'AITA for throwing out my SIL and her family after they made a giant mess?' UPDATED 4X

"AITAH for throwing out my SIL and her family?"

Editor's Note: THIS IS LONG. I'm going to give a little family background to preface this and make it easier to follow as OP drops more in the comments and it can get confusing. Feel free to skip if you want to read organically.

OP's husband has two brothers and one sister:

- Oldest brother has several children with three currently living at home. OP usually watches their youngest child, a 6 year old daughter, after school. She usually refers to the mom as "oldest wife."

- Youngest brother and his wife have a newborn baby. She also refers to this one as younger brother.

- The story mainly deals with her husband's only sister who has EIGHT children and is currently homeless. She refers to her as SIL throughout.

Now the post:

My husband has two brothers and one sister. His sister and her husband are not my favorite people in the world. Recently they have been couch surfing as they lost their home (looong story which could have been avoided if they had adulted like they should have). First, they stayed with my in laws but they used the excuse that my FIL has diabetes to get rid of them and their rowdy children.

Next was his older brother and his wife. They had two spare rooms as two of their older children moved out a year ago and they only have the six-year-old and their 13-year-old twins at home. After three weeks they had to move out due to a planned refurbishment. They were happy with them as they were generally tidy and helped out in the home.

The youngest brother was the next to take them in. While my SIL was there she helped out in the home and kept her children on a leash. The youngest brothers wife is very house proud, and she allowed them to stay for a limited time only as they have had a baby recently and her mother will be staying with them to help out for the first six months.

Then they emotionally manipulated my husband to say okay. I agreed to it on the condition that she and her husband as well as their children keep the place clean because in the past the only place they are messy in is my home.

For example, if they are throwing something into the kitchen bin, they will throw it in the general direction of it and not in the actual bin. It's extra gross when it's food stuff that dries up and stinks out the place. Similar things happened in the past where she would leave her sanitary towels on top of the bin lid in the bathroom instead of in the bin.

Her oldest daughter started her periods recently and I asked the younger brother's wife how things were for tidiness. She said she had no complaints. They went to bed on time and kept the place clean. However, they were there for only two weeks. They are always tidy at the other houses, I know this from experience too.

During Christmas and summer holidays when we stay over at each other's places I have seen the difference in how they are at my place and the other places. Before they moved in I made the younger brother, and my parents in laws witnesses to them agreeing to keeping my house as clean as it is and to chip in with chores.

If they broke the rules they would be out immediately. She fussed and denied past wrongdoings but said as you wish your highness sarcastically. The first five days were smooth sailing. This morning I found a sanitary towel on top of the bin and not even wrapped properly. That is not all.

Her daughter is staying in my daughter's room and she made a mess of the shampoo and conditioner in her bathroom and had left a tampon on the side of the sink forgetting it from last night. Her husband leaves early for work and the kitchen was a mess when I finally got downstairs. I have a curious toddler and I don't want him to pick up a bloodied sanitary towel.

I knocked on the guest room and told her to pack her stuff and get out. She looked angry and tried to play innocent. She said it was only some blood and to chuck it in the bin if it bothered me so much. I told her no and picked up her suitcase throwing their stuff in it.

At first, she wouldn't leave the house saying she was going to wait for her brother as she doesn't take orders from me, but I told her this house belongs to me too. I dropped her and her youngest ones off at my in laws. A few hours ago her husband came back from work and when I wouldn't let him in he made a scene. He went to my in laws, but they don't want them there due to FIL "illness."

When my husband returned from work my in laws turned up in our driveway with her and her family within twenty minutes. They are still standing outside and squabbling about being let in. I refuse to open the door and told my husband if he backed down he wasn't welcome in our home either. So, the family thinks AITAH because I have never liked her and am using any excuse to get rid of her.

Soon after posting, OP jumped on with a comment about whether SIL is potentially jealous of her.

I'd say I look average. I'm slighty taller than her at 5"8'. She is 5"6'. She is slightly bigger than me, but then again she has been pregnant eight times. I have only had three pregnancies. She is a medium length bleach blonde hair. I have kept my natural red (long now) all my life as chemicals irritate my skin and scalp.

