'AITA for telling my son to NOT wear his favourite jacket anymore because it 'looks gay?'' UPDATED 2X

"WIBTA for telling my son to NOT wear his favourite jacket anymore because it 'looks gay?'"

I’m a single dad to my son, Oliver 10M. He’s with me most of the time, and sees his mum every other weekend. He’s an awesome kid, creative, full of energy, and he’s got his own sense of style that’s pretty unique. He loves bright colours, nail polish, and clothes that some people might think are more “girly.”

If I’m honest, I think Oliver might be gay, and I’m totally cool with that. I’ve always made it clear that whoever he turns out to be, I’ll support him 100%. Because of how he dresses and acts, Oliver’s had a really tough time with other kids.

He got b-llied so badly at his old school that I ended up pulling him out and homeschooling him. The school wasn’t helpful at all, and it was heartbreaking to see him go through that. He’s struggled to make friends, and it hurts me to see him feel so alone. Now, he’s starting back at school in September, and he’s really excited about it.

But recently, we were at a cousin’s birthday party, and Oliver wore his favourite jacket which is a bright pink, sparkly one that he loves. Some of the other kids started picking on him, saying he “looked gay.” I stepped in, got the kids to apologise, but it ruined the day for Oliver. I’m worried about how things will go when he’s back at school.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should talk to Oliver about maybe toning it down a bit, especially when he’s around new people. Not because I want him to change who he is, but because I hate seeing him get hurt and feel like an outcast. I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide who he is, but I also don’t want him to be picked on or excluded because of it.

But then, I feel like a complete AH for even thinking about this. I don’t want him to think that I’m ashamed of him or that he has to conform to be accepted. I want him to feel free to be himself, but I’m also scared of him being hurt by others who don’t get it. So, WIBTA if I talked to Oliver about maybe being a bit more low-key with his style?

The internet kept it honest in the replies.

Accomplished_Mango28 wrote:

Do not dull his shine because other people don’t understand him. I understand it may be coming from a place of protection, but it needs to be addressed with the potential aggressors, not with forcing your son to change who he is.

OP responded:

But when you can't do anything more with potential aggressors? I have done, and will continue to do everything I can. But sadly I can't literally watch his back 24/7, even though I would if I could. Any time he has a comment made to him he breaks his little heart and it is so devastating seeing him go through that again and again.

Dry_Sandwich_860 wrote:

Jesus, where do you live? Most kids don't care about this kind of thing these days.

If this is for real, then here's my advice.

Even at 10, Oliver will know why the b-llies are saying they're targeting him. Kids are highly attuned to their differences. Yet he is still dressing the way he wants to dress.

In my experience, it's kids who lack confidence who are more likely to get b-llied.

I don't mean that it's a kid's fault for being b-llied, just that confidence can improve the situation. My father was the town drunk, he couldn't hold down a job, he was a proud atheist in a religious area, and because we had no money, I had no decent clothes. I was also a tubby kid. Yet I hardly ever got bullied. I think you need to talk to Oliver honestly.

Tell him that some kids give him a hard time because he likes to be creative and they can't handle that. But that doesn't mean they're right and you're proud of his independence. Encourage him to talk to you about any jerks. This way, you're acknowledging the problem and are not angry or ashamed of him. So he'll be more likely to know his choices and to know that he can go to you.

I would also go to the school now and ask for a meeting with his teacher and maybe even the principal. Talk about how to nip any bullying in the bud. I'd ask your GP and the people at the school if it would be possible to get counseling for Oliver so he can talk about any concerns and get advice. Good on you for wanting to stay on top of this.

OP responded:

I live in the West Midlands of England. I honestly don't think your point about most kids not caring is at all accurate. I see it every day.

femmestem wrote:

NAH You want to protect your son. You think the best way to do that is through conformity. I don't think you're an AH, but there may be other ways of handling this. Teach your son unbridled self-confidence and clever comebacks. Teach him how to stand up to b-llies, disarm them with humor and reverse heckling.

Don't teach him that the key to acceptance is to not be himself. He'll internalize that toxicity into his worldview. Kids are notoriously mean, he'll look to you for validation- and he's better off getting it from you than none at all.

Haunting_Nebula-1685 wrote:

YTA- instead of telling him to tone it down, talk to him about how to feel confident even when people disagree with how he is. By telling him to act/dress different you are showing him that he should hide and that there is something about him that you are ashamed of.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Hey all, it's been about 26 days since my original post, and I thought I'd give an update now that Oliver has had his first week back at school. I can happily say that so far, things are going much better than I'd hoped. Over the summer, Oliver and I had a really important heart-to-heart. I sat him down and told him just how incredibly proud I am of the person he is becoming.

