'AITA for the way I told my wife she needs to be able to communicate during a potential emergency?'
"AITA for the way I told my wife she needs to be able to communicate during a potential emergency situation?"
Original post: I (34m) am at work when I get a text that our dog is bleeding, and my wife doesn't know why. She asks me to take a look at it when I get home for lunch. Not knowing how serious it is I try to call her, 8 times, along with 2 text messages saying to "answer your phone."
After 15 minutes of trying, I leave work to head home. (Apparently this was an overreaction) She is not home when I get there. So I call her again, she finally picks up and tells me she is at the thrift store. I tell her I am at home, looking for the dog. She comes home immediately. I check the dog, and he is fine. It was just a tiny scrape she didn't see.
I ask her why she didn't answer her phone and she says it's because it was in her front hoodie pocket, and she didn't feel it go off. After a couple minutes I ask her if she has since changed the ringtone so that she will hear it in another potential emergency situation. She says no. I tell her she needs to fix that in case this happens again. This is what started the argument.
According to her I was nagging her, and talking to her like an idiot child. And that I was demanding she be on beck and call 24/7 to serve me. (I got angry at this point) I tell her she needs to be able to answer the phone when she texts me something that could be an emergency. Again she accuses me of talking to her like an idiot.
I tell her no, I'm talking to her like she's an adult who doesn't know how to communicate. And from there it turned into a shouting match. So yeah, was I TA when I told her she needs to communicate better? Was I nagging her like she thinks I was?
She says it's not about what I said, but how I said it. I don't think I was nagging her, she thinks I was. And when I tell her I wasn't nagging her she says I'm just wrong. I don't know what to do, I'm afraid she will get mad at me if I ask her a question in a tone that she doesn't like.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
hot_throwaway_2006 wrote:
NTA. She could've said "The dog is bleeding, it's very minimal and not an emergency, maybe it's a scratch but check it out at lunch if you can." Anything but "The dog is bleeding" and then radio silence. I would've flipped out too. If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, she can use her words like an adult.
That said, just from reading in between the lines of your post (so take the rest of my post with a grain of salt) there seems to be some history between the two of you that caused a communication breakdown like this so maybe both of you have some issues you need to resolve.
OP responded:
Oh yeah we have communication issues. And I am trying to work on them. But it's not always easy to remember, especially when a situation like this happens.
OfAnOldRepublic wrote:
Are y'all doing couple's therapy? If not, you should. Her behavior and reactions were a bit off center, but you could also have handled the situation better. Knowing that you have communication issues is great, and a good step towards resolution.
But it's pretty clear that you both lack the skills to resolve these issues on your own. That's not intended as an insult, just an observation. It's pretty common in our current world for folks to lack good role models for effective communication. NAH.
OP responded:
Yeah, I think we should go. We discussed that today as well.
Salty-Initiative-242 wrote:
ESH. Clearly you don't respect your wife's judgement. If she texts you that the dog is bleeding but it can wait until your lunch break, which from your wording seems like a known and expected thing, then this is not an emergency that warrants 8 calls and 2 texts. IF you trust her judgement.
On the other hand, she could and should have been more descriptive in her text about the amount of blood and the immediacy, given you more context, because she should know that the word blood can trigger a bigger reaction from one's imagination then seeing a tiny bit on a paw.
And I don't think it's fair to expect immediate responses to calls at any time, but yes, after texting a pet is injured IS a time to keep the ringer on.
OP responded:
Yeah, I mean I called her a minute after she texted, I would assume she'd still have her phone nearby. And honestly when I got home I thought she had gone to the vet, because I had no idea where she was. Thank you for your comment.
FairyCompetent wrote:
YTA. Obviously if it were serious she wouldn't have said look at it at lunch. You invented an emergency and went crazy with it. There was no need to call her eight times or leave work. There was no emergency. Calm down. Maybe talk to someone about your anxiety.
OP responded:
I appreciate the feedback, even though I don't like it. But if I wanted an echo chamber I wouldn't have asked. So thank you.
SeaThePointe74 wrote:
NTA. She can’t say that the dog is bleeding and then just ghost. I mean okay, maybe you could/should have used context clues and inferred that it wasn’t emergent since she said to look on your lunch break but if it were me and my partner sent that text and then went AWOL, I’d also panic. I’d probably skip over the “look at lunch part” because wtf?!
Plus, if I then wasn’t getting a responses, I’d assume the worst and definitely panic. So I get why you were upset. Now, since none of us were there, we don’t know what your tone was. This is something that comes up in my relationship a lot, both ways, and everyone can be guilty of saying things in a way that comes out much nastier/more annoying/more rude than intended without realizing.
So maybe the way you said it was worse than it sounded to you in the moment. You could be an AH for that so it might be worth at least owning up to that and being more mindful going forward. That said, the crux of what you were communicating to her doesn’t make you an AH.
She sent you a pretty concerning message and then became unreachable which, to me, justifies your worry and reaction and you’re in the right to ask her to be more responsive in situations like that. It’s not nagging to ask your partner to not disappear in what could be an emergency situation. So, my vote is not the a-hole.
OP responded:
Oh, I'm sure my tone wasn't nice. But I'm more worried that she didn't want to change the ringtone after it clearly didn't work. I had to tell her that in situations like this she needs to be able to hear her phone. And yes it wasn't nice (how I said it) but does that change the what I needed her to do?
rememberimapersontoo wrote:
YTA there was no emergency, she clearly communicated that by saying it could wait until lunch, you overreacted and now are also overdramatising the situation in your title.
Your need to micromanage the situation by finding out every detail instead of just waiting until lunchtime like your wife clearly communicated to you shows very little respect for her word or trust in her judgement. Then you blow up at her for not being instantly available to you…nightmare.
OP responded:
I appreciate the perspective. Thank you.
Spallanzani333 wrote:
Yeah, I'm curious why you thought it was an emergency when she asked you very specifically to look at it when you came home for lunch? To me, that's her deliberately letting you know it's not bad enough to worry. Did you panic?
OP responded:
We lost a dog 6 ish years ago because we didn't take it to the vet in time. The vet told us he would've lived if we had come in when we first noticed the issue. So yeah, maybe I'm just experiencing past trauma and projecting it to this situation.
VenusinAries666 wrote:
"When I get a text that our dog is bleeding, and my wife doesn't know why. She asks me to take a look at it when I get home for lunch."
If it was a true emergency, she wouldn't have casually texted you about it and been fine with waiting until you came home for lunch. You overreacted and made it really obvious that you didn't trust her assessment of the situation. YTA.
OP responded:
I don't really like hearing that, but thank you for the assessment. I don't want to be an AH, and I did overreact. It's just frustrating that we both have different views on how it went, and we are both convinced the others reality is wrong. I will work on myself.
After receiving feedback, OP shared a small update.
Edit: I appreciate all the feedback, even though it was very mixed. I am going to apologize to her again. And maybe link her this thread. We plan on getting some counseling, and I will work on my tone. Thank you to everyone who said I'm not TA. Thank you again to everyone who posted.