She looks ok. Not supermodel material, but neither am I. She has bossed about her brothers, all of them not just my husband. My husband is the only one that has given into everyones whims and he has done less and less of that since we got together as he wanted to spend more time with me and our family.

Commenters kept it real in response.

Mobile_Prune_3207 wrote:

I would have taken photos of the sanitary items left out, and sent it on a giant group chat saying anyone who thinks you're a monster for having a problem with this is more than happy to come and clean it themselves, or host the family themselves. NTA.

LadyCoru wrote:

Clearly she's doing it on purpose because SHE doesn't like YOU. There's no way that they are perfect guests everywhere else but wreck your house without it being intentional.

OP responded:

That is exactly what I told my husband. He says maybe excuse them this once and if they do it again give them consequences.

cathline wrote:

You don't have a SIL - you have a HUSBAND problem.

It sounds like your husband would be okay with your toddler picking up a used a tampon and taking a taste (like toddlers do).

There is a good chance they were NOT cleaning up after themselves at the other homes. Because there was a very convenient pre-existing disease, then a "refurbishment", then another family member staying for 6 months. I'm willing to bet the others lied to you so you would be stuck with her. Her choice to f* around and find out. NTA.

tuna-tofu wrote:

NTA-You are my new hero! Honestly, you never agreed to any of this. You tried it, it didnt work. It doesnt sound like any of them are really making any effort to find a new permanent home. How long do they think they can couch surf with kids? Wont they have to go to school some time soon?

OP responded:

The children are in school. Which is why they are not going to her husband's side to get help. They live on the other side of the country. They haven't paid rent to anyone because they are saving up. Everyone so far who has helped them out have paid for their groceries and utilities. In return they have behaved at the other two brothers houses but not at my place.

tuna-tofu wrote:

Behaving is the price of having a roof. They didn't pay so they have to go. It's possible they can afford a place but are now choosing not to because your house is free and free is always better than spending money.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Quick update.

Yesterday my driveway looked like a scene from some Mexican standoff. They were out there discussing the matter while I refused to go out and engage. After two hours, yes two whole hours they left.

They are currently at my in laws, but they made a promise to return to discuss the matter tomorrow as everyone will be home from work, and that way we could all find a workable solution. Well, at least that is what my husband relayed. When my husband got inside I told him that I would not have them in my house. I told him that he could clean up after them.

Which he did. After cleaning up he asked me why I made him do that. I told him I was just as grossed out over other people's bodily fluids as he was, and unlike him, I wasn't biologically related to them. So if he found it unsavory, imagine how s-ty I felt in the past cleaning up after them. He promised to buy a new bin and bleached the sink three times.

Our strategy for tomorrow is that under no circumstances are they coming to live with us. His niece will be made to clean up the bathroom shampoo and conditioner mess. He left that part for her. In the meantime, our daughter can use our shower.

We'll see how this turns out tomorrow.

Commenters were quick to respond.

emjkr wrote:

GOOD!! Stand your grund on this! Sounds like SIL wants to mess with you and has instructed her daughter to do the same. And wtf, why is your husband asking why HE should clean? The question should be why he thinks YOU should?!

Beck2010 wrote:

If I were you, I would NOT let the niece back into the house. Yes, she made the mess, but the whole point is to get them OUT. Not let them back in to clean. Bite the b-llet and clean up the niece’s mess. No reason to reenter your home if the mess is taken care of. (Have hubby clean up the mess.)

The_Crown_And_Anchor wrote:

I had a buddy who was temporarily homeless for about 6 weeks. He crashed on my couch. I barely knew the dude lived there. He'd be up and out the door before I left for work. Sheets and blankets on the couch would be neatly folded, his bags would be stacked in a corner, and the bathroom would be same as it would have been if I was the only one living here.

He knew I was doing him a solid so he was respectful of my home and my space. One would think that if you and your family were technically homeless, that you would not be such inconsiderate slobs.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

Yesterday was a long day at my in-laws. We went early to get it over and done with. My in laws started with the guilt trip first. They mentioned that they would take them in until they found a place, but due to FIL diabetes, it wouldn't be good for his health. I told them to tell their daughter to parent her children so they wouldn't run around amok like monkeys.

That way they could stay with them as they have spare bedrooms. That didn't land well with SIL. She went on a tirade about how I have always been jealous of her and that I was trying to drive a wedge between her and her brother. I told her she didn't like her own life so me being jealous of her and her life was a stretch that required suspension of reality.

