'AITA for telling my wife she's making my life harder than it needs to be?'

"AITA for telling my wife she's making my life harder than it needs to be?"

So here's the thing, I (30M) and my wife (32F) are expecting our second baby, she's having a high risk pregnancy so she's bedridden, she's been bedridden for 2 months now. I have a remote job with incredibly flexible hours, so I've been taking care of my wife, my toddler, the house and my job during this time.

Lately, my wife is getting more "needy" she asks for things that are too time consuming or asks me for things that are just distractions like, go to the store for ice cream, change my pillows, go play with the kid like I usually do. I asked her to let me work because lately I hadn't been filling my 8 hours a day quota because of all the things she asks me to do, plus my job, plus cooking, plus taking care of the kid.

Today, I had a meeting, it was important and I asked her to please don't bother me during the meeting, but somehow, she managed to generate a short circuit that fried the bedroom TV, panicked and made my kid panic and started bleeding from the stress, I had to call the meeting short and got reprimanded at my job, had to check what else got damaged, calmed down my kid and cleaned up my wife.

I'm the sole bread earner at the house and money is tight, I got stressed about losing our main source of income and I snapped at her. I asked her what the hell was her problem and why did she needed to make my life so hard. She started crying and called me an AH, then called her parents who came and picked her up calling me an AH as well.

I understand that pregnancy is hard and high risk pregnancy is harder, but I just asked for 1 hour not to be bothered, was that too much to ask? Am I the AH? By the way, if you were wondering what caused the short , she plugged in an electric mosquito swatter and spilled her water while it was turned on.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Holiday_Trainer_2657 wrote:

NAH It's a very stressful situation for you all. You need help as you can't afford to lose your job (which probably also includes your insurance.) Can anyone provide some assistance or child care while you work?

OP responded:

I asked her parents but they were "busy" (until tonight I guess) , my parents are too far away so I was on my own.

ExpertPain430 wrote:

NTA. Shes high risk, she's not stupid and disabled. She should have just chilled out for 1 hour. And ice cream is really not a priority. Shes pregnant, but that doesnt mean all shit goes out the window. If you lose your job, then what? Who is going to pay for the bills?

Your in laws could have stepped in WAAAAY before this and help out, but no, they didnt. They really arent in any position to judge you. In fact, why didnt they offer to help in the first place. This is all just too much for one person to deal with.

EDIT: OP clarified that "I yelled at her because she didn't need to use the swatter, it didn't need charging, she just was bored and she was poking around the bed what could she do from there.".

Wife 100% caused the accident. While OP doesnt understand that a little spotting is already concerning, neither does the wife because she's going around doing tasks that dont need attention, instead of following doctors orders.

sephyir wrote:

NAH. This is not an AH situation, it's a situation where both of you are a very justifiably stressed and at you limits. Your wife isn't making unreasonable demands or purposefully making your life harder, but you also clearly need some time to calm down and relax. Maybe your wife's parents or another family member can come help regularly to relieve some of the pressure.

SnarkySeaHorse1103 wrote:

NTA. And by that I mean nobody is the AH. OP is shouldering a s0t ton of work, an ill and pregnant wife, and worst of all a toddler all on his own. Sounds like thunderous chaos to me. Working from home also proves an issue because now there is no line drawn between work and your household responsibilities. OP is not able to focus on either and everyone ends up dissatisfied.

Not to mention that OP probably feels incredibly alone and burdened in this marriage. OP's wife is also in a hell of an environment. Nobody wants to be bedridden and swollen with child. When my wife was pregnant I learnt that there is so much more to it than a baby developing in the womb. The mother's hormones are all over the place, her body is stretching and groaning from the changes.

She is constantly ill, sore, and in pain. Her confidence dips and skyrockets, she can go from borderline well to fully depressed, then bored in seconds. That is simply a regular pregnancy, imagine a high risk bed-ridden one. Nobody likes being fully reliant on another person.

These two people are going through hell right now, and not to mention the oblivious toddler who only wants to play and hold both parents' undivided attention. The child as well is undoubtedly affected by this imbalance in the household. OP is exhausted and easily irritable, the wife is pregnant and easily irritable. Both are emotional and at their wits end, especially OP. It is not an easy place to be in.

