I (33m) have an 8 year old daughter Ella with my ex and I have full custody of her. I'm married to Laura (30f) and we have two kids together. Ella's mom is a train wreck, booze, dr-gs, arrests and a lot of personal issues. She has not seen Ella for around a year now.
She did have supervised visits ordered by the court but she didn't always make those due to hospitalizations, being locked up and such. I've been dating Laura since Ella was 2. So she's very familiar with Laura. But she doesn't call her mom and she still loves her mom and wishes her mom would get better and be a real mom to her. I have her in therapy to help her process everything.
Laura knew how things were when we started dating and she knew how it was when we got married. I always made it clear that my priority was Ella's safety, health and happiness and I told her I understood if it got to be too much and she didn't want to commit. But she said she was on board for it all.
Only now she's tired of my ex reappearing every so often and she wants to adopt Ella so my ex can't have any access ever again. She does love Ella and sees her as hers just as much as mine. But the main reason she's being so forceful is severing my ex's rights would get her out of the picture until Ella's 18 and chooses to look for her mom on her own. Laura says this is what's best for her and for all of us.
But Ella doesn't want to be adopted by Laura. Even if her mom never gets better, she doesn't want to be adopted. I respect this and I won't force it. But Laura isn't happy. She said we have the other two kids to think of as well and how Ella might pull away from us if her mom causes more trouble in the future, she might choose her over us.
I said that could happen even if she adopts her. And I said it will definitely happen if we force this. Laura and I have discussed this numerous times now and she told me she doesn't see our marriage surviving if I won't talk Ella around or let her do it, or get a therapist who will.
She said she will not keep being just the stepmom when Ella's mom won't put her first, while she has been and doesn't get the benefit of legal stability of adoption. She said I only had two options and needed to decide which I wanted. I told her to divorce me then because I'm not forcing the adoption on Ella.
Laura didn't expect my answer and she told me she thought I'd offer to speak to Ella more. That I clearly don't care about our marriage. I said I do but she gave me two options and one option never happening. And I can't control if she divorces me for it. AITA?
fluffy_sheepy wrote:
NTA. I understand Laura's feelings. It is heartbreaking to watch a kid be disappointed by a sh*tty parent over and over again. And also she probably doesn't want Ella's mom around her own kids, which is something that will happen as long as Ella's mom has any visitation rights. So I get it, I get her wanting Ella's mom out of the picture.
But at the end of the day this is about what Ella wants, and she doesn't want this. You are right that you can't force her to just abandon her mother and accept Laura as her mom. And you're right that trying to force the issue will only cause resentment and make Ella MORE likely to pull away in the future instead of less.
OP responded:
I understand it too. It kills me that my ex won't get help so she can be around in a healthier way for Ella. Ella deserves that. She deserves so much better than she's got from her mom.
I hate how much this has hurt her and I hate knowing that Ella is possibly going to always carry some hurt from this, because I suspect the love she has for her mom will always exist in some form even if her feelings evolve with age. If I could save her from it I would. But not at the risk of causing even more pain and breaking her trust.
Ablestrawberry4ever wrote:
INFO: does it wildly destabilize Ella when her mom pops up? Is Laura the main person picking up the pieces? I’ve known children with dysfunctional parents who desperately love their parent and cry out for them, but when they interact with each other it is torture. They go back to normal life after awhile, then the next visit ruins the peace again. Are you seeing any of that?
OP responded:
Ella does struggle with it. She enjoys them but also gets upset because she realizes it's not going to be consistent. Laura is not the main person picking up the pieces. If there was a main person it would be me. But Laura is there offering support and helping too.
justtirediguess wrote:
NTA. You're putting Ella’s feelings first, which is exactly what a good parent should do. She’s been through enough, and forcing an adoption she doesn’t want would only hurt her more. Laura’s frustration is understandable, she loves Ella and wants legal security, but pushing this against Ella’s will isn’t fair.
You were upfront from the start about your priorities, and now she’s giving ultimatums. You didn’t choose divorce; she did by making it the only other option. If she can’t accept that Ella’s feelings matter most, that’s on her.
KorakiSaros wrote:
I think this is honestly above the internet's pay grade but y'all should have been in family therapy not just your daughter in therapy. Your wife has legit concerns about your ex who is from what I am reading and unreliable parent and potentially bad influence for your daughter.
That said if you are in the USA your wife can't adopt the daughter without the other parent giving up her rights and I doubt she will do that without a fight.
Instead of constantly arguing for your daughter's feelings (which I'm glad you are respecting but her feelings are likely still based on a hope that her mom will get better and you all will be a family) perhaps you'd done better explaining it wouldn't be possible legally either because her mother has legal right to visitation and other parental rights.
NTA obviously but your wife is justified in not wanting a dr-g addict constantly visiting and for her concerns about how it affects not just your daughter but her children.