Struggling mother of toddler begs unemployed 41yo brother to get a job, gets called selfish by family. AITA?
"AITA to tell my brother to get a f***ing job?"
Boring_Bee_4439
I (35F) live in a family owned house with my brother (41M), my mother (62F), and my daughter (2F). For the last decade my brother has been in a cycle of being employed briefly, finding reasons to hate everyone he works with, losing his job, and spending months calling my mom and I names if either of us brings up getting a job.
“You’re a effing cVnt” type of stuff. “I effing hate you.” “You’re a effing b-word.” Etc. Long, drawn out tirades that will last days of him throwing fits and calling names, slamming doors, and refusing to discuss anything rationally.
He won’t contribute to bills. He won’t contribute to groceries. He doesn’t do his own dishes, and half the time he throws his garbage down on the counter or floor instead of just throwing it in the trash. He just wants to be in his room on his Xbox.
My mom doesn’t like how he acts, but if I ever push back against him she expresses very firmly that I’m wrong to do so because if I would just be quiet and not set him off it would be better. Because I know when I say something that he’s going to fly off the handle and I need to keep the peace. She also says what he’s doing isn’t abuse.
Recently, my brother threw a fit because I wanted pie and it had sugar in it. He doesn’t eat sugar anymore. It turned into DAYS of him yelling, slamming doors, and then giving the silent treatment. Because “no one ever thinks of him.”
Now, on that same day my mother also made homemade chicken pot pie, a creamy sort of biscuits and gravy dish, and there was a roast+veggies in the fridge from the day before. There were apples, oranges, and bananas.
There were even potato chips! He was not deprived. I even buy him his own tins of coffee every week (I buy myself a single tin and make it last the two weeks between my paychecks).
The day after the pie, I was in the kitchen making my morning coffee when he came through slamming doors and giving the silent treatment, and I finally snapped. I said that he’s a 41 year old man, and that I have to take care of EVERYTHING else for him and that I shouldn’t be responsible for his snacks too.
That I’m allowed to have a pie from ingredients I bought with money I worked for. I also snapped he needs to “Get a effing job so he can buy his own things and contribute.”
He and my mother are saying I emasculated him and that I can’t say stuff like that to a man. He threw an even bigger fit and started slamming around the house saying he was going to sell all the tools and leave. I regret swearing, but don’t think it’s unfair or rude to remind him that he’s a grown man and needs to support himself.
I want to leave, but I can’t run off and be homeless with my daughter in winter and when I try to save up money from my paycheck I get treated like I’m being greedy somehow. I’m barely surviving (financially) and I’m breaking down (physically and emotionally), and I’m starting to think I’m the AH.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Dismal-Wallaby-9694
NTA and try to get out of there if you can. If not for you, for your daughter who's going to grow up thinking this is okay.
StAlvis
INFO:
Why do you think it's acceptable to be raising your child in this environment?
Get her out of there, yesterday.
Nadja-19
Hs emasculating himself. He’s a 41 year old man that throws temper tantrums over snacks who needs mommy to defend him. Ask him who will defend him and financially support him when mom is gone?
The way he acts I’d have him out on the street the next day. You said what he needed to hear. Your mom has babied him for way too long to the point that she’s made him helpless and dependent on others.
Zoreb1
NTA. You're in an abusive relationship with both your brother and mom (enabler). Tell mom that your brother emasculated himself and that is simple reality. As for your money, save what you can so you can leave that horrid situation. As for being greedy, that's rich coming from you selfish brother and enabling mother.
krazedcook67
Never mind that you're MYA. He's got a lot of issues in his head. Sure, maybe he's frustrated. I get it. But... there is probably a deeper issue. What it could be, I have no idea. But with his outbursts, I'd consider moving out soon. That toxicity is gonna slowly invade you. Please get out of there.
HazelEyedDreama
Oh please. So NTA. Your brother is a joke. Needs a good shaking. Stop buying his stuff first off, because that’s enabling him. Let him crack on, and maybe consider finding somewhere for you and your kid. Eff having that around you.
ProfessionalEven296
NTA "He and my mother are saying I emasculated him."
Sounds like he needs a good emasculating. Stop financing his lifestyle; pay your bills, pay your rent, and buy your own food - nothing for him. Save up, and move out.
lmmontes
NTA. He is behaving like a child, not an adult.
Fabulous-Shallot1413
Your mother is the problem. Let me repeat, Your mother is the problem. Until she steps up as a mom of a 42 year old grown ass adult, nothing will change. He throws tantrums, she does nothing, and learns that all he has to do is throw a tantrum and get his way.
My honest advice is this- Stop buying the house or him anything. Keep all your food in your room, and get a mini fridge. Don't do his dishes, don't make him food- infant I'd make less than normal intentionally to force him to do it himself.
Tell your mom you won't contribute to bills or food until she fixes what she has created. Ask her- if.you met him as a single lady would you date him? Would you want to be with a 41 year old child that makes up every excuse.to not be an adult. What happens when you die? Do you think he will pay for this house? I sure won't.