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'AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she got a reduction?' UPDATED 3X

'AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she got a reduction?' UPDATED 3X


Every doomed relationship has its breaking point, some are just more shallow than others.

"AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she got a reduction?"

Basically the title. I (30M) and my wife (29F) have been together for 6 years married for two. I have a type, and based on my past relationships and the women I'm attracted to, it's not subtle. I like curvy women. And my wife happens to be this type to a tee. She is thick, and I appreciate that. I have been with other types of women, and simply put thinner women don't do it for me.

I mention this because I think that attraction in a big part of a relationship. I could love a person's personality all day long but if I'm not attracted to them, it's not being to work. Very early in our relationship she told me that she wanted a reduction as she felt like they didn't fit her frame and that they caused her to receive unwanted attention. I asked her if they caused her pain, she said that they didn't.

I told her that I could understand doing something so drastic if they caused her pain or discomfort, or if it needed to be done for medical reasons, but for what boils down to just for aesthetics seemed a bit much. She didn't really agree or disagree and more or less just dropped the subject, as did I. Fast forward 5 years and we have been married for a year at this point.

Out of nowhere she said that she had an appointment with a doctor to talk about a reduction. I was kind of surprised because I figured that at the very least she would mention it to me. I understand that it's not my place to tell her what she can or can't do with her body, but idk, I thought she would have said something even in passing.

After her appointment I thought that we should at the very least sit down and talk about her undergoing a massive surgery. I asked her about her appointment but she seemed cagey about the details. Eventually she opened up and told me that she was playing this close to her chest (no pun intended) because she knew that I would try and talk her out of it.

I told her that I'm her husband and that I wouldn't try and talk her out of it but I did want to make clear that, for the lack of a better phrase, actions have consequences. She said that she understood that, but her chest makes her feel too self conscious and she wants to go through with it. I told her that I understood and would stand by her.

So she gets the procedure done and after all the healing and swelling went down she was left with a small B. We have been intimate a few times over the few weeks after she felt like everything was good and it's been a struggle. The size is really messing with me, but not only that, the scars are brutal. I have a thing about scars that just give me the ick.

Even when I had my own surgery, my own scars gave me the chills in the worst way possible. I opted for doggy style and reverse cowgirl so I didn't have to see the scars, but my wife knew something was off. She would switch positions so we could face each other, and it's been the end every time. I made up some bulls#$t about lower back pain, and doggy style being the most comfortable position for me.

She got upset and accused me of not finding her attractive. I didn't want to keep lying to her, but at the same time if I agreed I think that would have crushed her, so I just walked away from the conversation. I know, it's not a great move to pull if I want a healthy relationship, but I didn't know what else to do. After that, I pulled back from initiating because I'm just not into it anymore.

I would accept her advances as her libido is lower than mine, but I've pulled away from that as well because her chest is really unappealing to me. After a few weeks of me not initiating, she confronted me about it.

I tried to brush it off by saying that I was stressed and tired (lying felt kinder than saying that her flat chest makes her look like a child and the scars make me want to dry heave) but she wasn't having it. I sat her down and reminded her that her actions would have consequences. She blew up at me, calling me shallow and telling me that "this wouldn't matter to a real man."

She asked if I still loved her, I said that I did, but that doesn't mean that meant that I was obligated to sleep with her, and if the roles were reversed she would say that this dynamic is borderline ab*sive. That conversation was like a month ago and since then, things have been icy at best.

I will want to cuddle with her and spend time with her but she has rejected my offers to spend time with her at every turn. It feels sh#$ty because this entire situation was caused by her. She made the decision to get this done, despite my concerns. She knew how much scars deeply affected me and she pushed a specific kind of s#x onto me despite me trying to work around this.

And now that the consequences of her actions are affecting her she is mad at me. I am going out of my way to offer her physical intimacy outside of s*x to show that I still love her and that I'm still there for her but she's not having any of it. I know that she's hurt because while I won't admit to it, she knows that I'm not attracted to her, at least with her shirt off anymore.

And that probably feels crushing, but she brought this upon herself. At this point I don't know where else to go from here. I feel like she won't forgive me, and to be honest this whole thing has caused some resentment towards her so I feel that divorce is our only option at this point. So AITAH if I get a divorce over this?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Those of you saying that saying that I only loved my wife for her b**bs, read the fourth paragraph, and then read it again until it makes sense to you. Sound the words out if you have to.

Not only is that take reductive as hell, but it's also flat out incorrect. Is the size an issue for me, yes. But it's not the end all be all, I know that attraction is very much learned, but I'd like to do that at my pace. And constantly putting fresh scars in my face when we are intimate is not how you go about that.

My issue is two-fold.

1. She allowed the glances of strangers supersede my comfort with the situation. She put herself into debt just to appease the thoughts and opinions of other people.