She asked my husband if he was okay with me telling him what to do with his family as he always stays out of my family's business. She told him to lay down the law and tell me that his sister and her family would stay AS LONG AS IT TOOK THEM to find a new place to stay. My husband was having none of that. He told her that the house was mine just as much his and it was a two yes and one no deal.

Just because I was stay at home now didn't mean that I didn't contribute to buying the house when I was working.

The younger brother and his wife said they wouldn't be able to host them as they had his MIL staying due to the baby.

The older ones mentioned the refurbishments.

Both the younger and the older ones' wives said that I was making it up about the cleanliness as she always kept her own house clean and kept their places clean. They told me to suck it up and act like family.

I told them I wasn't there to argue about her cleanliness as I saw what I saw and her brother was witness to it and had to clean it up. He confirmed that he did and that I wasn't making it up. My SIL slipped up and said, why did you clean it up to her brother, because according to her I was meant to clean it up. Either she is the dumbest b alive to admit it or she knows she has the whole family in her pocket.

Either way, I made it clear she wasn't going to stay with me and because she got along much better with everyone else in the family they would figure out something around their own lives. My husband told his niece that she was old enough to clean up the remaining mess, but she said no.

Her father jumped in and said she is your niece, but my daughter don't you dare tell her what to do. It got heated between them so they both had to walk it off. I told her and her husband that the only reason me and my husband were there was to get money back for the bin we had to throw out due to her sprinkling biohazards around the house.

She laughed in my face and said it would never happen. I said fine. I hope you realise that when I threw you out I didn't pack all your belongings. I still had her daughter's Switch, her husband's and her two younger ones' tablets and some of her jewelry, and a few other bits and pieces as it all happened so quickly that day. It would all be sold to recuperate my cost.

We left, but she was yelling loudly about what she would do to me if I dared to sell anything. My husband has my back and he said go ahead and sell whatever you need to. Later on, they kept texting my husband to do them one last favor by putting up with her for a few months until she got back on her feet.

I told him that no matter what I wouldn't agree to let her, her slobby husband, and her horde of children back in. They texted me too, guilting me about his niece's education. With no place to stay close to her school, she might have to start at another school if they get a rental which isn't in the school zone.

I texted back tough luck and blocked them. My husband won't block his parents but was pissed at his brothers for telling him that he was selfish to not take them in as they were in a hard place in their lives. They did admit it was gross but excused her behavior by texting that maybe I did something to aggravate it.

To top this off, the oldest wife left a voice message through her husband's number to my husband's whatsapp. She said, I kid you not...." you are still ok to watch ***** (her 6 year old) on Tuesdays and Wednesdays like usual". I told him to say, "Figure out what the answer to that request is". So that is where we are at now.

The comments kept coming.

ravywave wrote:

Good for your husband sticking up for and backing you up! I can’t believe the audacity of this family still expecting you to watch their child after all this.

OP responded:

The SIL is not asking me to watch her child. The older brother's wife wants me to continue watching her child as I have done up until now. She works full time and over time on those days. I no longer feel like helping her out.

ravywave wrote:

Oh yes, I realize that. I don’t know how she think it’s ok after they all berated you for this. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do it. I’d want nothing to do with the family after this.

Daschundmom5 wrote:

"Sure we treat you badly. Expecting you to clean up biohazards that decent people wouldn't expect of a paid house cleaner, but you're the selfish one for refusing to be a doormat and take the abuse and filth thrown your way."

Your in-laws are ridiculous. All of them. Is your husband appalled by the lot? They expect you to keep babysitting (you know they are showing up with the kiddo as usual) even though they treated you like crap. Then, of course, it's birthdays and holidays with the guilt trips.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

Went to pick up my children, and had to stick around a little longer as a new family is moving to the area. The parents wanted to meet their children's classmates parents. So we had a small meet and greet.

The office brought my husband's older brother's daughter (the 6 year old) to me as I am the one that usually picks her up and on Tuesdays and Wednesdays she stays with me. No one had picked her up and when her teacher noticed me waiting in the hallway she asked an office admin to bring her to me thinking I was delayed due to meeting with the new parents.

