'AITA for wanting to end a friendship because they body shamed my child?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for wanting to end a friendship because they body shamed my child?"

I'm reaching out online because I could NOT stop thinking about this and I need to know if I'm overreacting to this situation. I (27f) was at a friends house last night with a group of friends of over a decade.

I had a kid when I was on the younger side and I am a single mother so l am the only one of my friend group with a child besides my older sister (who was also there) my son (we'll call him Adam) is 7 and I'll be fully transparent he's a chubby kid.

My ethnic background results in my build being fairly tall for a woman and l've always been on the thicker side with plenty of muscle however since having a child, the pandemic, and working from home, again I'll be transparent, l've gained a little more weight than usual as well.

My son's biological father also has an ethnic background that is known for being thicker built, As a result my son has had a larger build since birth even when he was "skinnier" (I hate referencing my sons body like this) he always had thick legs, arms, and always felt heavier than he looked.

Now back to the story last night one of my closest friends out of this group sort of came out of nowhere with a comment saying:

"Walking is very important we should all get to walking more ESPECIALLY OP and Adam"

I sort of shot him a look because it felt out of nowhere. But I didn't say anything because honestly he's right walking is good for you after all. He then Continued and said,

"Okay listen l'm gonna just say it Adam is TOO BIG and you guys need to lose some weight ASAP”

This completely took me back and I said immediately "You can't just say something like that!"

He half apologized while laughing and continued to talk about how he's not in sports and that I "clearly don't motivate him to do anything" I guess because I'm also chubby? He was laughing hysterically and making fun of how my son looked and his body and it just felt so horrible. He then went on to say that HE would do better as a mentor for my son.

Trying to curve the conversation in a positive way I said "you know what, that would be helpful actually. I'm a single mom and it is difficult to always get him to sports or get out and going and I would definitely like to work out more and get into shape. Why don't we do something all together"

He then started going on about how much better he's gonna do and how Adam needs to stop being lazy and he needs "real guidance." Now, l'm not going to list excuses or deep dive into the stuff we've been through in the past few years but I will say it's been a lot.

What I will say though is this friend and l are close but l've lived in a different state for several years and he definitely doesn't know enough about our home life to have made those comments. I have played women's professional football for two years and my son was also in football, soccer, and we go on walks daily with our dog.

A recent traumatic event left me severely injured and resulted in my son being traumatized as well. He now has severe separation anxiety and we only just now worked up to me being able to leave for the store around the corner while he's with my mom, sister, nephew, and step dad.

My son also has a lot of sensory issues and a phobia of bugs. I wish I was kidding. It's gotten so bad that it's hard now to take him to outside events without complete meltdowns. And yes we have been working on it but it is difficult especially in the summer months. I have still found ways to get him into indoor sports and still get time in the sun at parks, zoos, and aquariums.

I have made my best effort as a single parent and I will admit that I have failed. There's been times that we couldn't afford the healthy option. Or times l've worked 12 hour shifts and haven't been able to cook. I will take responsibility as a parent that my child has gotten chubbier but why make fun of and comment on a child's weight?!

I would understand if he was severely overweight or obese and a doctor or family member had to step in and say something but even then I don't feel like the way it was said was kind or constructive. It kind of felt like he was waiting for an opportunity to make fun of mine and my son's weight.

And to outright say you could parent my child better is way over the line especially as a childless male. I've talked to my sister and other family members about it she was also uncomfortable with the comments. I think I'm going to talk to him because I do value our friendship but would I be overreacting if I took a step back from our friendship entirely?

Not long after making the post, OP shared an update.

First thank you to everyone who showed me support. I honestly did not think I would get this many responses but I appreciate all of the insight and kind comments.

I don’t have anything juicy to update unfortunately other than that my friend has texted me since the incident but only to invite me to a group event. I haven’t responded yet but I’m contemplating if I should talk to him there or bring it up over text/phone call. Either way I will update you all once the conversation is had.

For clarification:

My son was NOT there when the comment were made. He will sometimes accompany me to event with this friend but like I said all of this friend group is child-free so we usually are not doing child friendly activities.

When we have done child centered activities together he has never brought up anything negative to Adam and has always said kind things.

My son does regularly visit the doctor and his weight has never been brought up as an issue.

He has never been recommended any diets or weight loss by any pediatrician because HE'S SEVEN AND STILL GROWING. I did get worried because of his comments that maybe I was blind to Adam’s weight gain as his mother but family and friends I’ve asked have confirmed (without bias) that he is a perfectly healthy boy

We do eat a generally healthy diet on a day to day basis. I do impress on him the importance of diet and exercise and we have cut out fast food (save for emergencies and road trips). And he is signed up for a TON of summer camps and sports.

That’s another reason why his comments felt strange because he is aware of how much effort I am putting into making sure he is more active since the incident that threw our life out of whack.

Adam has only been out of sports for four months and hasn’t been signed up since due to us moving and his separation anxiety but he was a very active kid before everything that happened.

I cut out some dialogue for length purposes but I absolutely said more to him to shut down the conversation. I said multiple time to drop it and called him an AH by the end.

He didn’t take any of it seriously and sort of rolled his eyes at my attempts to call him out for being a jerk. I shouldn’t have just let it go but I felt like I wasn’t going to be heard one way or another (there were some drinks had by him earlier in the night)

I see a lot of comments mentioning that he might be interested in me. My friend is gay so it is strictly platonic. I don’t think he’s negging me to be with me unless he’s some sort of lgbt double agent. Again thank you all for the kind words I’ll update yall with what happens after I speak with him.

