I (30F) have a sister, let's call her Lily (27F), who's engaged to this guy, Jake (32M). They've been together for about three years now, and Jake has been unemployed for the last two of those. He's "working on his art" but hasn't sold a single piece. Meanwhile, Lily works her a-- off at two jobs to support them both.
Fast forward to their engagement party. Everyone's all lovey-dovey, and then Jake starts talking about how excited he is for Lily to be his "muse" and how he'll finally have the time to focus on his art now that they're getting married. I had had enough of his bulls--t.
I stood up, wine glass in hand, and said, "Jake, maybe instead of making Lily your muse, you should get a f--king job and contribute to the relationship like an adult." The room went silent. My parents were mortified, Lily was in tears, and Jake looked like he'd been slapped.
Some family members think I was out of line for embarrassing Jake in front of everyone, but a few others quietly told me they agreed but didn't have the balls to say it. Lily hasn't spoken to me since, and I'm getting the cold shoulder from the rest of the family.
But I genuinely think someone needed to say it because this marriage is looking like it'll be one-sided with Lily carrying all the financial load. AITA for calling out Jake at the engagement party?
Well-Done22 wrote:
YTA. You weren’t wrong to express your concerns. But choosing to do it at that moment was a massive dick move. If you were my sibling, I not only wouldn’t speak to you I’d make it clear that you weren’t welcome at the wedding. No need to invite someone who embarrassed me at my engagement party.
Tally0987654321 wrote:
YTA. Ngl, it needed to be said. But ruining an engagement party was the worst time to say it. Don't be surprised if your invitation to the wedding gets lost in the mail. Lol I'd be terrified of what you'd say/do at my wedding if I were them.
OP responded:
She already said I wont be on the guest list.
anyways that's one less zola gift I have to fork out this year haha
Old-Mention9632 wrote:
Your sister's fiance sounds like my sister's ex-husband. He too wanted to be an artist. Granted he had some talent but he was ridiculously slow at finishing a project, so he could never sell his art in a way that made any money, since one 8x10 piece would take him a month or more. After my sister had a child, she didn't rush immediately back to work, to see if he would step up. He did not.
They moved up to where we live, mom paid him to paint her house, and rented a house to them below market. My sis was working a warehouse job while doing nursing prereqs, and James was doing an IT training program. When he graduated, he was dragging his feet looking for a job.
Mom and sis started giving him job ads. He stated to his wife, who was working full time at a warehouse, going back to college, and taking care of home and child,:" I'm too good to be doing warehouse work.
My sis told him to get a job or get out, so he filed for divorce. NTA, but it won't make a difference. In a few years he will leave her broke, with kids, while he runs off to be supported by some other young dumb girl blinded by love.
VelvetFrostWhisperh wrote:
You were definitely blunt, and while it sounds like you had good intentions, doing this at the engagement party wasn’t the best approach. It’s understandable to feel frustrated with Jake not contributing financially, but calling him out in front of everyone likely embarrassed Lily and put her on the spot.
She might have needed support, but this wasn’t the best time or place to express your concerns. That said, your point about wanting her to be in a balanced partnership is valid, just maybe better saved for a private conversation.
CaptainBeefy79 wrote:
You may be an AH, but you’re my kind of AH. Jake’s got the “artist” part down, maybe he’ll finally be “starving” too if your sister comes to her senses.
Disastrous-Log22 wrote:
YTA. Not the place or time. I get where you’re coming from, I’d be concerned too if my sister was dating a bum like him, but at the end of the day you shouldn’t have done it. I hope you are willing to apologize and expect for some low contact from your sister going forward because you may have just pushed your sister away after this incident.
Elthinaya wrote:
YTA. If you really didn't support the engagement, perhaps you should not have attended the party. When asked why you didn't go, then would have been the time to say your piece. Yes, it's frustrating seeing this mooch leech off your sister, but trying to create a rift is not going to make it happen! She has to come to that realization herself.
CurvyCuutie wrote:
While your concern about your sister's situation is understandable, the way you handled it was likely hurtful and not the best approach. Confronting Jake in front of everyone at a celebration made the moment about you and your feelings instead of addressing the underlying issues privately.
Lily may have already been feeling overwhelmed by the situation, and this public confrontation could have added unnecessary stress. Instead of addressing it during the engagement party, a private conversation with your sister or Jake could have been more constructive. While it's clear you're looking out for your sister, the delivery of your message probably made it harder for her to process or respond.
fuzzy_mic wrote:
YTA - I don't think you did anything positive. You could have vented your feelings privately to your sister and her beloved. Instead you did it publicly which will make everyone feel weird when they see you at the wedding. Unless you really think that your little speech will inspire Jake to get a job or Lilly to leave him.