I told them that I wasn't responsible for her anymore on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. They took her back to the office and they must have called her mother. When I returned home from the meet and greet my husband said his parents had called him and spoken their mind to him about me abandoning their granddaughter.

They also put his older brother's wife on the phone and she had a shouting match with my husband. SIL I kicked out also had a few words with him. It ended with my husband telling his parents that they had lost the privilege to talk to him for a week and he would only unblock them when they gave him and me a sincere apology.

He explained that it was up to the parents to make pick up arrangements when I had made it clear I would no longer provide free services.

The SIL I kicked out is staying with her parents for now.

Her husband and her younger two and two of the older ones are staying with my in laws. The other older two are and the other two younger ones are spread between the other two houses, but they made an indirect thr--t saying it would be a very temporary arrangement as she promised it wouldn't take long for her to make her brother see the light. I think I am in for a long ride.

The internet continued to be invested.

PrideofCapetown wrote:

Hooookaaay, time for OP to update her security system, get new cameras outside and inside the common areas of her property, block access to all socials and phone numbers and give the school explicit instructions - followed by a confirmation email.

- That under no circumstances is anyone but her/husband permitted to remove the kids from school. Crazy B-- rabies is not age or gender specific. OP needs to take precautions.

Nishikadochan wrote:

What an amazing saga of entitled trash bag humans! I agree with most of the comments I’ve read stating to remain strong and not let them back in your house, get home security, and make sure the school is aware of who is allowed to pick up your children, as well as who you will no longer be responsible for ever.

If they have a problem with the parents not picking up their kid, they can call the authorities and report a child has been abandoned at the school.

I’d like to ask, why is it when your SIL admitted to leaving a tampon on your sink, why the hell didn’t the rest of the family immediately tell her she’s filthy and wrong? How the hell are they still siding with her despite no longer having the denial leg to stand on? How can they excuse that? You have a toddler and they’re leaving blood lying around in your home!

In my opinion, this is for sure a line in the sand situation, not only with the SIL and her family, but with the rest of the family as well. Discuss with your husband of course, but this seems like a ‘get behind us or get out of our lives’ scenario. Why your family unit is being the scapegoat/black sheep to the family at large, I can’t say, but it needs to stop. They are unreasonably b-llying you and your husband.

Final thought: why does your SIL think your husband would side with her instead of his wife? She seems weirdly confident she can get him to cave. Not accusing your husband of anything. Just wondering 🤔

OP responded:

After her admitting it, they still thought I had done something to her to make her behave that way. Surely she wouldn't behave like a pig in my house if I didn't deserve it as she is alway clean in their house.

As for the other question, my husband has been a pushover when it comes to my family. He was always the one they threw under the bus. Him and his sister were close because he always helped her when she snapped her fingers.

Roughly a week later, OP shared another update.

It's early in the morning and I've only slept a few hours. Don't know if I'll be able to finish this in one sitting. Friday I dropped off my children at school and the older brother's wife was there at drop off time. She followed me because when I stopped to pick up some bits and pieces she confronted me in the store parking lot. She was apologetic and wanted to make amends. I was having none of it.

She was desperate she said because if she missed one more week of overtime she would lose the project as she is the "lead" and has to stay there to supervise. Her husband can't change his hours and so it has to be her who picks up her six year old. She said it's not defensible to have a grudge against her six year old for a passing comment she made.

I told her it wasn't a passing comment. She laid the blame on me for our SIL leaving biohazards in my home. She said she just wanted everyone to get along, and was hoping to deescalate the situation. I asked her to ask SIL to help her out, and she said she had refused as she has 3 under seven years and can barely cope with them.

I asked her to ask the youngest wife as she has her mother staying with her leaving her with time and energy to pick up her children and they clearly preferred each other over me. She said she wanted to concentrate on the early memories of her own child instead of helping her out with her six year old.

I told her to suck it up and find a solution with those she considered family. Then I went about my shopping. In the afternoon when I went to pick up my little ones she was there again and when we got out of the pick up line she followed me all the way home. So I blocked my driveway by parallel parking so she wouldn't be able to park and harass me at my door.

I sent a text telling my husband to let me know when he would be home so I could move the car. Not being able to park didn't stop her as she parked on the side road and came to my house. She rang the bell, but I wouldn't open up the door. She went round the back and knocked on my backdoor telling me that I couldn't avoid her forever.

