'AITA for telling my wife she has 24 hours to get our sitter back or she can go to her work event solo?'

"AITA for telling my wife she has 24 hours to get our sitter back or she can go to her work event on her own?"

I've been in a same-s-x marriage for 15 years and we've had our ups and downs. Right now is a very low down. We decided to have a child and have an 10yo son named Lee. We were both aware that it would be very important to that Lee have a solid male presence in his life. When he was 5, we hired a sitter named Cody who was in college. He has been with us for six years.

Cody has become the closest thing to a dad that Lee has. Lee has a guy who he feels safe asking questions and sharing things that he doesn't with his moms. At the beginning of the summer, Cody said he was diagnosed with leukemia. Our first thoughts were of him. My wife Debra started to look for a sitter who could fill in if Cody couldn't work.

There were a couple of people who we liked, all applicants were females. We decided to let one spend a few hours with our son to see if they got along. Lee was NOT having it. It just so happened that Cody was going to take Lee on a hike that day and Debra didn't think about that. So what happened was that Cody came over and met the "new" sitter.

He did take our son on a hike on Saturday and then quit because apparently we had already found his "replacement." He said that he went to the sitter website where we found him and saw our ad and was insulted that we were offering more money for a new sitter than what we were paying him.

I was very confused because Debra was supposed to have told him that if he needed time off for treatment then do not worry because we'll find a sub. Also Debra is the one who pays him and I was under the assumption he was being paid more than what he was.

Well Debra never told him that he wasn't being replaced because she didn't think it would be an issue and has been paying him the same rate for the last few years because he never "asked" for more money even though she could afford it ($15 an hour in Oceanside CA).

I was livid. She wanted me to smooth things over because I have a better relationship with him but I said this is all on you. Lee is very aware of what's happening and how you handle this will affect what kind of person he becomes.

I said you need to win him back even if he decides later on that he doesn't want to do the job anymore. If you don't then I won't go to your work's annual event next week and I'll just stay home with Lee and babysit. We argued all weekend about this before she called him up. I told her to admit that she took him for granted all these years and wanted him to come back and would offer him more money.

I told her she's on the hook for the extra money because she agreed from day one to absorb that cost as I pay for other things. She thinks I'm overreacting and taking it too seriously. He hasn't replied and I think the damage has been done. I'm just disgusted with this. I don't want our son thinking this is how you treat people.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

According-Let3541 wrote:

YTA - I would E S H but I don’t want to include Cody in the blame for this situation. I cannot fathom how you decided that a babysitter would be your child’s male role model and father figure and didn’t think to discuss pay and terms properly. He’s clearly taking on more than a babysitting role - he sounds closer to a nanny so should be paid commensurately.

You’ve clearly taken advantage of Cody as much as your wife by asking for a bigger emotional commitment and investment from him than you’re willing to pay for - I’ve got qualms about paying for a father figure in the first place, but if you’re giving an employee a role in the upbringing and parenting of your child, then you better pay them fairly.

The fact you still refer to him as a babysitter tells me that you don’t fully appreciate how much you’re underpaying him - he needs a proper contract with pay and benefits if you want this much from him.

imfinewithastraw wrote:

YTA. 6 years as sitter and you don’t know what he gets paid?! You both should have sat down with him to discuss how you would best be able to help him and how you’d manage the situation for your son. For him to find out from a job ad that you were already looking for a replacement is unreal!

Your son obviously has a family type relationship with him and he’s been treated by you both as cheap labor. You both hired and paid him - your wife is awful but you should have both made decisions together on pay increase. And if you had the better relationship then you should have had the sensitive conversation about how to manage your needs whilst supporting him through his illness.

Business-Wealth3483 wrote:

ESH. She wasn’t very sympathetic, but it doesn’t sound like you guys are a team. She’s responsive for the ad, she’s responsible for talking to him, she’s responsible for pay. Oh, and she's responsible for the person Lee will become. Not to say she didn’t mess up, and she should fix, but you speak of her like you aren’t a team.

PhilosopherNo6048 wrote:

YTA- both of yall are. You’ve shared a bed and home for 15 years, yet you still split expenses like you are not doing life fully together. As a couple, as a team, it is your communication, collaboration, and working together to solve problems that determine what kind of person your child will be - not how much you pay the hired help.

If you’re concerned about your child having a male father figure, it should be a person who isn’t paid to be the child’s life. Find a male friend or relative that can fill that role. You are trying to hire a babysitter. Furthermore, if Cody was so important to your family, why wouldn’t you give him a raise every other year?

This situation is on both of you. Given the change in family dynmatic (new sibling, Cody sick/quitting) your 10-year-old would benefit from therapy. Frankly, you both sound like couples counseling would beneficial since the way you’re handling this is that of someone with one foot out the door.

Shikimasan wrote:

ESH. Your immediate concern was for the potential inconvenience to your family and not what you could do to help someone you say is de facto family. Instead of, say, sitting down and having a conversation about how you all could work around his illness or what you might be able to do for him as a family, considering your son's close relationship, your first instinct was to find a replacement ASAP.

It seems like you don't communicate well with each other or with him, and if I were Cody, I would be devastated to be treated that way after everything he has done for you, on top of grappling with the diagnosis.

And then to see my position advertised for more money...that is some cold s-t. Also, even if your wife is to blame, you should face the music as a team, not throw her to the wolves. This man was more than just an employee; he was fulfilling a role in your family (at least to Lee), and you both treated him shamefully.