I made sure he knew that there is absolutely nothing he could ever do that would change the way I see him or make me love him any less. Honestly, it was a bit emotional, and I even got a bit choked up. I told him that if wearing his favourite jacket – the one that’s caused some hurt before – made him happy, I’d stand behind him 100%.

But I also wanted to make sure he was prepared. I explained that, while I’ll always be there for him, I can't always be around to protect him, and he might have to stand up for himself if kids make fun of him. I made it clear that this doesn’t mean he should change anything about who he is but that he needs to be ready to handle it if anyone says anything cruel.

Oliver understood, and we spent the summer coming up with some playful comebacks together. He really wanted to take the jacket with him to school, so we made it a bit of a project – imagining the kind of things kids might say and crafting witty replies that he could fire back with.

It was actually pretty fun, and I think it helped him feel more confident about it. Now, back to school! His new teacher knows all about his past struggles, and she's been amazing. She’s keeping a close eye on things and making sure he feels safe and comfortable.

It’s made such a difference already, and Oliver’s first week couldn’t have gone better. He’s even made a friend, a boy named Sam, and they’ve really hit it off. They’re planning to meet up tomorrow at the Wacky Warehouse, and Oliver can’t stop talking about it. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him this excited about spending time with someone his age.

I know it’s still early days, but seeing him come home happy and smiling each day has been such a relief. Thanks to everyone who gave advice and encouragement on my original post – I really took a lot of it to heart, and I think it made a big difference in how I approached all this.

The internet was so supportive.

yougogirlyy wrote:

This is such a heartwarming update! Props to you for having that important conversation with your son and helping him build the confidence to be himself. And kudos to the new teacher for being so supportive. Kids can be cruel, but with a strong support system, they can overcome it. Wishing your son all the best in the coming school year!

galiubin_666 wrote:

This update is the perfect example of how having open and honest communication with your child can make a huge difference. And those comebacks are genius!

SnoopyIsCute wrote:

I am so happy you were prepared to actually pay attention to the advice you received. I'm so excited for your son and his new friend.

Good teachers are angels! Good job!!!!

impossibleoptimist wrote:

I told my son he has 4 choices: Wear the purple underwear (that can sometimes be seen above his pants) and accept the teasing Wear it and fight about it Wear it on the weekends Give up something he really likes for social peace Whatever he chooses he will be the one dealing with the consequences and I'll stand by him. He kept wearing them and everyone quickly gave up worrying about it.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Hey. I just wanted to hop on and give a small update about Oliver's playdate over the weekend. Firstly, when Oliver was getting ready he wanted to wear all his 'flamboyant' clothes. He asked me if I thought it was a good idea, his friend had seen him in his jacket but he was a little worried how he would react to the 'full Oliver'.

I told him to wear whatever he wanted, and if this friend was worth being friends with they would accept him for exactly how he is. This made Oliver smile. He wore his full Oliver outfit, when we were walking in I could feel Oliver getting a bit nervous. He was b-llied so much in his last school for how he was, so I understood why.

I held his hand tight and gave it two squeezes (this means 'I love you', something I learnt to teach him). The friend's dad was with him and he looked at Oliver and gave a little curious look but apart from that it was fine. The boy said he loved Oliver's clothes. They spent about 4 hours playing, and we ended up eating together.

On the way home, I told Oliver how proud I am of the little man he is. I am so proud how he is so willing to be himself, and so brave to continue despite any backlash he gets. I love him so much.

This is my final update on this account.

I don't know if I'll ever show you these posts Oliver, maybe in a few years when you're older so we can laugh at how worried I was about you. Your dad is so proud of you, I think you are the most amazing person in the whole world. Even when you drive me absolutely nuts. I am so lucky to get to be your father, I am so lucky you are in my life. I love you.

The internet was touched by the update.

GualtieroCofresi wrote:

Again, as a gay man who did not have this growing up, thank you for allowing my inner child to heal a little bit. Oliver, you are brave and amazing. I hope life brings you lots of joy because you deserve it. Keep being you and we will be proud of you no matter what. A bunch of internet strangers from around the world love you and are rooting for you.

Little_Orange2727 wrote:

Okay, this made me tear up. I've read your earlier posts too. Coming from someone whose parents were never the openly accepting type, I hope you know that you, sir, are my hero. You're an amazing dad! And I'm so happy for Oliver that his little friend loved his fabulousness too!

vancitymala wrote:

This is amazing! I remember seeing a tweet from Dan Levy’s mother after the wildly successful Schitt’s Creek wrapped:

“Today I regret every single second of worry back in the uninformed 80’s-wondering how the world was going to treat my brilliant little boy who loved to twirl. Little did I know that he was going to kick that old world’s ass to the curb and create a brand new one.” I hope Oliver is the same 🥰

OldHamster4218 wrote:

That was nice bruv. You could sign him up for jiujitsu or something so he can arm bar people in his pink jacket when they pick on him lol.