random food item and it only makes sense to us.

Like, I’ll only eat hot dogs if they’re not made with actual hot dogs, but polish sausage. And it has to have mustard. Not sure if it’s then called something else and honestly, don’t care. Not the point. Point is, our strange and specific food preferences can be accommodated more often than not. Except Emily putting ranch dressing on her spaghetti. I love her, but some crimes can never be forgiven.

The internet continued to be invested.

LoB_Luminous wrote:

Glad yall came to an agreement, but Ranch on spaghetti??? That reminds me when I'd make homemade mac n cheese and my wonderful brother would put ketchup on it 🥲 like I did all that work why are you ruining it. 😭

Keljhan wrote:

Since you mentioned you liked learning, I just wanna chip in on the sauce mixing thing. I won't say it's objectively correct, but generally the recommended way to add sauce is with about a half cup of retained pasta water per Lb of pasta, after draining but before the pasta is totally Al dente.

This allows the pasta to absorb the sauce into the noodles (takes 1-2 minutes, and better with some butter as well) while it finishes, which leads to a creamier and more integrated sauce. Adding it afterwards makes the sauce kind of slip off the noodles, and makes it harder to mix in parmesean or herbs along with the sauce.

Of course, if some people don't want sauce at all, that's not really possible, unless you separate the noodles in portions before they finish cooking (which you could do for your roommate if you'd like to be extremely considerate, but that's a lot of effort). Maybe if the roommate is around while you're cooking next time, you can have them finish the noodles for their own portion their way and do yours your way?

Just_Will_I_Am wrote:

People ending disputes amicably and in an adult way online Whatever next?

I didn't think you were the AH in the first place either but snapping probably did warrant the apology and it's great the roommate recognised her bad behaviour too.

One_Palpitation1063 wrote:

I think ranch on spaghetti needs its own AITA post.