'AITA for waking up my partner after he falls asleep to organise himself and his belongings?'

"AITA for waking up my partner after he falls asleep to organise himself and his belongings?"

I (24 f) live with my fiancé (23 m). Quick background info - he is diagnosed with ADHD and is taking meds for it. He’s recently acquired a new physical job which has him on his feet 9 hours a day. I personally have just finished study and am looking for a job. Something that really bothers is that he can never ever get into a routine and then gets mad about the consequences of that.

His current routine is that he gets home from work, sits down and scrolls on his phone. He will help with dinner and then he’s back to video gaming or on his phone. Then he will have a late night snack and just pass out on the bed. He doesn’t charge his phone, get changed out of his work clothes, brush his teeth, wash his dishes or anything.

He simply passes out and then the next day is upset when his phone is flat, clothes are smelly and he’s tired. Lately, I’ve been waking him up just after he passes out to tell him to get up, get changed, charge his phone and set his alarms. Is this a dick move? It’s so frustrating to have to hear him complain about these things that he’s only doing to himself.

I’ve spent months putting his phone on charge for him, washing his dishes and his clothes and I’m almost about to leave because I feel like a mother picking up after her child. So how I’ve been putting it on him and he’s only getting more mad at me, so AITA? He works and I don’t, so there’s a feeling that maybe I should just be grateful.

The internet had lots of thoughts to share in response.

bivagial wrote:

NTA. As someone with ADHD who lived with an ADHD partner, I do have some advice for you. When he gets home, suggest he gets ready for bed before sitting down. Or right after dinner. It's a lot easier to do things when you're already up than it is to do things after sitting down. If you're willing to give him these reminders, sit him down and talk to him.

Tell him that you're happy to remind him either when he gets home/after dinner etc. But if he doesn't do it after you've reminded him, it's on him and you won't be cleaning up after him and you don't want to hear him complain the next day. It's likely his meds have worn off after getting home. Especially if the physical requirements of the job are new.

He's likely burning through his meds a bit faster than before. He might need to increase the dosage. This makes executive functioning particularly difficult. If you're not willing to remind him every day (which is valid, he's an adult and you might not want to feel like you're nagging him), suggest that he use an alarm on his phone, and to make sure not to ignore it.

TheRealRickyy wrote:

Hi, I have ADHD and was late diagnosed which has been a fun ride. (It's not) ADHD no matter what people tell you is horrible. Yes you work much better under extreme pressure where most people will breakdown Yes you can learn things absolutely faster than most.

(if it interests you) Yes we are able to come up with solutions on the fly faster than most people. But all that comes at a cost of extreme burnout. Imagine having your brain working 100x what's necessary. all day everyday and it won't shut up.

Eventually you burnout and that's where these scenarios happen. I can't justify his actions. But I do understand them.

I see a lot of people going straight for the "Break up with him!" "He's an adult acting like a teenager!" "it's no excuse for you to pick up his slack!"

Be adults, sit down, talk to him. Ask him what help he needs to overcome this situation he's in and what way can you help him overcome this. Sometimes all a person with ADHD needs is some understanding and the brain will be back on track instantly. Help him when he needs most. And he will help you when you need most.

If he doesn't. Then that's a whole other ball game and not just "ADHD". And he's just a sh--ty boyfriend. Dating someone with ADHD isn't easy. But if he is a caring boyfriend and this is just an ADHD burnout, once he's out of it he's gonna make it up to you 7 fold and when YOU need him the most he's gonna be there for you. (If this is not the case once again, it's not an ADHD thing it's just a s--tty boyfriend thing).

NTA. You're very valid in feeling frustrated but I still think you can try a different approach and talk it out like adults. If he refuses. Once again not an ADHD thing. Just a sh--ty boyfriend thing. Unfortunately it's gonna be you to figure that out.

notyourmartyr wrote:

Eh, kinda, but I'm not going to outright say it because mitigating circumstances and I get why you did. If you want to stay with him, like other comments said, you gotta help him to a point.

You said he's got a new, physical job where he's on his feet for 9 hours a day now, and medicated. Cool, he needs to talk to his doctor(s) about a potential medication adjustment now that he's in this new job, because clearly it's not enough.

That's technically step one but will likely happen later in the list just because of availability. Also, 9 hours on his feet, what's his break time and commute look like? Blissfully short commute and working breaks, or is it 9 hours of working plus a 30min-hour lunch and a longer commute where he's not home for basically half the day?

If that's the case, what can you do to help him?

You say he comes in and sits down - fair, given his shift, but could you maybe accept him not helping with dinner in exchange for him going to shower then, instead, after he takes a minute off his feet?

Maybe even get like, a t-shirt and pair of sweats out for him (i know it seems mothering, but it's just showing you care and want him to be comfy and know he's working hard so you've taken this one thing off his plate.)

Alarm and phone wise, if his phone is capable of it, get one of those bedside lamps or organizers that will do wireless charging. All he's gotta do is plonk his phone on it, and he's done. He shouldn't be needing to set his alarms every day unless his schedule changes, if he uses his phone for his alarm.

He can set it to go off every day he works at the same time, or set up multiple for different days/times. So long as he's plonking his phone on the thing, if you walk by and notice it's sitting a little off, so it's not charging, all you'll have to do is shift it to the right position, he's already done half the work. Can't help much with the tired. He'll find his groove there eventually.