'AITA for wanting my spouse to move back home with his parents for months to get it together?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting my spouse to move back home with their parents for 6-8 months to get it together?"

We’ve (35) been together for 5 years, married for 2. My spouse has a shared home with his parents (partially owns it), while we are still saving and paying rent in a 2 bedroom apartment. Our goal is to one day own a home together. For the past year he’s been unemployed and haven’t applied to any roles due being laid off, health concerns, and mental health burnout.

I’ve been pulling a lot of the financial weight, working 40-60hrs and also still cooking and cleaning. He also helps with chores and cooking. He chips in for maybe 15-20% of the total bills. I didn’t realize it but I’m starting to build up some resentment and am getting to my wits end. Our lease is up in a few months and I know the rate is going to go up.

So I think the best thing instead of my spouse having to pay both part of the monthly house fees for the home with his family and chipping in 15% of the rent here, it’d be best if I move into a one bedroom for the time being, while my spouse lives at home with his parents to save money on rent. Hoping this also creates some urgency for him to find a job quickly.

It’ll also be cheaper for me to rent a 1 bedroom as opposed to how much I’m paying for rent right now (majority of it) for a 2 bedroom. AITA for proposing my spouse move back in with his parents for a few months to create some urgency of finding a job while I can also downsize temporarily and we both save money for our future home together?

He feels like I don’t believe in him/or that this proposal is a step towards a divorce/breaking up but I don’t see it that way at all. I see it as a precautionary measure so I don’t have further resentment built up if the rent were to go up in our current 2 bedroom. If we live separately for 3-6 months we can move back in together once he find’s a job…is that a weird ask?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Winternin wrote:

Yeah, it would be completely unacceptable to me if my partner contributed to only 20% of the total expense yet is able to afford a partial home ownership while we are struggling to pay rent. That would tell me they completely got the priority backwards.

OP responded:

To be fair I offered for him to contribute less rent since I knew he was helping his parents’ monthly home payment and I was bringing in a steady paycheck while he wasn’t. He didn’t start letting me contribute more to rent until the last 4-6 months ago, up to then he was still paying half while unemployed, using his savings.

Dogsducks wrote:

His parents know that he is struggling and out of work and they are still demanding help with mortgage?

What’s their situation? Are they almost destitute? Do they have any expenses to cut down on?

OP responded:

I mistyped, the home is paid off so there’s no longer a mortgage but he supports them with monthly home fees like property taxes, HOA fees, etc. they’re both retired, and he’s a partial owner. We are Korean and there’s a lot of indebtedness that you don’t just abandon your parents when they get older.

thirdtryisthecharm wrote

Why you're proposing is a separation. As in: typically prelude to a divorce. You're not wrong in asking for that, but you should be aware of what the implications are. And your spouse's response was predictable and to be expected.

RandomReddit9791 wrote:

NTA but you're proposing a separation though. It's definitely the right thing for you since you're carrying the financial load, but I understand why your partner thinks it's a step closer to divorce.

Is it that your partner is incapable of working or just unwilling?

OP responded:

He’s capable. I think he was unwilling before, but in the past two months I have seen some progress with him working on his resume and his goal is to start applying by the end of this week. Which I hope is true.

It needs to be for the sake of our marriage because I went into this looking for an equal partner in life. A year is a long time for me to wait for him to get it together, I think the duration has led to the resentment (that it’s taking so long).

Only_Teaching4869 wrote:

NTA- very similar reasons why I’m divorcing my husband. I realized almost 5 years later that my in-laws essentially passed on the parenting baton. I have a 32 & an (almost) 4 yo son. I’m 34/F.

OP responded:

Aww I’m so sorry to hear that. Sounds like a tough realization but would’ve been worse if you stayed. Sending you love and support. You’ll be okay, friend.

SparkleLifeLola wrote:

YTA to yourself for putting up with his nonsense. He's 35 and hasn't worked or applied for a job in a year. He sits on his lazy ass while you work overtime to support him. He doesn't even do the housework, so you have to do everything. You must be crazy to put up with this. You need to kick this leech to the curb. Don't you think you deserve better?

Get yourself a one bedroom apartment and a divorce. Work on your self-esteem and stop letting men use you. A healthy relationship is a partnership, not one person slaving away while the other does nothing.

Twig-hahn wrote:

Why don't you both move in with his family? Shalom you're loved 💔

OP responded:

His parents said we are more than welcome to come home but I just feel like it’s going to be a tight squeeze, since I work from home. I love my in laws but that just feels like things might get awkward and cause unnecessary tension with them whom I currently have a great relationship with. If I’m being honest, I like being in my own space.

An hour later, OP shared a small update.

We’ve inquired and the apartment company said they’ll raise the rent 10-15%. If we downsize into a 1 bedroom and live together my fear is my resentment is further built up as I’m covering more of the costs while in a smaller/tighter space and he is still paying his parents monthly home fees.

Who knows when he’ll be able to find a job again if we’re living together? That part worries me financially. If he gets a job while I’m in my one bedroom, I would be overjoyed and he’s welcome to move back in with me. It’s almost like I’m at my wits end and trying to light a fire under his a$$ so to speak.

The comments kept coming in.

Sheera_Power wrote:

Believe me, him moving back in with his parents isn’t going to make him look for a job. What you’re doing is good to see exactly what he does. If he’s true he’ll get a job real quick so you and he can move back in together. Do not let him move out with you UNLESS he has a job. Otherwise nothing will change. NTA.

roadkill4snacks wrote:

I am surprised he isn't cooking and cleaning while you do overtime, i.e. being the house husband. Sounds like he is wallowing in self pity. Not a good sign for a partner.

Andromeda081 wrote:

If they raise the rent 15% that basically negates his 15% that he’s already struggling to pay. Imagine paying 100% now…that’s what you’ll be paying if you stay there, IF he can continue to pay his 15%. That’s a huge “if.” At any point he might not even be able to afford that.

He’s prioritizing investing in his parents’ house over your marriage. If anyone is forcing a separation, it’s him. He can live where all his money is going since he’s refusing to budge on that. I’m sorry, this really sucks ☹️