OP, you've been doing good thus far and I commend you for still pulling through even when all else feels like its falling apart. But I genuinely think you both need external help. I know you mentioned elsewhere that you cannot afford a babysitter, but do you have friends or relatives that can lend a hand? Almost nobody can do it alone, I know damn well I couldn't.

Don't listen to other comments jumping to divorce and calling you the AH. You're at your wits end. Sure, she spilled some water, but that's just the straw that broke the camel's back. I know it's probably an accumulation of different small stressors that caused you to explode on her, and her emotional reaction is also justified seeing that she is in a fragile state.

You need some backup, and urgently too. These small things can end up weighing on you deeply and cause you to behave in ways that are outside of your normal personality. Don't risk losing yourself or your marriage, have a deep conversation with your wife.

Express how sorry you are that you exploded on her and how you empathize with her situation, but also make it known clearly that you are exhausted and you don't have a million hands and fingers to do everything and reach everyone at the same time. She'll have to sacrifice the little things like the ice-cream and your presence, at least for a little while whilst you tend to other things.

Make sure she understands that you are breaking too. You both need to discuss deeply and try to find out where you can get some help, because although you seem angry and tired now OP, you could very easily slip into a mental breakdown and fall into depression.

Don't risk it. This is a precarious situation and your health and mental well-being are on the line. If you are not in a good place, how can you even keep everyone else well and happy? Talk to her and be honest about how you're feeling. I hope she's understanding.

issakate responded:

NAH

The most sane comment. I wholeheartedly agree. This is an awful situation for both of you. If your wife's parents can step up and get her while you're arguing, perhaps they can come sit with her throughout the day while you work.

I definitely think you need to have an open and frank discussion with your wife. This is a breaking point for all of you, and it needs to be handled with extra love and compassion. Apologize for your outburst. Emotions are high, and this is a stressful time. Work together to support one another instead of working against each other. Explain the stress you are under and how it is actually making you feel.

Express that you need help and brainstorm together for solutions. Empathize that your wife is going through a terrifying pregnancy and has little support throughout the day besides you. I'm sure she is just as frustrated that she can't do the things she normally can. Good luck OP. I sincerely hope you are able to come to a solution.

tm0587 wrote:

NTA but slightly going towards ESH. All those voting YTA seems to be ignoring the fact that OP is the sole breadwinner AND will be jobless if the situation continues, since he's already getting reprimanded for his work. I also don't see OP ignoring his wife or not taking care of her. He's asking for some time to WORK, so he can bring in money which doesn't fall from the sky.

He's not asking for time to relax, or to go out with friends, it's to WORK. Lastly, I get it that the wife has a difficult pregnancy, but unless it's for a real emergency, OP should be allowed to WORK and provide for his family. I swear...those who vote YTA must not understand what being a sole breadwinner means.

ichirin-no-hana wrote:

OP is NTA for struggling.

But there's lots of immature AHs replying to him.

Pregnant women can't do any heavy lifting, especially with heavy bleeding. Some people in this comment section have no idea how hard it is for OP's wife in her current condition and just think she can prance around the house collecting ice cream deliveries and changing pillows by herself.

Fetal haemoglobin has a different composition to the adult mother's haemoglobin which allows babies to receive oxygen better than the mother. OP's wife is breathless, tired and has a baby pushing up against all her organs PLUS she has all of the additional complexities of being high risk. OP is working hard, he just needs some help with his wife and the other child. It's stressful for them all.

Everyone's pregnancies are different - people can be forgetful or unbalanced or make poor judgements due to hormones, the additional weight and stress. OP's wife also has the psychological element of seeing lots of blood come from her whilst she's pregnant - it can be really upsetting (yes, even if women get periods, this type of bleeding has more emotional weight given that she's carrying a child).

Have some empathy for them both. She can't do as much as some of you are saying. OP needs to find extra help from somewhere - some maternity groups may do house visits for mental health etc., so look into that.