'AITA for thinking my BF has been acting strange since finding out his ex is getting married?' UPDATED

"AITA for thinking my boyfriend has been acting strange since finding out his ex is getting married?"

We've been together for three years. Before we got together he dated his ex for four or five years (I don't know exactly). They broke up because of his job and he moved here. We started dating pretty soon, like a few months, after they broke up but he assured me he was over her. He never likes talking about her or their relationship at all.

So I guess she got engaged recently and he found out from one of his friends who lives in his home state. And I've been shocked because he's really upset, acting out of character about it and not communicating with me at all. I pried it out of him because one day he came home with a bottle of hard liquor and drank and he never drinks.

And I kept saying what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong and he just wanted to be in his office by himself. So eventually later after asking repeatedly he tells me and says that it's a "mindf-k" and he never thought about her dating after him. But won't talk about it further. But he's still acting weird. Then two things happened that have made me very uncomfortable:

He out of the blue started talking about going back to his home state to visit his step father. He has never brought this up ever before. They talk sometimes but he's never shown interest in going back. So I said that would be cool I'd love to see your high school and where you grew up and he said actually he was thinking of going solo just for a couple of days.

So then last night after he goes to sleep I got a weird feeling and went on his phone. And I found that he'd been asking friends from his old state to get him her new number, because he wants to talk to her. And he said he wants to say congratulations and one of his friends told him it's not a good idea and he said he just really wants to talk to her. I feel hurt and devastated and even a little betrayed.

Why does he have to say congratulations to someone who hasn't been in his life for years? Like if they stayed friendly I wouldn't have cared. But it's scaring me how much this is affecting him. I love him so much, I knew from early on he was the one and I thought he thinks I'm the one too. Then another part of me thinks I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Everything has been perfect before this, I never felt like he hid things or that we had communication issues. But if he just wanted to say congrats why wouldn't he add her on social media and tell me about it? And why does he suddenly want to go home suddenly now. And now I'm wondering why we've never talked about her but we've talked about my exes and other girls he dated in HS and college?

The internet did not hold back their thoughts.

Teacher_investor wrote:

He wasn't over her. They didn't break up because they were no longer in love. They broke up because he relocated for a job, and she didn't want to or couldn't come with him. He wants to see her again and see if they can work things out, and to try to stop her from marrying someone else.

Sorry, OP, but you're a placeholder. Or maybe he will ask you to marry him if his ex tells him there's no chance of getting back together, but how would that make you feel to be 2nd choice?

YuansMoon wrote:

He's not going to say congratulations. He's going because he has unfinished emotional business with her. Unfortunately, you don't know what it is. It could be that he needs to say how devastated he was when she didn't come with him and felt abandoned by her or if he's going to propose to her. Whatever it is, it is not an ant hill. It is a mountain for him and you.

I'm sure he feels like he can't talk to you about it, which I understand, but you might want to tell him that if he wants there to be any chance of you being here (or the locks not being changed) when he returns, then he needs to get honest before he leaves.

Iheartdaregion wrote:

He never lost feelings for this woman and was probably using you as a placeholder until he could get her back. He got into a relationship with you to keep his mind off of her. Sorry you are going through this but you should probably just end it.

Upset_Researcher_143 wrote:

Acting strange?!? He's acting like he plans to go see her and tell her he still loves her. I'm sorry but there's unresolved feelings there if he wants to go solo, and he plans on seeing her to try and stop her. Everything that you've described in this post indicates that he is going to see her and profess his love for her.

The next day, OP shared an update.

After reading through all the comments and digging myself out of the little pit of denial and self-pity I was in, I confronted my boyfriend with the phone messages and asked why he wanted to talk to his ex and why he suddenly wanted to visit his step dad. He was trying to go see her and talk to her.

I won't get into everything that was said because it's a lot, but broad strokes: He said he loves me and he hadn't thought about his ex in a long time on purpose, it was too painful. But he does consider her the one that got away. They broke up because he wanted to move for his job. Their relationship had been strained because he dedicated more time to building his career then to her.

He said it brought back up a lot of painful feelings and memories and he flipped. He said he loves me but he still loves her. I asked him if she were to call him tomorrow and say come back to me, would you, and he said he can't tell me no. For the people concerned about the nature of the break up, I talked to a friend of his on the phone. He was the one who wouldn't give her new number.

He confirmed the details of the story my boyfriend gave me, and I even purposefully messed up some to see if he would correct me and he did (maybe I am more manipulative then I thought).

Her getting a new number wasn't caused by my boyfriend but they were solidly no contact. I asked the friend if he thought they'd be married now if my boyfriend hadn't screwed the pooch and he said yes. It's been a lot to process for me. I can't really think of anything else to update. Thanks for all the advice and comments on my previous post.

The commenters had OP's back.

Away-Understanding34 wrote:

I really hope you walked away from him now. He's literally telling you that you are in 2nd place and always will be. You deserve better.

OP responded:

Yeah but he's my first place. I don't want to put another man in my situation but reversed. I know people think it sounds pathetic. But that's where I'm at right now. I'm not making any decisions. Just processing.

Significant_Taro_690 wrote:

Do you really want to stay with him knowing you are just a second choice backup?

OP responded:

I don't know. I know that's not the answer people want me to give but I genuinely don't.

Start46 wrote:

At least you found out now before you wasted anymore time on him. Obviously she has moved on since she is getting married and hasn't tried to contact him. If he does go to try and talk to her I'm almost positive he will end up embarrassing himself and then come home and be lonely. Please don't take him back. He took a gamble and it's not going to play out the way he thought.

waterfallsnmoss22 wrote:

I could be wrong but - when you leave him and get with someone else he will a few years from now be trying to reach you. He sounds like someone who messes things up and then romanticizes the past instead of enjoying the good relationship in the present. The fact his friends are denying him her number is a red flag.

On the one hand I’m glad he’s since been honest with you so you can take that information and make a decision instead of just wondering. Good luck. If this didn’t work out it doesn’t mean you failed in any way or that you didn’t love each other, but I do think you deserve someone more emotionally mature and who values you to the point where anyone else feels like “settling”.