'AITA for wanting to reunite with my mother even though she's the one who had an affair?' UPDATED

Life is not black and white, most situations live in an emotional grey zone.

'AITA for wanting to reunite with my mother even though she's the one who had an affair?'

So, I (18m) was born in Port Said in Egypt when my mother was 21 and my father was 38. My father had invested into my grandfather's business and helped stop it from failing and getting married to was pretty much his "reward." It sounds icky to think about but that's how it is in places like that sometimes.

When I was ten, my mom admitted to my dad that she'd been having an affair with a guy named Sayid who was eight years younger than her and asked for a divorce. Somehow, my dad got actual proof of the divorce beyond just her words and from what I understand, infidelity can be treated as a serious crime in Egypt.

So, he got her to agree to a divorce where she gave up full rights to me in exchange for complete silence from him. Later that year, my dad and I moved to Canada and my mom and Sayid got married. My mom would write me letters for a bit and mail presents so I knew that she and Sayid got married, moved to Cairo where they both got jobs and they had a daughter.

From what I've been able to tell from the letters is that she's happy and I don't really ever remember her being that way. Eventually the letters became less frequent and now I get like three a year. I got one earlier this month where she told me how proud she was that I was going to graduate from a Canadian school and it made me cry.

After graduation in July, I'm going to Egypt with my uncle to see family in Port Said. My girlfriend is going too because her family is in some city in the Sinai. I told my uncle that I want to take some time to go and see my mother and he seemed uncomfortable with the idea because to him, the idea of the trip was to introduce me and my girlfriends' families to each other so we can get married after university.

He talked to my dad about it and my dad told me I'd be wrong to go. My dad pointed out that while he'd taken full custody and may have been wrong to do so, my mother had never done anything other than write me a letter, she'd never tried to add me on social media, she'd never come to Canada to visit, she hardly ever phoned anymore.

When I tried to argue he started talking about how if she'd wanted to be with Sayid she would have divorced the right way and what she did showed that she didn't think about me. When I told him that I still want to meet her he huffed and said he was disappointed and seemed very sad afterward. I know she really hurt him but am I the AH for wanting to see her?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

AdFew8223 wrote:

NTA. She’s your mother who took care of you for ten years. Your dad took a power move to get her to give up her parental rights. He might not like it and be sad, but you have every right to meet her.

OP responded:

Thank you.

Agoraphobe61 wrote:

NTA. Your father put her in an incredibly difficult situation that was a lose/lose in just about any way for her. It sounds like she let you go knowing you would at least have a decent upbringing rather than risk the fight. Your mom may never have pushed the relationship beyond letters as she may have feared your father could take additional contact as trying to interfere with custody.

You mention she sends letters and gifts that have tapered off, but you don’t mention if you ever responded and all contact goes through your uncle? She may have hoped you’d take the initiative to reach out directly earlier as you got older and slowly lost hope when you didn’t.

Booces wrote:

You would be NTA for willing to go meet with your mother, that’s totally in your right, but if you do, expect that the relationship with your father will be forever changed after that and not for the better

But just to ask, how was your father to you growing up?

OP responded:

He was great. He worked a lot, especially after we came to Canada, but he always makes time for me. He comes to all my games and even practices, always helps with my homework and yeah, when I do something stupid that I shouldn't, he gets mad but he's never hit me or anything and has always been fair with his punishments.

stephnet wrote:

Info: Do you know if your mother wishes to see you?

OP responded:

No, but I don't see why she would say no.

Magdovus wrote:

Your dad exploited archaic laws based on religious fundamentalism to take you away from your mum. He'd already exploited the local culture in order to forcibly marry a woman 17 years younger than him. Don't let him make you think he's morally superior to your mum.

Nearly a year later, OP shared an update.

Thankfully, I didn't make a big post so I got a few comments which were focused on being helpful. I did go with my uncle to Port Said and I did meet with my girlfriend's family and I think that I won them all over. We're not formally engaged or anything but we will be in about a year. Egypt is a lot different than I remember as a kid, people are a lot less open and more guarded.

My girlfriend's family thought that because I was from Canada, I'd be partial to the MB because apparently immigrant kids are. It was really weird. But I did go to Cairo to see my mom even though I promised my dad that I wouldn't see my mom. I know that what she did was wrong and I do resent her for doing it but I don't want to be the guy who didn't see his mom at all when he was a kid.

I mean, if I'm getting engaged next year then I won't be a kid then, I'll have to actually grow up. I don't know, it's a weird thought process but it's mine. So I convinced my uncle and we went to Cairo. He called my mom to tell her that he wanted to meet her but he didn't tell her that I was coming because he didn't want word to somehow reach back to my dad.

They don't talk so that was weird but I didn't bring it up because I was happy that he agreed. My mom works in finance for one of the biggest film studios for Cairo so she took the day off when we went but her husband was at work and her daughter was at school (she's doing some kind of summer classes or something). We went early morning so we could leave before they came back.

