'AITA if I told my friend that just because her old friend has a similar personality as me doesn’t make me her?'
"AITA if I (21f) told my friend (21f) that just because her old friend has a similar personality trait as me doesn’t make me her?"
AITA. I (21f) and my friend (21f) are in a massive fight. My friend (let’s call her Abby) had a friend (let’s call her Emma) in the past who was awful. They lied a lot and said some pretty awful things - also caused a lot of fights in her old friend group. Well I met Abby almost a year ago and as I met her friends, one of them (let’s call her Jessica) accused me of being exactly like Emma.
When Abby told me what Jessica said, I asked her why. She said that I have a similar personality trait to Emma. When I asked her what it was, she said “your stubbornness.'" At first I was like, okay whatever, but as time has gone by Abby is requiring me to prove everything I do or say.
For example: last year I was diagnosed with a serious illness and was in and out of the hospital. I told Abby about it and a few weeks ago, she asked for me to show her proof. I argued with her and told her that it’s disgusting that I have to pull out medical documents to prove I’m sick.
I showed her my medical files - even pulled up my health charts online. She cried and begged for me to forgive her. I got mad and asked her what I had done to warrant the lack of trust and all Abby says is “you just remind me of Emma”. So I asked her, “Is there anything I have personally done to warrant the lack of trust?” She said no.
So I kinda lost my cool. I told her that just because she had a bad friend in the past doesn’t mean she gets to put that trauma onto me. I told her that I don’t appreciate being compared to someone who is a liar and awful friend, when in fact I have helped Abby so much these last few months.
Abby then said that ever since Jessica said it, she can’t get it out of her head. I then told Abby that if she can’t resolve her trauma and can’t come to her own conclusions without her friend’s influence, then I’m not interested in being friends anymore.
(Quick note: Abby doesn’t even like Jessica! They only hangout cause they’ve known each other for a long time but they constantly fight and Jessica has a questionable character)
Many people have told me that I’m right for being upset but I feel bad now. Like I get she has trauma from that friend and I take trauma very seriously.
The only issue I have is this all came up because of Jessica - not because I actually did something to warrant this. I also am mad that just because I’m stubborn, that means I’m a pathological liar.
TL;DR: AITA for telling my friend to deal with her trauma and stop pushing it onto me?
The internet did not hold back their thoughts on the dynamic one bit.
Bald_Goddess wrote:
NTA but how do you know Emma exists? She could be completely fictional. And for that matter, how do you know Jessica told Abby you are exactly like Emma? Given how irrational Abby has been treating you, I would question everything she has ever told you and end your friendship with her. You need better friends.
OP responded:
I only know for sure Jessica said it to her because a week ago, Jessica got drunk when we were all hanging out and playing a game called Ultimate Werewolf.
You can lie in the game (kinda like Mafia) because you don’t want people to know you’re the werewolf. Well, as we were setting it up Jessica outright said to me “This game should be easy for you!” But everything else you brought up - no clue. She could be.
Friendlily wrote:
NTA and I want to cover the stubbornness part. I was very stubborn growing up and got a lot of crap for it, so I felt bad about myself. But I've learned to channel my stubbornness and use it to help me set and hold boundaries, advocate for myself, and stick up for others. And I've learned to compromise and be protective of others who are not stubborn and are more people-pleasers or pushovers.
I don't take advantage of them. I mean this to say that you're not wrong for being stubborn necessarily and as long as you're a good person and friend - which this post shows that you are - then you're good. Don't let them make you feel bad. Also, Abby and Jessica suck. I would look for better friends.
OP responded:
So the stubbornness has to do with my intolerance over certain things. Like I refuse to be near people who cheat on their partners (I don’t trust nor respect people like that) and I refuse to sleepover places (from my own experience as a kid sadly).
I have had a lot of fights with Abby and my friends because when I found out someone we all hung out with cheated on their gf of 6 years, I told them I never wanted to see them again. Everyone calls me a stubborn mule and says my stubbornness will cause me problems down the line.
Vast_Responsibility6 wrote:
NTA. Abby needs therapy and to drop Jessica. Until those things happen and she makes a genuine apology. You don't need her in your life. You're a kind person for being so aware of her trauma, but it is bordering on enabling instead of her healing.
A lot of us have trauma. It is never an excuse to hurt others.
You can tell her you wish her the best on her healing journey, but until she can see you as your own person and not a shadow of her past. You need to distance yourself.
Krofftsurvivor wrote:
So. Abby has a former friend Emma who lied to her and treated her poorly and was the 'cause' of fights in her friend group. She also hangs out with Jessica, whom she claims not to like, and passes on to you the negative things that Jessica supposedly said behind your back.
And after passing that accusation on to you, she starts treating you as if you are guilty of the same behaviors as Emma. She accuses you of lying without any reason for doing so, demands that you prove that you're telling the truth, and then breaks down, gets upset and acts like a victim afterwards.
Abby has a problem, all right. ABBY is the drama, and apparently she's very good at making sure that everyone around her fights for her approval, each one likely believing that they are her only real friend. Block her number, block her on social media, and stop dealing with her before you get pulled any deeper into this nonsense.