'AITA for wanting to have kids and a family? My GF left after my marriage proposal.'

"AITAH for wanting to have kids and a family? GF left after marriage proposal."

I (34M) recently broke up with my (now ex) girlfriend (30sF) over having kids, and now I’m questioning if I made the right decision. We had been together for 4 years (known for 7 since university) and for the first 3 years, she always delayed serious discussions about marriage. She said she wanted to finish her PhD before making any major life decisions.

I respected that and supported her throughout, moved cities for her and tried being the best supportive provider, lover, friend and partner. Once she submitted her thesis, I felt like the time was finally right, so I lowe key proposed her with a perfect ring over dinner before Christmas (23rd Dec).

My intention was to have a beautiful Christmas and New Year celebration in advance of getting married in February. But everything took a wrong turn from there. During the conversation, I found out that she never wanted to have kids with me. She said, “It’s not the 1950s anymore,” and that no woman in her right mind would want to bring kids into this “anti-women” social environment.

Then, she casually mentioned that it when she aborted our last pregnancy, the reason was not career but that she never wanted kids. It felt like a betrayal as our communication is very raw and open and she clearly deliberately concealed this knowing how important it is for me to have a family as I had an unloving mother and no father growing up.

I had no idea she felt so strongly against having children. What really hurts is that for the past 3 years, she had been leading me to believe that having kids was a possibility, always sharing cute baby memes or making comments about how adorable babies are.

I genuinely felt like she was longing for a child. I confronted her that why would she frequently say things like, “Put a baby in me,” or, “Wouldn’t it be amazing if we had a kid?” or her constant insistence on unprotected see, she said it was just a kink for her and she can't believe I'm so close minded. What I understand from this is that she was stringing me along the whole time.

During one of our discussions, she even told me that if I truly loved her, I would accept things her way, or we should part ways. That felt like emotional manipulation, and it hit me hard. I made it clear to her that I always wanted a family, and if having children wasn’t something she wanted, then maybe we shouldn’t be together.

After several painful fights, where I desperately hoped she’d come around and want a life with me, she ultimately chose to break up. After that conversation, I asked her to move out, and she left yesterday. Now, I’m feeling utterly devastated. I’ve always imagined a future with her, including having kids, and I never thought I’d end up alone.

My friends and family have been supportive but also judgemental and im not sure I did the right thing. But I feel responsible for my own misery. I can’t help but wonder if I should’ve handled things differently or if I’ll ever find someone who shares my goals. Specially at this age, ive no hopes of now finding anyone. If you'd such personal experience and can share it, my DMs are open.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

MoonlitfairyGlow wrote:

It sounds like you’ve gone through a lot of emotional turmoil in this relationship, and making the decision to break up, especially when you had different visions for your future, was undoubtedly really hard. It’s understandable that you’re questioning whether you did the right thing, especially when there was a lot of hope and planning involved.

From what you’ve shared, it seems like you were very clear about your desire to have children, which was an essential part of your future plans.

The emotional betrayal you felt when your ex revealed her true feelings about kids, especially after seemingly leading you to believe otherwise, is completely valid. It’s also painful when someone withholds important feelings or intentions, especially when you’ve supported them and been open about your own needs.

Her behavior, especially with the mixed signals and comments that seemed to suggest she was open to kids, must have been confusing and hurtful. It’s not unreasonable to feel misled. Your decision to break up because of the irreconcilable differences about having children was based on your values and what you wanted for your life, which is totally understandable.

Having kids or not having kids is a fundamental difference, and trying to make it work with someone who ultimately doesn’t share that same goal would have likely led to more hurt and resentment in the future. It’s clear that you wanted a future with her, but it was also clear that your future goals didn’t align.

It’s normal to feel devastated after such a breakup, especially when you’ve invested years into the relationship and imagined a future together. The feelings of loneliness and questioning whether you made the right decision are also very normal, but the reality is that you needed someone who shared the same vision for your life.

Staying in the relationship for the sake of love, despite those fundamental differences, could have led to deeper unhappiness down the road. As for whether you’ll find someone who shares your goals—while it may feel daunting, especially at 34, there are people out there who share your vision of starting a family.

While it’s hard to predict exactly when or how that will happen, it’s important to remember that there are different paths and possibilities in life, and sometimes letting go of something that doesn’t work opens space for something more aligned with your needs and values.

So, while it’s natural to have doubts and wonder about the “what-ifs,” it seems like you made the right decision for yourself in the long run. Holding onto something that wasn’t aligned with your deepest desires would have ultimately hurt both of you in different ways.

Berry_Bubbaloo wrote:

How you get engaged during Christmas with a wedding already planned for February without discussing it with the future bride? I am a bit lost with that, seems like both of you made decisions without communicating the other. NTA you were not compatible.

RadiantLiaa wrote:

NTA. you are very clear from the start that you wanted to build a family with her and she keeps leading you that she also wanted it. This is such a huge dealbreaker as your life goals are not aligning. You did the right thing of sticking to what you really want, and not give up to something that you really wanted just to make someone else happy. I know this is painful but i hope you will heal from this.

rrpsm wrote:

NTA. Wanting kids is a dealbreaker for many and it’s important to be with someone who shares your vision for the future. It sounds like she wasn't honest with you, and that’s not fair. You deserve someone who genuinely shares your dreams, not someone who misleads you.