It's weird because my mom isn't how I remember her exactly. She has short hair now and she looks really, really young. She wasn't wearing anything traditional. And weirdest of all is how tall she is, she was almost as tall as me and was taller than my uncle. I mean obviously as a kid I thought she was tall but we all do then but she's legitimately like six foot one or something.

She let me and my uncle in when we went but she didn't recognize me at first and it was awkward so I didn't say anything but then she suddenly did and she hugged me and broke down crying and kept saying thank you to my uncle and she actually fell because it was like her legs couldn't hold her up and I had to.

My uncle excused himself and said he was going to go meet with some friends in the city and it was nice being alone and when we were, I started crying too. And I think it was because she kept calling me by all the babynames she had for me in Arabic and saying things like "my heart is back".

After we both calmed down I asked her why she stopped writing and she told me that she started hating herself for not being in my life and started believing that I hated her. That she doesn't have social media so she couldn't find me online and that email wasn't personal.

She eventually tried something drastic and her husband got her mental health help which brought her to a good place but it led to her writing a lot less. She was sad when I told her that I would be leaving when my uncle came back because we'd be going back to Canada in a few days but she said it didn't matter because I was still her heart. She promised to write more again.

She also said that she knew she couldn't come to Canada for my engagement and my marriage when it happens but pretty much begged me to livestream them all and that way my dad won't know. She barely told me anything about her because she kept making me tell her about things I've done but she did tell me about her job and all the actors that she's met.

It sucked when my uncle came back and I had to go and we cried again but I felt better about it, even though my uncle made me promise not to tell my dad. Since then, she has been writing to me a lot more and we've been emailing as well.

She actually sent me a video of her and a top actress in Egypt where she got the actress to say hi to me and my girlfriend. I don't know how many of you are going to read this giant thing that I wrote, but I am thankful for the few of you who helped me out and helped me make my mind. I guess I have felt a lot better since then because I know that my mom loves me.

The comments kept coming.

Low-Bullfrog-8429 wrote:

I'm glad you got to meet your mom, clear the air and have a moment to yourselves so you could catch up after a long time. You now know why she didn't reach out as much, and I'm also happy that she is doing well and so are you.

OP responded:

Thank you so much.

Alert-Artichoke-2743 wrote:

Your dad lied to you about a lot. Your mom gave up her rights to you so she could avoid criminal prosecution. She suffered from being away from you. Your dad made it sound like she didn't want to be in contact with you, but it sounds like she remains afraid of your dad. She didn't relocate to Canada, so if he gets angry with her it might be possible for him to make trouble for her.

She cheated on him, but the consequences she has faced go miles and miles beyond what she deserved. You may only be able to reconnect with her if and when she is out from under whatever agreement she made with your dad.

If there is a statute of limitations on his claim of adultery against her, or perhaps if she is ever able to leave the country. Your uncle did a very good thing bringing you two together.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for saying this.

TheBookofTormund wrote:

Idk how your dad justifies his behavior. She was just property to him and he honestly expected you to just not care about your mother the only time you’ve been in the same hemisphere for a decade?

Doesn’t make any sense at all.

SummerOracle wrote:

Your dad was wrong to try controlling your relationship with your mother at this point, it sounds like it was more about his ego, than your feelings or wants. It’s understandable that an affair would cause such trauma, but it also sounds like he hasn’t properly processed it to get to a healthier place.

Don’t allow your father’s sentiments towards his ex wife taint yours towards your mother. Your connection with her is completely separate from his. If you want a relationship with her, you are perfectly entitled to it.

If you feel your own hurt from her actions, separate from your father’s, those are perfectly valid and deserve exploration. You are an adult now, you alone get to choose who to have, and not have, in your life.

Fit-Suggestion2089 wrote:

Your mom cheated on your dad and is now living happily with her AP.

You betrayed your dad. Both of you are TA. Like mother like son. You both loved lying on your father.

You both are probably laughing at how dumb your dad is for not knowing how both the mother and son loves lying to the dad who raised you alone. He was lied to and cheated on by the ex wife. He was lied to by the son. What a traitor. The least you could do is to tell your dad what have done. The worst you could have done is form a relationship with AP as your stepdad and never informing your dad about this.

One thing is for sure your dad will find out. Either with different people or he accidentally read emails and that will cause more harm to your dad. You have to man up and tell him. If you love your dad you will tell him and never repeat the same mistake your mom did to your dad. Lying and betraying him.

OP responded:

I wasn't going to respond to you but then I noticed how many places you commented with this little fanfiction of yours. Good for you, white knighting for my dad, I'm sure it makes you feel really brave and strong but don't worry about him, cause unlike you, he's an actual man and not a keyboard warrior.

SpecialistBit283 wrote:

So is everyone taking up for the dad just going to ignore the fact that his dad was a predator marrying someone who seemed to have been sold to him as a reward? Why do people care that he was cheated on? He sounds like a horrible person.