Woman questions marriage after discovering husband lied about secret 12yo daughter. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA to leave my husband because of my step daughter?"
I’m 32 (F) and met Jake (41, M) 10 years ago at a NYE party. My coworker invited me, and Jake was friends with her husband. He was insanely handsome, so I made the first move. He was nice but didn’t seem all that interested.
Later, I asked my coworker to set us up, but Jake said no because he thought I was too young for him. I didn’t give up and ended up texting him directly, convincing him to go on a dinner date with me.
He finally agreed, and we hit it off—he was super respectful, and we had a lot in common. A year later, we moved in together. After I graduated from university, he helped me get my first job, and we started traveling and even bought our own place.
Being with Jake felt like a dream. He always put me first, made me feel special, was so thoughtful, and helped out a lot around the house. When I told him I was pregnant and said I’d terminate if he wasn’t ready, he pulled out a ring he’d already bought and proposed on the spot. He said he wanted to be with me forever.
Everything was amazing…until Jake got an email from his ex out of the blue. Turns out, he has a 12-year-old daughter he didn’t know about. His ex never told him she was pregnant and moved away to be closer to her family. Now, she’s getting married, but her fiancé doesn’t get along with Jake’s daughter, so she wanted her to come live with us.
Jake went to pick her up from the airport, and we ended up giving her the baby’s room. The nursery I was decorating ... I said it was fine, the baby could stay in our room for now. When I showed her the room, she looked at me and said, “Great. A crying baby soon, huh? Don’t expect me to babysit, FYI.” I just told her, “Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning to.”
She hates me. Anytime I try to talk to her, she either ignores me or tells me not to. So, I’ve stopped trying. Jake has been bending over backward to connect with her, taking her shopping or to games, but she doesn’t want to hear anything about the baby.
If she catches me showing Jake an ultrasound picture, she gets upset. Jake even asked me not to bring up baby stuff around her. If I try to join them on their outings, she gets mad again.
Jake keeps telling me to be patient and that she’s adjusting, but I’m starting to feel like an outsider. Jake is no longer affectionate to me .. maybe he is exhausted or doesn't wanna upset her.. either way, I don't even get a hug or a simple kiss anymore...
The baby’s due soon, and honestly, I’m terrified. It feels like my baby won’t even be allowed to cry because she might get upset. On Christmas, I got her AirPods, and when she opened them, she said nothing. At least she said “thanks” for the watch Jake gave her.
Would I be the asshole if I left Jake and stayed with my parents? I love him so much, and I get that he’s in a tough spot, but I feel so unloved. I’m scared it’s going to get worse once the baby is here.
Added later: Someone DMed me that maybe Jake knew about this kid all these years and was in touch with ex and didn’t tell you that’s why he is confident it’s his kid... I dunno, he seemed very surprised... I’m going to clear this up tonight.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Okay I’m going NTA—if you sit down and talk to him. You all need to be in individual and family therapy. That’s something that needs to be non-negotiable. That kiddo sounds like a brat but she has very valid reason.
It’s a HUGE deal that her mom just dumped her on a parent she never knew and that she also has a sibling coming with the parent she just met. Throw in the age she’s at and that’s a recipe for so many issues.
Your feelings are really valid, but you need to at least do certain things before divorce. Talk to Jake. Go to therapy, establish boundaries and also what you need to have happen with this baby. You also are a prime candidate for post partum depression because of this much stress, hun. Take care of yourself.
He’s asking to be patient, but what exactly is he doing to help the situation? Has he gotten this child into therapy? Because if all he’s doing is spoiling her in the hopes that they can bond and allow her to be rude and disrespectful to you and demand that you provide empathy then he’s actually not working to rectify the situation. In which case you absolutely should leave.
This… she’s not just going to get better with time, she needs therapy.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I posted yesterday, then deleted my account because I was so upset and emotional. But I just wanted to say thank you to the person who DMed me and said Jake probably already knew about the baby and was just acting surprised—spot on! He did know about his daughter way before meeting me. His name is even on the birth certificate, and he’s been paying child support this whole time.
Turns out, he cheated on the mom while she was pregnant, and that’s why she left him. All these years, he straight-up lied to me. The whole “nice guy” act? Total facade. He’s a liar and an absentee father.
He’s apologized a million times, but I’m done. DONE. He lied to me for years and acted like, “Omg, I have a long-lost daughter!” Nah. He is making all the excuses in the book to justify his lies! I don't care ! I'm done. I’m staying at my parents’ house now, and I’m furious. I wish I had never met him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I’m all for hiring a private investigator for vetting unknown people nowadays.
He lied, cheated, and played victim? You deserve way better than that mess. Proud of you for leaving and putting yourself first! 🫶
Omg. Wow. I’m so happy you know the truth and can get away from this guy. This guy was such a snake. I’m happy to hear you have a supportive mother and have a safe place to stay. Be gentle with yourself. You have been through a huge shock. Sending cyber warmth if you want some ✨