'AITA for telling my stepmother-in-law I'm glad she can't have children?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my stepmother-in-law I'm glad she can't have children?"

When my wife was a teenager, her stepmother had health issues that eventually led to a hysterectomy. She and my father-in-law had been trying to conceive prior to that, and she's very open about how painful it was to become unable to have kids. She's been in therapy for years, but this is still a sore subject, so we don't bring it up.

During the pandemic, SMIL became a vegetarian. While I obviously have no problem with that, no one else in the family is, and she tends to get very preachy about it. There is one specific video of cattle being sl--ghtered and processed that she has sent multiple family members.

Because of that preachiness, my wife and I try to avoid having meals with her. I've also been told that she and FIL often eat in separate rooms. Anyway, my wife and I attended a wedding about two weeks ago. Our regular babysitter canceled on us at the last minute, so FIL and SMIL volunteered to watch our kids (8M and 5F).

They babysat our children once a few months ago and things went fine, so my wife and I agreed. The kids were asleep when we returned home. The next day, my daughter was very upset. She barely spoke all morning. When we sat down for lunch, she started crying and refused to eat. We tried to talk to her, but she refused to tell us what was wrong. Eventually, my son told us what happened.

We had promised the kids they could have burgers for dinner. My FIL was aware of that, but he apparently fell asleep less than an hour after we left. When it was time for dinner, the kids went to ask SMIL to make the burgers, and she refused. My son offered to wake FIL up, but she said no to that too. She said she would make the kids something else for dinner.

When my children started begging for the burgers, SMIL showed them the cattle video. She also apparently told them my wife was secretly against them eating meat, which is why they hesitated to tell us what she'd done. My wife and I had a talk with our kids and managed to get them to feel better. After they went to bed, we called SMIL. She confirmed she'd shown them the video.

To say we're both outraged would be putting it lightly. My wife and I immediately told her we were cutting her off from our kids, and we'll probably do the same with FIL for falling asleep while he was supposed to be babysitting. SMIL started trying to defend herself. She told us she was only trying to help, and that we should be making more efforts to get our kids to eat healthy.

It only made me angrier. I told her she has no idea how glad I am that she can't have children, because I'd pity the child that would have her as a mother. After that, she hung up on us. FIL has been calling and texting us. He is apologetic for falling asleep, but insists that cutting him and his wife off is an overreaction. He's also angry that I "mocked" SMIL's infertility.

Apparently, she is distraught at what I said, and FIL is demanding I apologize to her. Honestly, I don't think I'm TA here, but I am wondering whether I went too far. My wife agrees it was a low blow that SMIL deserved to hear, but a low blow nonetheless. AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

EDIT- Okay, to clarify some things I haven't already said in the comments:

-FIL and SMIL babysat at our place, not theirs.

-I can't believe I have to say this, but I have no problem with vegetarianism. I actually tried to become a vegetarian a few years ago, but couldn't for medical reasons. In SMIL's case, what I have a problem with is her preachiness.

-In general, my wife and I have always had a "meh" relationship with SMIL, but we never disliked her or treated her poorly. She has made a few comments about introducing vegetarianism to our kids in the past, but never anything this extreme.

-I'll admit I don't know much about SMIL's medical history. I only know about the hysterectomy because she didn't react well to either of my wife's pregnancies and they had to tell me what was going on.

-We promised the kids the burgers back when they were going to be watched by their usual babysitter. FIL and SMIL replaced her at the very last minute, and the kids ate chicken the last time they babysat (we didn't plan it, FIL found it in the fridge and cooked it), so we maintained the burgers.

-I saw the video a few years ago. It's a little under 5 minutes long and very graphic. Not the worst of those videos, but definitely not suitable for children. From my son's description, I think they watched most of it.

-I'm more angry about SMIL lying to my children about their mother than the fact she showed them the video, but the whole situation infuriates me.

-My wife is angry that her father fell asleep for personal reasons, but we're not certain about cutting him off. We won't budge on SMIL.

-Having read most of your comments, I think I'll apologize for what I said about her fertility, but I will maintain everything else. I don't want her near my children ever again. I'll update when I can.

The commenters had a lot to say.

duckingridiculous wrote:

NTA- she’s distraught? Your child is distraught. She showed them a video of animals being sl-ughtered and told them a lie about their parents. What she did was manipulative, dishonest, and cruel.

ETA: thanks for the awards 😊

New_Day684 wrote:

Send your fil a video of your children screaming when you try and feed them now. She would never see my kids again and I’d make everyone around her with kids informed of her cruelty to human children.

Redditredrabbit wrote:

Normally I'd say that snide remarks about infertility are out of line, end of story.

Your SMIL has found the exception.

BagelwithQueefcheese wrote:

NTA I am a vegan, my husband is not. My kids eat vegan and non-vegan items (it depends on who cooks). I would never show my young children a video like that. Ever. That’s horribly traumatic and this woman cannot be trusted around small children.

Not eating meat is a choice, not something to foist upon unsuspecting people, especially innocent babes. What an AH that woman is.

Over a week later, OP shared an update.

