'AITA for wanting to go through with a divorce after wife requested one and changed her mind?' UPDATED

"AITAH for wanting to go through with a divorce after wife requests one and then changes her mind?"

After returning from a month long trip to Florida with her friends she decided to tell me how unhappy she was and wanted to talk about divorce. Also mentioned to one of our kids that she was going to retire early and return to Florida and live on the beach. I cannot retire for another 13 years and she knows this.

She has always been secretive with her phone. Sleeps with it under her pillow and carries it with her everywhere in the house. Started to take 3 hours walks where she would shower, change clothes, and put on perfume before going. Had regular discussions with me about how we should divide everything in the divorce. During this discussions I would also get a reminder of how unhappy she is.

As negotiations continued it was decided that I would keep the house so she could keep all of her retirement for her future beach life. She also made two return trips to Florida in a month span. Supposedly by herself but she was very cryptic about them. The last one she did not tell the kids about them and did not communicate to them for the whole 5 days.

Final red flag is when she accidentally sent a text to our daughter with an explicit message that I assume was meant for her boyfriend or affair partner. Now that it is time for her to move out she doesn’t want to get a divorce. AITAH for wanting to follow through with it?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Harvard_Diplomat wrote:

"She has always been secretive with her phone. Sleeps with it under her pillow and carries it with her everywhere in the house.
Started to take 3 hours walks where she would shower, change clothes, and put on perfume before going."

"She was going to retire early and return to Florida and live on the beach. She also made two return trips to Florida in a month span. She accidentally sent a text to our daughter with a s-xually explicit message that I assume was meant for her boyfriend or affair partner." She didn't change her mind. Sounds like her new BF in FL didn't work out.

Wonderful_Bid2165 wrote:

Seems to me like she’s been going to florida to see the affair partner and now things are going sideways for her and that’s why she’s coming back. If she wanted to get a divorce and now doesn’t that’s a huge red flag. definitely not the ah in this situation.

Amazing_Reality2980 wrote:

NTA sounds like she's been cheating for a long time and you've been very slow to wake up or respond. You're absolute not the AH for wanting to follow through now. You know her heart isn't in this marriage. Doesn't sound like it has been for a long time. You deserve better. So kick her a-s to the curb and keep the divorce train coming.

Timely-Profile1865 wrote:

NTA. As a matter of fact you would be 100% nuts not to proceed with the divorce. She is an obvious cheater and she will be back knocking on your door when her beach fantasy falls apart. Time to move on from this person and live your best life and be there 100% for the kids.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Update: I am a real person. Yes, I did confront her about all of this but she still denies it. Claims message was meant for me. However, I never received it other than the screenshot from when I was informed about it.

Asked her why she doesn’t just go live with this person unless he is married too. Also told her that I am not a placeholder until she can move in with this guy or find a new one if he bailed. Already spoke to a lawyer earlier this week when she was all in on the divorce.

I feel there is no going back after this and want to see the divorce through to the end. She started the cold feet routine soon after meeting with the attorney. Yes, I know asking the question here makes me seem like an idiot. All of her actions did make me angry and I wasn’t ignoring them. Thank you everyone for your thoughts on the matter.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

rogerwil wrote:

You are not an idiot, and you're also NTA, but you need to get it over with and do what you know you have to. Who cares what she wants, ask yourself if this is how you want things to be!

Badass_Vixen wrote:

It's understandable that you're hurt and angry. You have the right to decide what's best for you. NTA.

Appropriate-Mud-4450 wrote:

NTA, still. She is lying and the gaslighting will come next. It's your fault for not believing her, there is no one else, you are just insecure and controlling yada, yada...

Stay strong. She got dumped by loverboy, that's all there is too her sudden change of mind.

ETA: you can coax the truth out. Simply tell her if she is honest you might consider reconciliation. A lie? Yes, but she started it...

SadGothGirl_ wrote:

You know what they say, "marriage is like a game of chess, one wrong move and you may end up in checkmate." Sounds like you made the right move by sticking with your decision.

muddybuttercup wrote:

Looks like she's taking the "change your relationship status on Facebook" a little too literally. Hang in there, brother. Divorce is rough but you'll come out stronger in the end. Just make sure to keep all those screenshots as evidence just in case.

FlirtyBela wrote:

NTA. It sounds like you’re dealing with a really tough situation, and your feelings are valid. Your wife initiated the divorce, then changed her mind after you consulted a lawyer, which suggests serious issues in your relationship. If she's been communicating with someone else and you feel like a placeholder, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to stay in this situation.

Prioritizing your well-being and continuing with the divorce is a reasonable choice. You deserve a relationship built on trust and respect, so trust your instincts and focus on what will ultimately make you happy.

rjsmith21 wrote:

My ex started crying when I told her I'd seen a lawyer and accused me of "always wanting this" when she did some of the same things as your experience. Except in my case, I knew exactly who she was seeing and what they were talking about.

Her mood and the manipulation tactics shifted depending on how her new relationship was going. Our relationship, as far as she was concerned, was over as far as being a loving couple. I was just a person she tried to keep under her control until she could secure her new relationship properly. Don't go back. Ever. Pull the band-aid off now and never look back.