We were family. I told her through the window as I didn't want her to push her way through if I opened the door, to leave or I would call the police for harassment. She left. In the evening someone rang our doorbell and I went to open it. It was my MIL and FIL. They wanted to come inside and apologise. So I let them in. They started by telling us how much the events of the last few days had affected them.

Then they said "Sorry", and asked me to get back to normal. My MIL said that sometimes you have to put up with some negativity from family as life has a lot of ups and downs. Everything can't be roses and rainbows all the time. My husband stopped his mother and said, then why do Critical_Lemon and I have to be the only ones on the receiving end of the negativity?

When would they hold his sister and the others accountable for their behavior? They tried to guilt trip me into helping out with the six-year-old as her mother and I had previously been on good terms. I said she lost that privilege as she chose her side. They said would I be able to sleep at night knowing she would lose her job.

I said yeah. My husband pointed out how much I had done for her without any financial compensation. They said you were home anyway. One more child that was already potty trained made no difference to me over the past four years. I told them it did, because I had many sacrifices over the years for their daughter.

I also mentioned that if they couldn't convince the younger brother's wife to help out then they had to forget about coercing me to do it. They wanted to know when I would return the stuff I was holding "hostage". My husband said he was holding it hostage, and it would be returned when his sister paid up for damages.

My FIL said that SIL would be right to report the theft to the police. My husband said she could do as she pleased. At this point, my husband told them something I wasn't aware of. He said to pass on a message to his sister that he had cancelled the hotel and activities including the horseriding for his niece for the summer vacation*.

If he couldn't tell her to clean up her mess, because her father had told my husband "Who did he think he was" to his daughter to boss her around, then he felt no need to pay for her specific activities since her father was unsure about their uncle-niece relationship and having the right to teach her some responsibility.

This made my MIL upset and she said you haven't done that have you. I thought we would all have a great vacation. He said he had. They tried to make excuses like SIL had a lot on her plate with losing the house, and young children, but I was having none of it.

I told them that her life situation was due to her own poor choices and that bringing in a ninth child into the mix was not going to make her situation better. My MIL said every woman had a right to decide for themselves about their family planning. Her body her choices and I was not to dictate to her what she should and shouldn't do.

I asked her "Like you are dictating to me right now, by weasling your way into our home under the guise of an apology?"

She said no it was different. She wasn't telling me to have more or less children as she loved grandchildren.

The more the merrier. I told her she couldn't expect me to look after other people's children either. The less stress I had the merrier I was, it also comes under my body and my choice. They turned to my husband and asked him if he was really putting them through all of this because we had decided to be less amiable over a silly thing.

He said scrubbing down the two bathrooms after his niece and sister wasn't the highlight of his life. As they were stuck making excuses and lamenting over us not joining them for the family holiday and by cancelling SIL and her family's holiday and ruining the mood for everyone we told them to leave politely.

On Saturday morning we were woken up by someone frantically knocking our door and ringing the doorbell. It was SIL and her eldest son. My husband told me he would handle it. When he opened the door she tried to push through but my husband blocked her way.

She was shouting loudly to let her come inside so she could knock some sense into me. She threw $300 in my husband's face and said to him "Is she happy now that cradle snatching b-ch" (I am a year and a few months older than her and she is just over two years older than him). She called me a jealous wh-re and a few other words.

She told him that I had ruined their family by manipulating him.

Edit to add: She said now that she had returned the money she wanted him to rebook the vacation and activities ASAP. My husband said it wouldn't happen if hell froze over.

He told her to wait outside while he grabbed something.

He went inside and put their stuff in a bag, except for one of the tablets that he had bought and he was still paying the insurance for. He opened the door and threw it at her. She was cursing and told him to grow the f up.

She said she would report him for damaging her stuff. He told her all was caught on camera, and if she wanted to take him to court to really think of her children as they could barely afford a roof over their house let alone a lawyer. Before he closed the door on her face he told her to not step foot on our property again. She left without more drama.

My MIL and FIL phoned us and tried to "talk some sense to us". My husband and I had agreed to let them see our children under certain circumstances. They said they had grandparent rights. I told them that although I was no lawyer their rights were very limited in the state we live in. If they wanted to have a relationship with their grandchildren they would have to start respecting me and my family.

