'AITA for turning my teen niece away at the door? I told my sister her daughter is rude.'
"AITA for turning my teenage niece away at the door and telling my sister to wake up because of how my niece treats my own daughter?"
My sister Teresa has a sixteen-year-old daughter Quinn. “Quinn” and I used to be very close when she was younger, and loved having auntie-niece time together. However, since becoming a teenager, Quinn has become very snarky and sarcastic in a mean way. I particularly don’t like the way she behaves towards my own daughter Bella (she is six.) Quinn crosses the line.
A particular episode of verbal cr*elty at a birthday party was when I’d had enough and told Quinn “I don’t want you to come over until you can start being nice to Bella.” Teresa was present when I said this. We live a short walk away from each other.
A few days ago, Quinn arrived and wanted dinner, and I turned her away at the door and told her “I don’t like how you treat my daughter. Unless it is an emergency, you are not welcome over.” Teresa called me because she said I was a horrible person for turning Quinn away because she is sixteen and my niece was upset.
(Teresa has stopped trying to do anything serious about Quinn’s verbal attitude and has justified it in the past with statements along the lines of “That’s just how some teenagers are,” “It’s a teen thing. Teenagers shouldn’t be treated like young children,” or “Quinn’s almost an adult. It’s not your place to parent her like some child.”
I brought up Teresa’s past words and told her she is correct that Quinn is an adult who doesn’t need to be scolded by me. And I have a right to protect my child from an unkind adult. Quinn is already having issues with the school emailing home or friends making excuses for why they don’t want to see her. And it’s time to Teresa to wake up and do something about her daughter.
Teresa and I have both given our sides to mutual friends and acquaintances, and they are divided. Some are saying that Quinn’s attitude is not okay, but I was wrong to turn her away at the door because she’s still sixteen and my niece.
They said being a teenager and rapidly going from childhood to adulthood is already a rough transition. And according to Teresa, Quinn appears to be having issues at school, and I should try to have more patience with her and see what may be going on outside of home.
Regardless of the reason, I feel I had to set a hard boundary with Quinn’s behavior. It isn’t an easy time, but at sixteen, you still know right from wrong. And Bella doesn’t deserve to be subjected to that kind of treatment. But are my friends/acquaintances correct that I was too hard on my niece and sister and should apologize for how I responded to them?
The internet weighed in with their assessments of the situation.
valsavana wrote:
NTA- your responsibility is to your daughter, to protect her. Any of your friends who would let a 16-year-old b-lly their 6-year-old child just because they happen to share blood is a crappy parent.
IF Quinn is willing to apologize to Bella and promise to only use "kind words" at your house, I would be willing to give her a second chance but only if she seemed like she actually was willing to behave & she and Bella would not be allowed to interact unsupervised for a long, long time.
OP responded:
For now, I am waiting for Quinn to be willing to give a sincere apology. Her past ones have been excuses along the lines of "Bella needs to stop acting like a baby," "Bella's overreacting, it was a joke" or saying "Sorry" in a sarcastic tone.
If Quinn does give a sincere apology, then I will welcome her back into my home. But it will take a while for her to re-earn my trust enough to be left alone with Bella.
timothybcat wrote:
INFO: I feel the need to ask why Quinn showed up and wanted dinner. That's a little odd. Is her Mom not feeding her? Is there food in their home? Did her mom not teach her how to cook?
OP responded:
I make a specific dish every Sunday. Quinn knows how to feed herself, she just wanted what I was making.
GhostPantherAssualt wrote:
NTA. Quinn needs to understand that words actually harm people, that's what adults tend to forget a lot of times. You set a good boundary. I remember when my friend's kid kept talking about gross stuff in front of me to see how cool she was but I was not having that.
I asked her once, and then she did it again, I told her dude if you keep talking to me this kind of way, I will legit leave. I do not care for that. Kids need to understand that hey, this behavior? this ain't it man. You're causing too much issues.
OpaOpa13 wrote:
NTA. It's unrealistic to expect a teenager to never be snarky or sarcastic, but it's good and appropriate to expect them to take responsibility for how they treat other people. Actions have consequences. Quinn needs to learn being cruel to a 6-year-old is not acceptable, and that being a teenager is not a free pass to be awful.
I don't think there's anything awful about turning someone away if it's only a short walk. If she can't try to learn to curb her behavior and apologize when she's hurtful, she can deal with the short walk back.
Electronic_Wait_7500 wrote:
NTA. I am absolutely rolling my eyes at your friend group being divided and saying it's so hard to be a teenager. Um, basic manners should still be expected. You clearly warned her the last time. Surprise. Actions have consequences. Your sister is taking the lazy way out by letting Quinn get away with her treatment of your daughter.
EnderBurger wrote:
NTA. But I think you should spend some one on one time with your niece, away from your daughter and away from your sister. Something is going on with Quinn. Her mother is not mothering. Maybe you would have a better chance of getting through and seeing what's up.
This may be a situation where Quinn needs help, but either does not know she needs it or does not know how to ask. Or Quinn could just be a surly teenager with an attitude problem. But you won't know unless you engage her.