'AITA if I told my husband he has to choose between me and his friend?' UPDATED 4X

"WIBTA if I told my husband he has to choose between me and his 'friend?'"

I've (37F) been with my husband (44M) for 17 years. We have kids, a dog, and we used to own a business together. He has this friend, who happens to be his little brother's ex girlfriend (30F). She's been in and out of our lives since she broke up with my BIL over 12 years ago.

Over the last 4 years or so, she's been constantly messaging my husband. She never sends me a message, unless my husband tells her that he's not home and she's on her way (happened only once in 4 years) she's engaged and has a baby on the way.

Both my husband and his friend say they have a brother-sister relationship.

My kids don't like her or her kid. Her kid is 7 years younger than our youngest child. They feel like they have to babysit her when she comes over.

This is what bothers me about their relationship:

• I am never included in their conversations online, even when she invites herself over.

• My husband once told his brother that he thought that she was hot and if he was younger and single he would try to date her (my BIL sent me a message to warn me about their "relationship" when I spoke to my husband about it, he laughed it off and told me his brother was jealous).

• During an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us (that was never discussed between us before - not even the option of a threesome).

• When she comes over, she barely speaks directly to me, always to my husband. I have to butt into the conversation for her to even acknowledge me

I'm tired of feeling like the third wheel in their friendship. Last year he gave me one of his old cell phones because mine had broken. He hadn't logged out of his messenger account so I used it to my advantage and read their messages at the time. He had admitted to her that he had told his brother that she was hot and that if he was younger and single he would date her.

He then told her I wasn't home when he said that and I didn't know exactly what he said. Her response was to send him this emoji 🤣 Ever since, I feel like I they both occasionally disrespect me in their conversations. All he does is talk about her. Often. He never makes her wait when she texts him...yet sometimes when I text him, he takes a half hour to answer me.

So tell me, would I be the AH if I told him that he had to choose between his relationship with me and his "friend." I have posted an update on my profile. Thanks to everyone for the response. Seriously, without your encouragement, I wouldn't have had the courage to talk to him.

The commenters had plenty to say in response.

JMLegend22 wrote:

NTA. Hand him the book Not Just Friends and tell him his emotional and maybe physical affair is over. If he refuses, you’ll just take half of everything in the divorce and he can choose her over his family and kids. Tell him there is no option where their friendship continues and the marriage continues. Remind him that his kids don’t like her or her kid.

HootblackDesiato wrote:

In your shoes I’d hire a PI to see what they’re doing when they are not around you. If you catch my drift.

NTA for asking him to choose, but you know it isn’t going to go well.

OP responded:

She lives in another city (my husband's hometown) it's accessible by bus and metro. We never go to her place, ever. She usually comes to our place with her fiance. I'm pretty sure that whatever's going on with them is taking place on messenger in a private conversation. Her fiance doesn't use Facebook or messenger

Lann42016 wrote:

NTA but be prepared to follow through if he doesn’t pick you.

OP responded:

That's what I'm telling myself.

Tall-Negotiation6623 wrote:

How can he claim it’s a brother-sister relationship if he admitted he would have dated her and has mentioned her in regard to a threesome? Sorry OP, but I think you would have been wise to have done this years ago, at least after reading the messages. If your kids don’t even like her, they are probably also seeing something wrong with her and your husband’s relationship.

Clearly your husband doesn’t respect you and he will likely get mad when you tell him to choose and call you crazy and insecure. Whether or not he picks you, why would you want to stay with someone that has this little respect for you? That conversation you read was him hinting to cheating on you and my guess is they already have an emotional affair.

rexmaster22 wrote:

Am I the only one that has thought of this? OP married for 17 yrs, this girl's kid is 7 yrs younger than her youngest, she and BIL broke up 12 yrs ago, who is the father of her kid?

I would say the next time her kid is over, get a DNA sample.

OP wrote:

He gets custody of their child once a month. I've never met him. According to her, he's controlling. That's all I know about him. They broke up a year after their daughter was born.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

So I guess this has been coming for a while. I've got my ducks all lined up. I spoke to him. He admitted that he did have a crush on her. That's when I told him we were done. Obviously he doesn't want to split amicably.