Right now we are NC with the other brothers, their wives, SIL, and her nuclear family. We unblocked them to send a message to them and then blocked them again. If the children of the older brother want to speak to us and spend time with us it's fine by us. The six year old can only come by if her older siblings are there to supervise her on the weekends when we have time to host them.

No more dropping by as and when they wish. If they let their parents use their numbers to contact us, we will block them too. While we were sending messages to everyone and they were unblocked the older one's wife phoned me and said she would pay me $7.50 an hour for the days I looked after her six year old.

I told her "No thank you. I'll pass on that wonderful opportunity and good luck to you finding childcare for that amount". She texted me she would compensate me for the last three months too to sweeten the deal, I told her no. She begged me to reconsider as she had no one lined up for next week.

I told her to figure out her own childcare. She was crying, and I have to admit it was kind of satisfactory. So if I am a b---- for that I will own it. She will most likely lose her job, but it's not my circus not my monkeys. The younger one's wife wondered if she could get some help with the baby when her mother went back home as I had helped the older one. I told her no.

That would not happen because I did not want more regrets in life, but when the baby grows up and wants to spend time with their uncle one on one they can come by if we have time to host them. In the meantime she could ask SIL to help her when her mother left. SIL and her husband are completely blocked. Their children are on NC list as things are very complicated with their parents.

My husband and I came to an agreement that we would go LC with his parents. When they do visit us, they have to follow our ground rules. When spending time with us, they can't mention or advocate on behalf of the others, and they can't mention what is happening in our lives to the others. If not we would go NC with them too.

*In the summer we tend to spend two weeks together with his family. This has been a family tradition for them since they were small. No matter what they spend those two weeks together. No time with friends or other family. It's always the two last weeks of July. I knew we were going to spend the summer together before all of this happened, but had no idea my husband had paid for SIL this year.

He apologised for it and said all of it was cancelled. He had paid most of it and partially paid for them in previous years too due to their finances not stretching (SIL and her family, the others pay themselves). I didn't mind as we have a joint account and our own separate accounts that we use as we wish without consulting each other.

Since I stopped working he also adds money monthly to my solo account as he does to his own. He said he regretted being this kind to them and apologised again for holding it from me. He did show me proof that the day I chucked her out was the day he cancelled it and he wanted to tell me, but had forgotten to do so because of all the chaos.

Needless to say, we are making up our holiday traditions going forward. All of this has brought me and my husband closer. I am happy for all the support here and going forward I think there will be less stress. It feels like a huge load off my shoulders. Thanks again for all the support. Hopefully, nothing new will happen as they know we mean business...

The internet was happy to hear an ending to the saga.

Fire_or_water_kai wrote:

What a ride. Glad you and your husband held your ground. This had to be rough as hell. However, I'm willing to bet that your in laws will absolutely try to guilt you again the second they come to visit under the guise of seeing your kids.

OP responded:

It was very rough, specifically for my husband. I am happy that he stuck by me. I would do the exact same for him if anyone in my family disrespected him.

Buttered_Crumpet09 wrote:

It isn't just disrespect. Every 'apology' is really just a request that you go back to doing things for them, taking their shit, and making their life easier. There's no sincerity or statement of, "I'm sorry, I screwed up, and I miss having you in our lives. This won't happen again, and I hope you can eventually forgive is."

Instead, they basically are saying, "It's not that bad, you can't be mad at us, and would you for goodness sake stop being meanies and go back to spending your time, your effort, and your money on us? We've made piss poor decisions and based our ability to function on your willingness to keep taking our shit and doing things for us. So just shut up and get over it."

I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. The thing is that now you've made space in your life for people who will appreciate you both, who will be there for you rather than constantly expecting you to be there for them, and who won't have you dealing with this level of BS and buffoonery.

sleepingruthy wrote:

Happy to hear you and your husband are of the same mindset in all of this and have been since the start of the keruffle. So often on this sub, it's the opposite. Please continue to buff your shiny shiny titanium spine and stand up for you and your family.

There's a saying that once you piss off a kind person, that's it, and now the family is finding out how much you've done for them and are regretting their decisions. But hey, silver lining is now you can have more free time and less headaches.