2. She is not letting me adjust at my own pace. I love my wife, and I love being with my wife, but forcing me to look at something that I find deeply disturbing is kinda f#$ked up. I've offered solutions that could work for us perfectly but it seems that unless the only words out of my mouth are "great decision honey, your new boobs are way better than your old ones" she doesn't want to hear it.

Because of those two factors this is hard for me to look past. Especially since, this wasn't a necessary thing to do. I haven't even gotten into the fact that insurance refused to cover the surgery because it was technically a cosmetic surgery and she put herself in debt to do this which pushes us back from buying the house we want. All around this was selfish and pointless. Literally hustling backwards.

The internet had a lot to say.

Tstead1985 wrote:

Would it be different if your wife was disfigured due to an accident and needed plastic surgery? Or, say, breast cancer... And she needed a mastectomy? Is your issue the fact that she chose to do this? You can have preferences, sure, but in this specific case, you have some shallow reasons. Honestly, I hope she finds a better man.

OP responded:

It would be completely different! I'd stand by her and suck it up, because that's what you do. But this was senseless. It didn't need to happen. Also, it's not like I haven't tried to adjust to this so for you to still boil this down as just me being shallow isn't just reductive, it's dumb.

Old_Web8071 wrote:

In YOUR mind, it didn't need to happen.

Did you even damn listen to her when she said she wanted to get it done because SHE was uncomfortable?

OP responded:

Hey, you're right! And you made me realize how much people stare at me for being tall. I'm going to set up an appointment with the surgeon so he can chop my legs off. I know my wife is really into tall guys, but I hope she can understand.

Jarethsbuldge wrote:


If her b00bs are all that matter to you, go off king. You don't get to set the justification for why she did it. "I'd understand if she had back pain" Suuuuure you would.

OP responded:

What part of this post said that I was only interested in her b00bs? Have an adult read the post for you.

Jarethsbuldge responded:

Nah I did. You're very clearly talking about your feelings on the matter. I don't see one ounce of concern for your wife, just....waaaah, me me me.

OP responded:

I literally spend half of the last paragraph empathizing with her point of view...real s#$t, are you f#$king dumb?

Jarethsbuldge responded:

"She brought this upon herself"

Oh yeah no, I just didn't get that was your version of empathy. You're like so super nice!!! I do think I'm f#$king dumb for engaging with you. Have fun with your divorce or whatever.

SecretLorelei wrote:

The misogyny is strong with this one.

OP responded:

She's dumb so I'm a misogynist? Lol I'd love to see your work on that one. Guy, gal, or NB if you're a dumb a*s you're a dumb a*s.

SecretLorelei responded:

You’re a misogynist because you seize any opportunity to belittle and dehumanize any woman who dares call out your bulls#$t, because to you unless women meet your definition of “beauty” they are worthless.

Your superficial judgments and disrespect of women show you do your thinking with your primitive primate brain versus a human one (assuming you have one). Your thinking can’t go beyond “oo grunt grunt me like b00bies! Grunt grunt me like a$s. You no have grunt grunt me hate you oo”. But even with a Master’s degree I’m dumb. 🙄 Yeah right.

manda14 wrote:

YTA. It’s HER body, and the fact you feel entitled to control it is very telling. Attraction often takes effort - I guarantee there are things about you she doesn’t love, it’s the full package that matters. If this is how you feel, get a divorce and let her find someone more worthy.

FlinFlanFludde wrote:

"Her flat chest makes her look like a child and the scars make me want to dry heave."

So every woman with smaller breasts looks like a child to you? I mean that's n0t the most disturbing part if this but it's still disturbing, to say the least. Trying to make sure you don't look at her or face her during s#x would make her feel like a hideous pos you're just using to get your d#$k wet. Have you at all considered this?

A week later, OP shared another update.

I (HLM30) started a deadbedroom with my (29HLF) wife. Essentially she made a unilateral decision to get a breast reduction for cosmetic reasons. I tried to get used to it but my issues are multifaceted.

1. After all the swelling went down she's left with a B cup. She's flat chested and it feels very gross to me, like I'm looking a a child. It f#$ks with me mentally as am I used to seeing large br*asts when we used to have s#x, so seeking her so flat just makes it feel inappropriate.

2. Her scars are f#$king terrible. I have a strong aversion to scarring and scars in general. Her scars have being absolutely brutal. Red and raised all the time. I even thought that she had an infection, but she tells me that her scars are red for a long time.

3. I'm simply not into flat chested women. It's just not for me.

4. I'm angry that she would make such a bold decision with basically no heads up or room for feedback.

5. With how they look between the flatness and the scarring not 0nly does it do nothing for me, but they actively turn me off when I see them.

I used to put her in positions like doggy style and reverse cowgirl where I could at least focus on other things but it's like she puts them in my face on purpose.

She even confirmed that theory when she told me that she wanted to face me while we have sleep together so she can "make sure I'm still attracted to her". And to be frank, I have lost a lot of attraction towards her. I told her the truth, I said that her chest is turning me off and that I would like to work around that for the time being until I can grow some attraction towards them, but she freaked out on me.

