'My wife spent the night at a friend's house without telling me beforehand. AITA for being upset?'

"AITA the wife spent the night at a friend's house?"

I'll keep this pretty simple. We're both in our 40s. Together 11 years, married for 8. About 2 or 3 years ago my wife ran into her ex-boyfriend, whom she lived with previously. They chatted and caught up with her. To be clear they were part of the same friend group before dating.

They'd bump into each other about every few and they'd chit chat and catch up on things at a nearby diner.

About two week ago she hung out with him and his friends until 10pm, 5+ hours after she got off.

She knew I did not like this, I don't think I'd be in the minority in this. But she has never given me reason to doubt her and she doesn't have a deep bench of friends.

Yesterday they met up again after work. She checked in around 3 hours after they met up letting me know was was fine.

I did my own thing at home until I basically just said f#$% it and went to bed.

I received the below text message at 1245am.

"Her: Lost track of time. Gonna just go to work from here."

Look, I trust my wife, she's never before given me reason not to, and I know the realization her previous friend group has moved on has hit her hard recent.

Even given that, I feel like I'm being gaslit and at a bare minimum this is extremely disrespectful.

AITAH?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BWalker40001 wrote:

Dude, I'd confront her hard. Tell her regardless of what she admits to, you consider what she did as cheating. Then act accordingly. Your blind trust is going to bite you. She didn't just sleep on the couch.

MyDirtyAlt79 wrote:

Your wife slept(?) at her ex's. Really?

NTA clearly, but really?

Harvard_Diplomat wrote:

"Wife spent the night at a friend's house."

40s? Lost track of time? At an ex-boyfriend, whom she lived with previously? Will go to work from his house? LMAO Yea, that is a friend ..with benefits.

lonelychapo27 responded:

While I’d agree with this, OP tread cautiously. If there is a lot at stake for her and you confront her about this, she will get vindictive and you need to protect yourself and your assets if you choose divorce. make a decision by yourself, gather info, get a lawyer, work in the shadows. good luck OP.

bobp29 wrote:

NTA but your wife is most definitely cheating on you...time to lawyer up. Bro, never gave you reason to not trust her....until now....all trust should mist definitely be out the window. Sorry but your wife in her 40s spends the night at her ex bf house and thinks you're supposed to be ok with that? Oh f#%k no. I would tell her to make plans on moving in with him because she is no longer gonna have a husband.

DO NOT let her gaslight you or use the words "controlling", "insecure', or "jealous." Her s#$t would be packed when she finally decided to come home. F counseling, f#$ giving her another chance, f her period...she needs to be sent to the streets

You should texted back "Don't bother, there's nothing here for you anymore."

It amazes me how many men won't stand up for themselves and just let their wife walk all over them. Just another example of why you can't allow your partner to remain friends with exes and hang out with them AND why men & women CAN NOT have close opposite s#$ friends!

changelingcd wrote:

I'm still friends with some exes, and I can see hanging out or visiting them. But...in my experience, faithful married 40+ year-olds don't stay out all night, they hate not sleeping in their own beds, and they don't say 'F#$k it, I'll sleep at my ex-boyfriend's house instead of going home to my husband. That won't cause any problems!'

They're home by midnight with their spouse, and they would NEVER go to work the next day without access to their own clothes, makeup, shower, etc. Unless you live more than an hour's drive from this ex's home, this is all highly suspicious behaviour (and even then). She probably won't even be able to look you in the eyes when she gets home.

aggravating_tie_4014 wrote:

Umm no…NTA. There are certain boundaries you keep within a relationship out of respect for your partner. When those boundaries break down so does the trust and respect. They’re there for a reason. I would say those boundaries were getting crossed when she started spending 5+ hours with him at his house after work. Spending the night with him is a whole different ballgame.

I know her very first excuse because it’s the exact same one you see all over the infidelity boards. “He’s just a friend.” Then as a defense mechanism she’ll turn it back on you and accuse you of being controlling or something similar. Don’t fall for it.

Married women don’t have sleepover’s at their ex’s house. It’s so obvious and stupid I’m surprised you even have to say it. So the fact that it’s happening tells you that this has gone far enough she’s willing to risk her marriage for it. You don’t risk that for s’mores and pillow fights at 40.

pacodefan wrote:

Oh, it's beyond disrespectful. You should be invited if she actually is just friends, because she should care about how you feel. Why would she ever sleep over if she cared about you and/or respected your relationship.

She wasn't at some party where she was having so much fun around all her old friends and lost track of time. She claims to have lost track of time hanging out 1 on 1 with an ex-boyfriend. Give me one thing they could be doing where she could lose track of time that isn't having s#@?