'AITA for telling my stepdaughter I don’t want to watch any kids and that includes hers?'
"AITA for telling my stepdaughter I don’t want to watch any freaking kids and that includes yours?"
I have never wanted kids. I was forced to watch my younger siblings (4 of them) until I left at the age of 16. I greatly dislike babysitting and never had my own children. Never have been comfortable around young kids after that. My husband has three children, I met and married him when his kids were in their 20s. I am not a mother figure to them at all, just their dad’s wife.
Overall I got along well with the three adults. The problem started when my Kelly became pregnant. Everyone was excited for the first baby in the family. I made it clear I didn’t want to babysit and when grandkids were around my husband was to be the main caretaker.
My husband agreed. The first two years went great, my husband is an awesome grandpa and I am fine being the relative that brings toys and other fun stuff once in a while.
Kelly has been pushing hard for me to take up a more traditional grandma role. Her MIL isn’t involved ( she lives a few states over). Kelly has gotten in her head that I should be doing the babysitting instead of her father. We have talked to her multiple times.
My husband is on a work trip and will be back next week. Usually he babysits on Monday but he informed her that he won’t be there so it was canceled. She stopped over and was dropping her kids off.
I asked what she was doing since her dad wasn’t here. She told me that I need to step up and babysit. That she doesn’t care if her dad isn’t here, I am present. I told her no. This went in circles for a bit and got more heated the longer we went. I told her I don’t want to watch any fixing kids and that includes yours. She is pissed. My husband is fine with what I did but his other children are on him. So AITA?
The internet shared their honest thoughts.
fishnoguns wrote:
NTA. However, this is not necessarily about who is an AH or not, as I assume you would prefer to continue having good relations with her in the future.
"We have talked to her multiple times."
Have you described why you don't want to do it? Because I think if you frame it as you did here (essentially "I was forced to look after children when I was a child and ran away from home because of it") it is difficult to see how someone can still be pissed.
Yes, the reddit hivemind will tell you they don't have a right to know this, and just your preference to not do it should be enough. And the internet hivemind may be philosophically-morally correct. But sometimes in life you need to pick between being ideologically correct and actually getting the result you want.
OP responded:
Yes, it was explained.
Silaquix wrote:
NTA and who tf just drops off kids as if they're entitled to babysitting?
"You need to step up" um no. Babysitting is a favor and she's not entitled to it. Especially when she has been told no.
Your husband needs to have a long conversation with his daughter about her attitude because the only ones that have to step up are the parents of the children. Anyone else is doing them a favor.
NotShockedFruitWeird wrote:
NTA. Where is her own mother in this? Her husband? Her other in-laws?
OP responded:
She passed away.
My husband remarried after her passing.
I don’t know about her FIL.
BefuddledPolydactyls wrote:
She told me that I need to step up and babysit. That she doesn’t care if her dad isn’t here, I am present. NTA. Umm, NO. She doesn't determine or demand, what, if anything, you do with your time. It sounds as if you have been fully upfront as to not doing childcare, presumably why your husband does it.
She sounds entitled and has a serious failure to recognize boundaries. Those who are upset can step up when your husband is unavailable, or she can find a backup sitter. I would not entertain any further discussion regarding this.
Quiet-Tea-6375 wrote:
Tbh I do not understand aggressively CF people who marry people with children. Even when they grow up they are still that partner's child. That includes possibly grandchildren. Having grown up in a situation like this but as the child…sucks to know someone who would typically be in a grandparent role wants nothing to do with you.
To be clear, you aren’t TA for not babysitting. SD sucks for being so aggressive, even if it’s coming from a good place. I just wish CF people would consider this first before marrying people with children.
Pst_pst_pst wrote:
I can see both sides. But it’s not like OP ignores the kid, she just doesn’t want to be responsible for them, she said she brings them gifts and other fun stuff. I grew up with a “step-grandpa” who didn’t have children. My parents were very clear on his role in our life and my grandmother's.
I knew he was my grandma's husband rather than my grandpa. When I would spend time with my grandma, she did the caretaking and he would sometimes play with us but not always. I think outside influence will play a major role here.
HorrorAvatar wrote:
OP: I hate kids.
Also OP: I married a man with three kids.
I don’t like kids either. That’s why my partner is also child free. You married into a family-oriented situation so you will at some point encounter children. I wouldn’t babysit them either but that’s what you get for marrying a dad.
HorseyGirlWH wrote:
You've made your position clear. She's lucky her dad will watch her kids. Hubby & I never assumed our parents would take our kids (they both lived out of state), but we were happy if they asked for our kids to visit for a week in the summer, and they were related to them! She has real gall in trying to force you to watch them and you're NTA.