Finally found a lawyer who can help me out with the paperwork at a lower cost (600$) I am also currently looking for an apartment. I've applied at a few places. Just waiting to hear back from them.

I've thought about setting up a GoFundMe to help me absorb the costs of everything (lawyer, the move, furniture and everything else) but I am afraid of him finding the campaign. I've already opened up a secret bank account and PayPal account.

I'm hoping to have enough money saved up/collected by the beginning of next week. I want to be out of there as soon as possible with my kids. I'll be updating again.

The internet had OP's back.

stopcallingme_steve wrote:

Unfortunately a gofundme can look really bad to a judge. I don't know why, but I've had friends do it and it effed them, and lawyers say 'absolutely under no circumstances' do that. Again, I don't know why.

lizraeh wrote:

How is he taking it? Is he trying to find a lawyer.

OP responded:

He's pissed and gives me the silent treatment.

I don't know if he plans on getting himself a lawyer.

PuzzleheadedOne2494 wrote:

If he acts vi-lent at any time call police and make a report of it, get everything documented. Take pics of your belongings, so if he does property damage, that is recorded. You have the message from your stbxbil?

The one warning you or evidence of his saying about being with her if he was younger and single? Keep everything that is evidence of an emotional affair. Hope you have another support system and that things work out. Good luck.

OP responded:

I've kept all the evidence of his emotional affair. I don't really have a support system around here. I've been pretty much keeping to myself since my youngest daughter was born.

Weeks later, OP shared an update.

We've had several talks over the last few weeks.At first he wanted to work things out. As a matter of fact, he says he never meant any of it and he keeps apologizing for breaking my trust. Now he's being a plain dick. Then he flipped and decided that since I don't want to work on things he left for his brother's house. He hasn't seen our kids in the past month. He talks to them on the phone but that's about it.

So far, to piss me off, he's cut mine and the kids cell phone service, so I had to get us new sim cards for that because otherwise we wouldn't have phones. He's refused to pay anything in regards to school supplies and uniforms. He doesn't want to give me a dime. He hasn't done his taxes this year, which means I won't get any family allowance (CCTB) which cuts me $1800 a month on my budget.

I was able to sign the kids up for a local school supply distribution. The only thing they don't help with is the uniforms. Thankfully only my older two need uniforms. My oldest has some old uniform shirts that will be passed down to my other child. Which means my daughter will be wearing her older brothers shirts.

She's really annoyed by the situation and has been giving me lots of attitude about it, at the moment I can't afford t-shirts at $35 a piece with the school's logo on it, so she has no choice. Unfortunately uniforms are mandatory. I spoke to his "friend" as well. I told her everything that was going on (he told her he left me because I cheated on him - which isn't true) and she blames herself for what happened.

Personally I just think she was putting on a show. I haven't spoken to her since. If you ask me, I still think she is a hypocrite. Finances are tough. I barely make ends meet. Thankfully food banks exist because once rent is paid, I barely have anything left over for bills and groceries.

I still haven't been able to get the money for a lawyer yet. I've tried taking loans, but that didn't go over well, I've tried the borrow sub and that hasn't worked either. Now it's like we're in a state of cold war. He refuses to talk to me. For the time being. I guess he'll come around eventually. For the kids sake I hope. I feel like sometimes I'm drowning in all this mess.

Not long after posting, OP shared another edit/update.

Edit: lots of comments have come up on this post. I didn't expect as many comments. I've read as many as I can and I'll address a few points

• He's gone to stay with his other brother. The second one in the family. My STBX is the oldest of 3. It's the youngest of his brothers who told me what's up.

• I filed my taxes back in March. He was supposed to file his a few weeks later. At the time everything was good between us and I listed him as my spouse because that's what we've been doing for the past 17 years since we got married. I have to file my next taxes as single.