I suggested she wear a shirt, or if we can have her face away from me and she said that's degrading (fair). I asked if she can wear lace bras or lingerie so it's s#xy for the both of us but she says that it feels like I'm just trying to cover her up. To be fair to her, I am, but it's what I'm comfortable with.

She either balks at every suggestion or cries and tells me that it feels like I don't love her. I asked her what a good solution for this would be and her solution is that I should appreciate how she looks and just get used to it. Well I have a third option, I can just take s3x off of the table. It's been a few weeks since we last had s#x (we averaged 3-4 times a week) so obviously she has been pissed.

She asked me when I get over my "b#$ch fit", and I'll just ask her if she is willing to use any of my suggestions. She stormed away. Imagine trading your s#xn life just to get a worse pair of tits. It's a s#$t show. We'll probably get divorced. FML.

The internet did not hold back on OP one bit.

bigwhiteboardenergy wrote:

You are disgusting. For the sake of all women, please get therapy.

NumberEmpty6939 wrote:

Get divorced. She didn't include you in an extremely important and life altering decision. It was hers to make, but without consulting you, she cannot have any issues with how you receive it and see her now.

Blas_Wiggans wrote:

I can’t fathom any body modification without input from my wife.

I’m pretty sure you have your answer with what to do.

BTW your spouse seems super callous. Almost unbelievable.

Almost a week later, OP shared another update.

I want to start off by saying those of you who commented some version of "did you only marry her b00bs or her?" Go to h*ll. Actually, get a course on phonics, then go to h*ll. If that's all you got from the post then I can only hope you don't have kids to pass your low IQs down to. I have done some soul searching and have evaluated my true feelings on the matter.

After speaking with a few people that I trust and my therapist, I am realizing that my issue wasn't JUST with the reduction. Does it suck? Sure, but I'll live. I sat down with my therapist and understand that I have four main issues with her decision to get the procedure.

1. My wife allowed outside influences to affect our marriage in an irreversible way.

2. The constant pushing of my boundaries during s#x.

3. The lack of communication beforehand.

4. The lack of communication after I rejected her advances.

I gave it a week and have come to the conclusion that I can't let these feelings go. If I can't trust that she won't change her body because a creepy dude gives her a look then how am I supposed to trust her with bigger s#$t like having kids or buying a house?

I asked if she felt happier after the procedure, and she said that she doesn't. I asked if she felt like she was stared at less, she said that she feels like she gets the same amount of looks. I asked if she felt like she got her money's worth, I didn't get an answer for that one. So the whole thing has been a failure. In essence, this was a big waste of time, money, effort, and stress.

My friend put me in contact with his lawyer so done is done, I suppose. She can keep everything, I just want the cat. Finally, for those of you that told me to leave her so she can find someone who actually loves her, you got it. I'm done with her.

The internet kept the comments coming.

rosaa_lanzoni wrote:

The way you are trying to find so many reasons to divorce her to try and not sound like an AH (and failing miserably at that) is astonishing to me.

Honestly, I'm glad you're divorcing so she finds someone better, instead of a man who just goes away when his wife decided to do something better for her mental health and figure. Just wonder how you're going to live your life if you can't handle a woman doing changes to her own body.

Vegabondlibre wrote:

You're the type who'll abandon her if she got cancer or went through a C section. It might hurt her now, but the real dead weight is gonna be off her shoulders with your departure lol.

Pitiful_Row_8253 wrote:

It's probably for the best, she deserves someone who will find her attractive regardless of her b00b size, you deserve someone you find attractive.

OP responded:

If that's what you took away from the posts, then godspeed. Maybe next time, have an adult read the post to you. You seemed to have missed the point.

Pitiful_Row_8253 responded:

I seemed to have missed the point indeed, I apologize. YTA.

OP responded:

It really is baffling how you can have the takeaway that I just stopped loving her because of her b00b size. You didn't do too hot of word problems in school, huh?

GamingGeekette wrote:

I mean, you can sugarcoat your words as much as you like; there's something called reading between the lines that most people have the ability to do, which you clearly don't do well at. The way you describe treating her, the way you describe talking to her, it all says your main priority is her chest. And if that weren't the case, one has to wonder why you're so defensive and aggressive about that NOT being the case.

You've taken to insulting strangers on the internet whose opinions YOU ASKED FOR. Oh, didn't want honest opinions. You were hoping to run into an echo chamber of douchebags like yourself who would tell you your behavior towards your wife is acceptable. It isn't. Good riddance.

Perfect_Distance434 wrote:

This post makes me grateful for my B-cups. They remove the trash on their own.

OP: imagine a future date when you explain the details of your divorce. I’m sure that will go over like a proverbial fart in church.

Yikes, all around.

Sources: Reddit
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