'AITA for telling my teen daughter she is not autistic in front of her friends?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my daughter (15) she is not autistic in front of her friends?"

My daughter is one of the most well-adjusted and socially adept people I have met. She has organized her own birthday parties, excelled at debate team and the Feminist Roundtable club at her school where she organized a fundraiser for at-risk young women…I’m beyond proud of her.

She is an incredible person and I truly feel the sky is the limit for her.

However, she has recently made a friend group who I believe is not great for her. Three people, two are non-binary and one girl, and all of them claim to be autistic.

I guess this has rubbed off on my daughter because now she is also claiming to be autistic. My sister is following her on TikTok and I guess she posts “stimming” videos and other things. She has given me zero evidence before this point to even entertain the notion that she is autistic. I truly never even considered it until she met these friends. This leads me to believe it is made up.

I have noticed that these friends are causing her to distance herself from her other friends that encouraged a more healthy lifestyle - friends she met in feminist roundtable for example who I really liked. She does not really do anything anymore but sit in her room and make videos with these friends about autism. It’s really strange and has me feeling pretty bad.

The other day her and her friends were in the kitchen and my daughter said something along the lines of “she wouldn’t understand because she isn’t autistic” about a classmate. I calmly stated after she said this that she is not autistic either, has self diagnosed, and shouldn’t patronize people by claiming that she is autistic as it is inappropriate to people who actually struggle.

She got furious and stomped up to her room. Her friends followed. She’s not talking to me anymore.

AITA for “calling out” my daughter?

Not long after post, OP shared a small update.

Edit: thanks very much for your thoughtful responses. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week for formal evaluation, and apologized to her for my poorly timed comment.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BoredofBin wrote:

NTA for telling her that. However I think that you should maybe take her to an expert and have her checked, that will not just confirm what you are saying but also give your daughter the assurance that her self-diagnosis was wrong, and maybe ease her doubts. Worse comes to worst, if she does turn out to be one, you can then take appropriate steps to deal with it.

ETA - To the people who are questioning the usage of a word like "deal" - it is not meant in a negative manner or to dismiss people who have autism, it is used to describe - handling it, supporting or taking care of it. That is it, no controversial or ableist undertones to it.

To the people who are questioning the usage of the expression "worse comes to worst". Nowhere in my comment am I dismissing her daughter being on the spectrum or treating it as something horrible or terrible, that was never the intention here.

To the people who are autistic - this comment was in no way made to hurt you or treat you like a "different species" or with malicious intentions. The comment is only and only made for OP to offer her the advice or a solution to what she is going through.

You can nitpick the words or expressions used in this comment or meaning of it to suit your own narrative, however that doesn't change the fact that this comment was made only and only to give suggestions to the OP, which she took. To all the people who upvoted this comment. Thank you for seeing the real intention behind this comment.

OP responded:

Thanks, this is a great idea. I’m going to make an appointment.

Thick-Journalist-168 wrote:

Autism doesn't look the same in everyone especially girls. She most likely isn't but you could get her checked out for official proof.

Sikorilz98 wrote:

NTA, even if your intention is clearly innocent, it can be interpreted as when someone says "you don't have depression" it feels derogatory of one's experience. I suggest starting an autism and ADHD investigation to see if your daughter really has the diagnosis or is just trying to be relevant. Could be that she is "masking."

"Masking is a strategy used by some autistic people, consciously or unconsciously, to appear non-autistic in order to blend in and be more accepted in society."

I would also pay attention to your daughter's behavior with her new group of friends.

OP responded:

Thanks, another commenter suggested to see a professional which I am going to do.

Somerandomdude1q2w wrote:

NTA. But this seems to be a new trend lately, and I think as a society we are screwed. You are right to call out her BS. I have no idea why it suddenly became "cool" to be autistic or ADHD. I happen to be ADHD and I have a son who is actually autistic, and we have real struggles.

And the biggest thing is that we don't use it as an excuse for anything, nor do we even bring it up in conversation. Your daughter seems to think autism is a club. That in and of itself is evidence that she isn't autistic.

StaringAtStarshine wrote:

YTA. Wait for her friends to go home before you start the conversation. Of course she’s mad at you, you embarrassed her. And regardless of whether or not she actually is autistic (that’s not for me to judge), you’ve now shown her that she won’t be getting the support she needs from you if she is. Even if that’s not what you meant, that’s how she will interpret it.

Autism is not diagnosed nearly as often in women as it is with men because society pressures women to mask even more. It’s possible that it wasn’t until she started making autistic friends that she felt more comfortable not masking.

That’s what it was like for me: I wasn’t comfortable referring to myself as neurodivergent until other neurodivergent people told me they recognized things I did as autistic behaviors, and it actually helped me to feel way more comfortable and at peace with myself.

I think you have some personal biases to check: why can’t your daughter do all these incredible extracurriculars and be this brilliant person you’ve always seen her as and be autistic?

Why are those two things mutually exclusive? It’s also possible that she may not be formally autistic, but is neurodivergent in some other way. But again, even if she is faking to try and fit in, you still should’ve waited for her friends to leave and actually communicated instead of just shutting her down.

HauntedReader wrote:

Info: Have you made an appointment to take her to her doctor and get an assessment to get an actual diagnosis or clarification on this? Or are you simply assuming she can't be autistic.

OP responded:

She has been seeing a therapist regularly for the past two years after her dad passed and saw a psychiatrist as well. She was not diagnosed with anything.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared a longer update in the comments.

I am going to take my daughter in for a formal evaluation. I really can’t stress enough that she has shown no symptoms of autism her whole life. No discomfort, no social problems, no evidence that she is masking and the mask is slipping. I am very close to my daughter and she has not one time expressed any sort of autistic tendencies before she met these friends.

She is well adjusted, makes friends very easily, and has never indicated any kind of struggle socially or educationally. It bothers me above all things that her peers are encouraging her to make her life harder for no reason. She isn’t showing up for her clubs or planning events or being herself.

The comments kept coming in.

curvycurly wrote:

Did you ever try talking to her about your concerns before just announcing she's not in front of these friends?? I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish but all you did was push your daughter closer to these friends and gave then an opening to put you down and create distance.

f-ckifiknow1013 wrote:

I had this thought also. Being in a similar situation with my parents when I was younger (turns out I am autistic and they still haven't apologized for not believing me) all I internalized from those " conversations" is my parents think I'm a liar. I question if OP's daughter feels like her mom called her a liar (I'm not saying she did!!! But it's how I would've internalized it).

MrPureInstinct responded:

Similar for me. Even when I was a young child my doctor mentioned having me tested because I showed some signs, but ultimately my mom decided it wasn't true and she didn't want the stigma around it I guess?

It wasn't until I got older and started to learn things about myself that I considered it a possibility. Somehow we started talking about it and she told me about the doctor mentioned it and I was just like "uh yeah you REALLY should have done that"