• The school uniforms. My oldest kids are in high school...A PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL. Uniforms are mandatory across the school board. I've contacted the school and unfortunately they don't have any low cost uniforms. They suggested I take a look at local thrift shops. They do have an emergency budget for uniforms, but only if you have recently arrived in the country

• I've contacted several lawyers. I know what my rights are. I know how much it's going to cost me to take him to court. He's quit his job, so suing him for alimony or whatever is going to be tough...I don't qualify for legal aid based on previous taxes. It takes at least 90 days of him being out of the family home for me to do anything against him. He's been gone for less than 2 weeks.

• As for family, I have been no contact with my parents since 2010. The do not know my younger children, nor do they care. I won't be getting into the reasons why here.

• His family has always been low contact with us. His parents have never liked me, and his brother who is staying with doesn't like me either.

EDIT 2 : For those who are saying that the timeline doesn't add up. I left with my 4 kids at the beginning of July to visit my elderly grandmother who doesn't live in the same province as us. It was supposed to give us breathing time to try and work things out. When I came back with the kids he was all ready gone.

When I was at my grandmother's he would barely talk to me, but talk to our kids via messenger. My trip with the kids to my grandmother's is a yearly trip. I didn't know that he would go from wanting to stay and work things out to leaving. I was blindsided by that

EDIT 3: I do have a PayPal account. I'm not going to start making posts on FB blasting him. I'm not setting up a GoFundMe either. I don't want him finding anything out. I don't want to get charged with trying to ruin his reputation either. I don't want him to have anything to use against me in court.

The comments kept coming in.

Blonde2468 wrote:

Go to your local courthouse and ask the forms for a divorce and Emergency Temporary Orders Hearing and Motion for Exclusive Use of the Home. The Clerks can help some or call your local bar association and they can help you. Contact your local and state bar associations and they might get someone to help you pro bono or at a reduced fee.

Ask them if you can change the locks and take money out of your joint accounts and put them in an account (different bank) with just your name. Trust me Judges don't like it when fathers stop paying and cut off money and phone access for children. The Temporary Orders will make him pay some amount while the divorce is ongoing. He's trying to starve you out and also being a dick like you said.

While you are waiting for the legal stuff start gathering the following 5 years of documents: Tax returns, bank statement for all accounts, all credit card statements, telephone records, life insurance and retirement accounts. Also, be sure to get all of you and your kids' important paperwork out of the house so he can't sneak back in sometime and take them.

Reach out to other students' mothers and see if they have any extra or outgrown uniforms you can borrow. Other places who have resources to help you are: Libraries, Salvation Army and United Way. The United Way has access to all kinds of non profit corporation who will be willing to help you and your kids. Tell them he has cut off all your money and you have kids.

Lastly, STOP TALKING TO THE FRIEND!! You can bet your ass she is GIDDY that she is the cause of this whole mess. Who you should be talking to is HER SO. He might want to see their texts and conversations. Maybe when there are consequences at HER DOOR she might not be so proud of herself. Plus anything that you tell her, she is going to tell your SO with her own spin on it.

Now and after you get an attorney, NEVER communicate by phone unless you can record it - check your state laws on consent. Make him text or email anything he wants to say so that you have proof. Also on your end, discuss CHILD THINGS ONLY. Anytime he start to talking about other stuff or blaming you, just refuse to engage.

This will be hard at first, but it's worth it. Just KIDS ONLY communication on your end. Remember anything you send/say to him will be read in Court. Also, read up on Grey Rock and BIFF Communication. From here on out, you are all business. No emotions. Grey Rocks is non-committal responses like 'Wow, really? bummer, cool, huh, mmm, interesting - stuff like that. Good luck OP.

agoraphobe91 wrote:

You should probably get ahead of the narrative with everyone if he’s already trying to claim you were the cheater. Be completely transparent, you are in no way at fault for his emotional affair. As for school funds, reach out to BIL and see if he’ll chip in. Shame is a wonderful motivator sometimes.

SerenityPickles wrote:

I would file for divorce and ask for immediate financial support and full custody of the kids as he has had no physical contact with them. Stop playing with your kid’s stability and mental health. Move forward and be their parent. Soon to be Ex can go play with his friends.

Mysterious_Win_2051 wrote:

Go file for child support at your local court house. You can utilize self help to assist with filling out forms. Also, get some alimony just to be an AH.