The internet had lots of thoughts about the situation.

Majleague wrote:

My friend, they didn't just body shame your child.They body shamed both of you, disrespected your parenting and implied they'd do a better job. Why would you want to stay friendly with a person like this?

Intrepid_Middle_5047 wrote:

You're better than me. Idk what I would have done exactly but I know me- it would have gotten so ugly so fast. No you're not overreacting. My reaction would have been an overreaction.

AnxiousConfection826 wrote:

"I have made my best effort as a single parent and I will admit that I have failed."

No you haven't. Everything you just wrote makes you sound like a great mom! With "friends" like this, who needs enemies? His statements were absolutely beyond the pale--especially in regards to a child?!

What a cold, heartless waste of human skin. Drop him like yesterday. And keep living your life with your little guy just as you have been.

My kids are 17 & 21. I also had my oldest at 20. No shame. Take it from a mama who's been around the block a bit longer. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes. But the fact that you care so much about all of these things is exactly how I know you're 100% not a failure. Enjoy life, say yes often and don't sweat the little stuff. You're doing AWESOME!

jyssrocks wrote:

I would be furious if someone was commenting on my child's body, especially if the child could hear. And you're in a situation where your child had a traumatic event happen and needs support and your friend is being a butt.

gimmetots123 wrote:

I would go scorched earth on that friendship. I have a “chubby” kid, and I have spent so much love and energy to make sure she loves who she is. It’s genetics. And I know people look at me and think I must be a terrible mom to be thin (genetics, I don’t try), and have a child who isn’t. The worst critics are the family members she takes after. F them all.

We can’t help the bodies we are born into, we get what we get. It’s important to keep our bodies healthy, and it’s important to realize that thin doesn’t equal healthy. My child is healthy. Eats better than I do. Her build is what it is. You’re not overreacting. You reacting like a human who is educated and cares. Good job, mama!

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Sooooo things definitely have taken a turn. Firstly thank you to everyone who gave me advice, comments, and support on my last post. All of your insight definitely helped me in my decision to not remain friends with this person however in light of recent events it seems I wouldn’t have had to anyways.

So onto the update, I mentioned in my original post that everything this friend said about my child was said in a room full of our mutual friends. Well not too long ago we all attended a gay pride event together and ended up all hanging out, I left early (mom duties) but they all continued to hang out and drink.

APPARENTLY after I left the friend who insulted my kid (Jerry) and our other mutual friend (Kyle) who owned the apartment got into an argument that grew into a physical fight. Jerry got extremely violent and ended up biting through Kyle’s finger and punching his girlfriend in the face when she tried to intervene.

He also broke over $1000 worth of things in their apartment and from what I heard the entire place was covered in blood. The next morning I get a call from Jerry and he tells me HIS version of what happened: he was dr-nk. He blacked out. He had no clue until the next morning. It wasn’t that bad.

I then spoke with Kyle and his girlfriend and got the full version of the nights events that I detailed above. They also spoke with me about how disappointing and uncomfortable his comments about my son Adam made them as they all know and love my son and know he is well taken care of. Long story short we have all decided to end our respective friendships with Jerry.

His use of manipulation, the blatant lying, and his strange and rude comments have all come to the surface and as sad as we all are to be losing a friend of over a decade this has to happen. He is obviously not happy about it and has been contacting us all frequently calling us AHs and saying we all abandoned him.

Anyway not the cheeriest of updates but thank you all again for sticking it through. I’m glad I was able to make my decision to distance without also having to lose my other friends in the group but I feel so horrible that they had to go through that.

My gripe with Jerry seems so small now compared to what happened. It seems to have really traumatized Kyle and his girlfriend. But I’m glad that we can all be done with the drama and drunken tirades as well. Thanks for reading!

The internet was invested, to say the least.

Biotoze wrote:

Biting someone’s finger off is f-ing mental. This guy needs to be arrested.

OP responded:

I will clarify it was not OFF but it was an extremely deep wound and he got a good chunk. Kyle and Jerry go even further back than any of us so I think he just didn’t want to ruin Jerry’s chance at future jobs or anything. I also think both Kyle and his girlfriend are mostly in shock and hurt and just want to move on without him in their lives.

Nisi-Marie wrote:

Regardless of the reason why anybody does anything, we are all responsible for our behavior.

Being dr-nk, being blacked out, having a hard day, whatever. At the end of the day, none of that excuses the things that we have done. PERIOD.

I have done some horrendously shitty things with all the usual “reasons.“ But my job as an adult is to take responsibility for whatever I have done, and own that to the people that I may have hurt. The reasons that I might have done something do not erase the hurt or damage I may cause. I wish more people understood that.

Thrwwy747 wrote:

"Anyway not the cheeriest of updates."

I'm very cheery about it tbh.

Jerry's outed himself as a complete unmitigated ass to the whole group. You now know it was nothing personal against your son, just him letting his meanness seep out of his pores like vodka after a heavy night out. I wouldn't be surprised if you hear more stories about his antics over the next few months. Just be glad he's not around to drag you down with him anymore.

From your first post, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job with your son. You work hard, spend time together, protect him, go at his pace, you've got heaps of fun things planned for his summer hols...don't let anyone undermine you.

prosperosniece wrote:

Getting so dr-nk you don’t remember causing bodily harm and $1000’s in damages = drinking problems. Jerry needs to work on his issues before making new friends.