Though my wife and I have no intention to let her back in our children's lives, I decided to apologize to SMIL for what I said. My wife and I talked a lot about the subject. She said that, based on her history with her stepmother, it really was a good thing she didn't have children.

But before we had ours, my wife had always wanted to be a mother and was terrified about the possibility of not being able to. That fear got worse around the time SMIL had the hysterectomy. My wife told me her stepmother was agonized when it happened, and even though she agreed with me, she felt it might be best to apologize.

Another thing that led me to make that decision was my mother. Before my brother and I were born, my parents had a stillborn daughter. They didn't talk about her much, so I didn't even think of it at the time, but my brother brought it up a few days ago. I couldn't stop thinking about her. As a parent, I can't even begin to imagine how my mother felt.

I would never mention anything related to that out of anger, no matter how wrong my mother was. In the end, my wife and I agreed that, while I should apologize, we absolutely can't budge on cutting her stepmother off. We can't forgive what she did. It took us hours to convince our daughter to eat (anything, not just meat).

Even after that, she refused to eat meat for a few days because she "didn't want to be evil." Our son wasn't as shaken, but he still had trouble sleeping for a few nights. My wife and I sat them down and had a long conversation about it. We answered every question they had as well as we could.

Thankfully, we were able to reassure both our kids that eating meat wouldn't make them bad people. They are still a little distraught, but they are doing much better and eating normally again. Our main concern will always be their health and happiness. SMIL compromised both, so we had no doubts about cutting her from our lives.

We called FIL and SMIL this weekend. I apologized for what I said to SMIL, but told her we were still cutting her off. As expected, she didn't take it well. She started going off about how she was trying to help our children, and we were terrible parents for depriving them of that care.

I'm pretty sure she was crying. She said that it was awful that such "cruel, ungrateful people" could raise kids and not her, and we shouldn't allow our children to take part in something that caused so much unnecessary suffering. After about a minute of that, FIL managed to get SMIL to stop and hang up the phone.

My wife later spoke with her father separately. FIL apologized again for falling asleep. He said he understood why we were upset, but promised he would never do anything like that again. We decided to forgive him, but we won't leave the kids in his care again, and he will only be allowed to see them without his wife.

We have options besides our usual babysitter. FIL agreed. He invited us for a family dinner at a steakhouse my wife loved as a kid. He hasn't been there since SMIL became a vegetarian. We're going this Friday. I definitely have my regrets, but I'm satisfied with how things turned out.

More than anything, I'm glad my children are alright. Watching my daughter refuse to eat was terrifying, and I will never forgive SMIL for scaring her and her brother like that. But they're getting better every day, and I think things are going to be okay. Once again, thank you for all your advice and support. I'll try to reply to more comments this time.

The comments kept coming in.

thebearofwisdom wrote:

That’s f-ked up to do that to little kids. I don’t even want to see that and I’m an adult. No one WANTS to watch animals being slaughtered. We know it happens, but to constantly watch it and share it seems a little unhinged. It’s up to her what she wants to do, she doesn’t have to force everyone else into compliance. I am best friends with three wonderful women.

Two are sisters and vegan. So we naturally chose our food options so we can ALL enjoy our meal. We recently went to a tapas bar and the table was mostly non vegan food to accommodate the majority of the party. Out of 14 of us there were two vegans, three vegetarians, a pescatarian and the rest of us eat whatever. No one kicked up a fuss about having meat near them, or made anyone feel bad.

My friend said to me over the table, “I don’t care it looks fantastic, I don’t eat it for my own ethical reasons, but it’s not cos it doesn’t taste amazing, cos I know it does.” I’m pretty conscientious of it, and move meat dishes from her elbow to replace it with a vegan dish so it’s easier for her.

But they honestly don’t give a s-t about whether or not we eat it. All my veggie and Vargas friends are like that, and I used to be vegetarian myself. I had to start eating meat again for my health condition, so I still have some guilt there for me personally, but I don’t really have an option.

What I’m trying to say is that everyone has their own needs and wants, some people can’t eat meat for many reasons including allergies, and some people can’t NOT eat it because their health requires it.

Same with any diet. It can just be a choice you make randomly or for a good reason. But no one gets to decide what everyone else is eating. And they certainly do not get to traumatise kids to get their way. It’s cruel. If you wanted them to know where their food is from, that can be done in a way that doesn’t mess them up completely.

OP responded:

Yeah, I completely get my SMIL not wanting to make the burgers, and I'd never ask her to. But the solution would have been to wake up my FIL, who shouldn't be sleeping in the first place. I don't understand what made her think showing them the video was a good idea. It took me and my wife hours to convince our daughter to eat.

CaptDeliciousPants wrote:

I cannot stress enough how much I hate it when people use healthy eating to justify traumatizing kids. Whether it’s showing them f--ked up videos or calling them fat, none of it’s necessary. You can encourage healthy eating with positive reinforcement and education.

7-7__Seriously wrote:

NTA. I grew up in a family of farmers and one of the most traumatizing s-t I've seen was watching a pig be butchered while it was still squealing and I physically recoil or freeze to this day at the sight of blood because of it. A 5-year-old shouldn't be subjected to that s-t.