'AITA for telling my wife who cheated on me I will only reconcile if she tells everything to our daughter?'
"AITAH for telling my wife who cheated on me I will only reconcile if she tells everything to our daughter?"
My wife and I have been married for 16 years and together for 20. We have a daughter who’s 15. Last month, my wife confessed to cheating on me in a one night stand during a business trip.
She was really remorseful about everything, and promised every possible reconciliation step. But this was obviously a huge shock and heartbreak to me and I needed time to think about it. I went back and forth a lot on whether I wanted to leave my wife.
There was obviously a lot of tension in the house and our daughter noticed it and asked questions but we were just quiet about everything. However, after taking 3 weeks to think about it, I decided I wanted to make it work given my wife would follow all the reconciliation steps. However, I also told my wife she had to tell our daughter what she did, and that our daughter deserved to know the truth.
My daughter was really close with her, and my wife was really hesitant about it as she was worried this would damage their relationship. However, I told my wife given her moral failings, she had to do this as a test of her character (i.e being truthful), if she wanted to stay in this relationship.
After taking a couple of days to think about it, my wife told our daughter everything that happened. It hasn’t affected their relationship too much, as far as I can notice, which makes me happy, but my daughter does seem a bit more reserved towards her mom. Was I the AH?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Dizzy-Sun-2407 wrote:
Ugh, my parents did this. My mom even read the sexts between my dad and his mistress. It was extremely traumatic.
0512052000 wrote:
Do not involve children in your marital issue. Have you any idea of what you're actually asking. You're punishing your wife by hiring your daughter. Listen don't get me wrong i hate cheaters. I'm sorry that happened but this isn't the way to go. You tell your daughter that you both love her and that you are working through adult problems that don't concern her but everything will be OK.
Your daughter is at such a tricky age so if you want your daughter to go out and deal with this in harmful ways that will f up her life then go ahead. You need to get into therapy asap.
ProfessionalTwo7571 wrote:
Just divorce man, your wife ruined the family but you doubled down on it by involving the kid. There is only going to be festered resentment from all three parties moving forward, and you played a part in that. A split family is better for the kid than a broken one masquerading as whole.
SpiritedImplement4 wrote:
So... you're putting your kid in the middle of your marriage problems. That's a pretty big YTA.
humcohugh wrote:
Your daughter had nothing to do with this and doesn’t need to be dragged down into, especially at 15. YTA.
deathboyuk wrote:
This is something that could really traumatise the kid and it sounds like you did it out of spite to get even. Which isn't OK as it affects a child. At the minimum, you should have involved some sort of therapist or guidance counselor. But you needed your pound of flesh. So yes. Despite her having done you wrong, doing THIS makes you an AH, so everyone (except your daughter) sucks here. ESH.
StatisticianGreat993 wrote:
YTA for dragging your kid into it. If you eventually divorce, that’s when you tell her why, but if you’re trying to reconcile, you’ve now set up your daughter to not trust your wife. Not a good family dynamic.
TongueTwistingTiger wrote:
Is it f--ed up to cheat? Yep. Is it f---ed up to want to use that cheating to turn your child against their parent? ABSOLUTELY.
ESH except for that poor child who deserves better.
KLG999 wrote:
Reconcilng after cheating is absolutely possible. It may change the relationship but it happens all the time and couples move past it. But when the hurt party demands some type of public humiliation from their partner to “try” to reconcile, it is a huge sign they really have no intention to reconcile long term.
You got your pound of flesh to punish her. Now be honest with yourself, wife, daughter and move forward. If you can’t/won’t truly put this behind you, don’t drag it out Right or wrong, you no longer have a say in the relationship between your daughter and her mother.
brandimperiordh12 wrote:
My dad cheated on my mom when I was 4 and my mom told me…I’m 30 years old and it still affects me to this very day knowing that information.
I would let your daughter be a child for as long as possible. Either work through it or move on but do not ruin your daughter’s life over this.
stegosaurid wrote:
INFO: Have you involved a marriage counsellor? It seems not, because I doubt they would ever advise dragging a 15 year old into the middle of your marital issues. You could have told her you were having issues and are working them out and then maybe when you’ve dealt with it as two adults, you tell her the back story.
Honestly, based on what you’ve said YTA, because your first responsibility as a parent is doing what’s in the best interest of your child. It seems more like you wanted to shame your wife and recruit your daughter to your side. I don’t see how dumping the news on your child helps her.
JazziR1 wrote:
NTA for holding your wife accountable.
The entire situation is tough and uncomfortable. Since you've decided to work it out, daughter will get a front row seat to: accountability, forgiveness, and rebuilding trust after betrayal.
It's not a fun lesson to learn or view. Maybe therapy is an option for all three of you (in different combos: solo x3, marriage, family). Each of you are teaching her a different life lesson:
• You: forgiveness, healing through betrayal & rebuilding trust.
• Your wife: accountability, consideration, & rebuilding trust
There is no right way to deliver or not deliver the news of betrayal. The right answer was staying faithful.